Why blame the ex-husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is actually something I ask sometimes when people are complaining about their spouses on DCUM. If the only problem in the marriage is that the spouse doesn't help around the house enough, would that person rather be alone and doing everything themselves AND paying for a household by themselves AND having to date again? Because honestly, given the choice, I might take the not-as-helpful husband over all those alternatives.

I think sometimes people who have been married forget that being single in your late 30's or 40's, with kids, is not exactly like it was when you were 22 and kid-free. It's not easy or fun, and sometimes people here seem to talk about throwing away marriages for small reasons.

Except that is rarely the only problem. It's usually global. I think most of us can deal with a dirty house, or laundry on the floor. But when your partner is checked out and can't seem to show up for soccer games, P/T conferences, has no interest in socializing with you, and treats your home and family like a boarding house, well, that's when you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So answer this one.... women want a divorce because they think the husband doesn't help around the house enough and they most always want primary custody (child support) but then they are most always upset after the divorce when the ex-husband isn't living in the same house the he is doing even less. If they thought it was hard when there was a husband why are they so upset that its even harder when there is no husband?

I blame the ex husband because he doesn't even try to put our kids first. He comes first. His needs, his wants, his social life.

He was a crappy husband but that doesn't mean he has to be a crappy father. He lives nearby; he could take them to the doctor, the orthodontist, pick them up from child care once in a while... Nope. You'd think divorce would be a wake up call. That because he doesn't see his kids as often as most dads, he'd want them whenever humanly possible. Nope. Of the four nights a month he takes them, he often leaves them with a babysitter.

Sad thing is, older child has begun to see this and resent him for it. I keep my mouth shut. But she's not blind or stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it's not just about the chores, it's about the hassle of dealing with an uncooperative person, and being treated badly. My XH would always promise to do better, and never follow through. Eventually I got sick of his talk. Sick of being treated like a cleaning lady.

My XH made more messes than he ever cleaned up. Getting him out of the house was a net reduction in chores.

The highlighted portion is like a bumper sticker that perfectly describes my marriage. Well done, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So answer this one.... women want a divorce because they think the husband doesn't help around the house enough and they most always want primary custody (child support) but then they are most always upset after the divorce when the ex-husband isn't living in the same house the he is doing even less. If they thought it was hard when there was a husband why are they so upset that its even harder when there is no husband?

I blame the ex husband because he doesn't even try to put our kids first. He comes first. His needs, his wants, his social life.

He was a crappy husband but that doesn't mean he has to be a crappy father. He lives nearby; he could take them to the doctor, the orthodontist, pick them up from child care once in a while... Nope. You'd think divorce would be a wake up call. That because he doesn't see his kids as often as most dads, he'd want them whenever humanly possible. Nope. Of the four nights a month he takes them, he often leaves them with a babysitter.

Sad thing is, older child has begun to see this and resent him for it. I keep my mouth shut. But she's not blind or stupid.

I don't think you can refer to him as a "crappy father" in posts like this and not have your feelings/thoughts about him show up in day-to-day life. Your daughter probably picks up on that. Maybe he feels like you just don't want him around and that you guys essentially kicked in out. Its hard to try and force yourself into a situation when people don't want you there.

[Anonymous]

Its easier to blame than to take responsibility for your fault in the marriage (sometimes one is faultless - the other person cheated on them). People cannot separate spouse from parent as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So answer this one.... women want a divorce because they think the husband doesn't help around the house enough and they most always want primary custody (child support) but then they are most always upset after the divorce when the ex-husband isn't living in the same house the he is doing even less. If they thought it was hard when there was a husband why are they so upset that its even harder when there is no husband?

I blame the ex husband because he doesn't even try to put our kids first. He comes first. His needs, his wants, his social life.

He was a crappy husband but that doesn't mean he has to be a crappy father. He lives nearby; he could take them to the doctor, the orthodontist, pick them up from child care once in a while... Nope. You'd think divorce would be a wake up call. That because he doesn't see his kids as often as most dads, he'd want them whenever humanly possible. Nope. Of the four nights a month he takes them, he often leaves them with a babysitter.

Sad thing is, older child has begun to see this and resent him for it. I keep my mouth shut. But she's not blind or stupid.

I don't think you can refer to him as a "crappy father" in posts like this and not have your feelings/thoughts about him show up in day-to-day life. Your daughter probably picks up on that. Maybe he feels like you just don't want him around and that you guys essentially kicked in out. Its hard to try and force yourself into a situation when people don't want you there.

