MIL as DH's confidante - how would you feel about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks - OP here. I don't have any real indicator that he's talked to her about anything recently. It came up a really long time ago about something pretty major. In the context of some troubles we were having, he told her I was pregnant even though we'd agreed not to tell anyone (I may have even posted about this here, I can't remember). About 1.5 years later he told me that, which is when I found out that he talks to her about marital stuff. I overreacted, and basically forbade him to do it going forward. That was all a year ago. We did have at least one conversation since where I softened my position on him talking to her... I think similar to what PP suggested, we agreed in principle that he wouldn't talk to her about something without telling me either before or shortly after. But really we haven't talked about this

Something happened this morning that I would really not want him sharing with her, so it just occurred to me to post, to see how reasonable that feeling was. I don't think I'm going to specifically bring it up with him, I don't have any real reason to think he's doing it.

I remember your post! I think when you finally did a pregnancy announcement to the family, she pretended to be surprised or something, and you found out that she already knew after the fact?

If you're the same person, your husband is completely out of line.

Ha, yes, that was me. A lot of people flamed me on