It really not that hard to be nice. Nice people are not on the outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So answer this one.... women want a divorce because they think the husband doesn't help around the house enough and they most always want primary custody (child support) but then they are most always upset after the divorce when the ex-husband isn't living in the same house the he is doing even less. If they thought it was hard when there was a husband why are they so upset that its even harder when there is no husband?

I blame the ex husband because he doesn't even try to put our kids first. He comes first. His needs, his wants, his social life.

He was a crappy husband but that doesn't mean he has to be a crappy father. He lives nearby; he could take them to the doctor, the orthodontist, pick them up from child care once in a while... Nope. You'd think divorce would be a wake up call. That because he doesn't see his kids as often as most dads, he'd want them whenever humanly possible. Nope. Of the four nights a month he takes them, he often leaves them with a babysitter.

Sad thing is, older child has begun to see this and resent him for it. I keep my mouth shut. But she's not blind or stupid.

I don't think you can refer to him as a "crappy father" in posts like this and not have your feelings/thoughts about him show up in day-to-day life. Your daughter probably picks up on that. Maybe he feels like you just don't want him around and that you guys essentially kicked in out. Its hard to try and force yourself into a situation when people don't want you there.
few n

"Force himself in"?? Look this is the last time I'm posting, but how do you excuse him getting a babysitter for about half of the few nights per month he actually has them?

[Anonymous]

I'm still married, but H is not a good spouse or dad. he consistently chooses his friends over them. My son is saddest about his dad and his choices , thankfully I am a great mom. My kids know this about me and will always love me. Not too sure about their feelings for H. He really is a crap ass dad.

[Anonymous]

Because with 50:50 or some version of it you get a couple of days off a week and as an bonus you get 50% of his assets. But of course. A split houses and parents are better for kids cos she is ' happy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So answer this one.... women want a divorce because they think the husband doesn't help around the house enough and they most always want primary custody (child support) but then they are most always upset after the divorce when the ex-husband isn't living in the same house the he is doing even less. If they thought it was hard when there was a husband why are they so upset that its even harder when there is no husband?

I blame the ex husband because he doesn't even try to put our kids first. He comes first. His needs, his wants, his social life.

He was a crappy husband but that doesn't mean he has to be a crappy father. He lives nearby; he could take them to the doctor, the orthodontist, pick them up from child care once in a while... Nope. You'd think divorce would be a wake up call. That because he doesn't see his kids as often as most dads, he'd want them whenever humanly possible. Nope. Of the four nights a month he takes them, he often leaves them with a babysitter.

Sad thing is, older child has begun to see this and resent him for it. I keep my mouth shut. But she's not blind or stupid.

I don't think you can refer to him as a "crappy father" in posts like this and not have your feelings/thoughts about him show up in day-to-day life. Your daughter probably picks up on that. Maybe he feels like you just don't want him around and that you guys essentially kicked in out. Its hard to try and force yourself into a situation when people don't want you there.

So when would it be okay for PP to express frustration about what she describes, which sounds frustrating? Or are you expecting her simply not to feel frustrated about it?

My DD has been in school for 3 years. During those years, there have been PT conferences 3x a year. He's been to exactly one - every other time, he says, "You go and just fill me in." (He also complains that the school doesn't "respect him as a parent"). She has had doctor's appointments at least once a year since she was born; he's been to two of those - the very first two, after she was born. He doesn't know her dentist's name - not because I've withheld that information from him but because he does not care to remember it. He's met her teacher once (before school started, at an event). He doesn't know any of her friends, or their parents. When she spends weekends at his house, from what I can tell, occasionally they go to brunch and to a playground, but mostly they seem to stay at his house, where she watches TV on a tablet and he does other things. These are choices he's making, not things that I'm foreclosing for him. I haven't seen him since a couple days after Christmas. DD hasn't seen him in 10 days and doesn't even ask about him anymore. She goes to his house for the weekend, and when I mentioned that to her, she sighed and said, "Okay. I guess we can do fun stuff on Monday then." She is 5.

Contrary to your worldview, there are actually crappy dads who were crappy husbands and divorced because of that. When we separated, my life became about 5000% easier because in addition to not having his mess to deal with, I also didn't have to deal with someone who volunteered to do things, failed to do them, and then resented me for doing them when he failed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Because with 50:50 or some version of it you get a couple of days off a week and as an bonus you get 50% of his assets. But of course. A split houses and parents are better for kids cos she is ' happy'

We get it. Women who file for divorce are selfish shrews who prioritize housecleaning and their own happiness over their children's wellbeing. Obviously they are doing it to get money and a couple "days off" per week.

You found us out! Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So answer this one.... women want a divorce because they think the husband doesn't help around the house enough and they most always want primary custody (child support) but then they are most always upset after the divorce when the ex-husband isn't living in the same house the he is doing even less. If they thought it was hard when there was a husband why are they so upset that its even harder when there is no husband?

I blame the ex husband because he doesn't even try to put our kids first. He comes first. His needs, his wants, his social life.

He was a crappy husband but that doesn't mean he has to be a crappy father. He lives nearby; he could take them to the doctor, the orthodontist, pick them up from child care once in a while... Nope. You'd think divorce would be a wake up call. That because he doesn't see his kids as often as most dads, he'd want them whenever humanly possible. Nope. Of the four nights a month he takes them, he often leaves them with a babysitter.

Sad thing is, older child has begun to see this and resent him for it. I keep my mouth shut. But she's not blind or stupid.

I don't think you can refer to him as a "crappy father" in posts like this and not have your feelings/thoughts about him show up in day-to-day life. Your daughter probably picks up on that. Maybe he feels like you just don't want him around and that you guys essentially kicked in out. Its hard to try and force yourself into a situation when people don't want you there.

So when would it be okay for PP to express frustration about what she describes, which sounds frustrating? Or are you expecting her simply not to feel frustrated about it?

My DD has been in school for 3 years. During those years, there have been PT conferences 3x a year. He's been to exactly one - every other time, he says, "You go and just fill me in." (He also complains that the school doesn't "respect him as a parent"). She has had doctor's appointments at least once a year since she was born; he's been to two of those - the very first two, after she was born. He doesn't know her dentist's name - not because I've withheld that information from him but because he does not care to remember it. He's met her teacher once (before school started, at an event). He doesn't know any of her friends, or their parents. When she spends weekends at his house, from what I can tell, occasionally they go to brunch and to a playground, but mostly they seem to stay at his house, where she watches TV on a tablet and he does other things. These are choices he's making, not things that I'm foreclosing for him. I haven't seen him since a couple days after Christmas. DD hasn't seen him in 10 days and doesn't even ask about him anymore. She goes to his house for the weekend, and when I mentioned that to her, she sighed and said, "Okay. I guess we can do fun stuff on Monday then." She is 5.

Contrary to your worldview, there are actually crappy dads who were crappy husbands and divorced because of that. When we separated, my life became about 5000% easier because in addition to not having his mess to deal with, I also didn't have to deal with someone who volunteered to do things, failed to do them, and then resented me for doing them when he failed to.

Yes. This person sums it up well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anybody that thinks it is "harder" with the husband gone. They have less money to do fun stuff, but generally the house runs much better. The yard is usually a mess, otherwise it is fine.

This.

And I paid some very nice high school boys to handle the yard. They did a better job than my former husband ever did.

Complications in how my household runs today, post-divorce, are 99% attributable to continuing interference from my ex-husband and his string of girlfriends/fiancees/whatever. This can range from returning DC too late from visitation to finish the HW that should have been done during his parenting time to clothing items being left at the home of various girlfriends and thus, not retrievable when needed. My favorite incident was the second fiancee (there have been 4) who refused to return a size YS all girls' school crest monogrammed hoodie because she said she was sure it belonged to her teenage son. Admittedly, my ex-husband did break up with her after that, but we never got the hoodie back and he didn't replace it so I had to pay for a new one because it's required for winter PE and all field trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the same as how men simply cannot leave the office before seven, can never take PTO to cover a school closure or sick day, have to work on vacations and weekends, and have "mandatory happy hours" when they are married, and then demand 50 percent physical custody in the divorce.

News flash: This says more about YOU than it does your husband or ex husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the same as how men simply cannot leave the office before seven, can never take PTO to cover a school closure or sick day, have to work on vacations and weekends, and have "mandatory happy hours" when they are married, and then demand 50 percent physical custody in the divorce.

News flash: This says more about YOU than it does your husband or ex husband.

Howso?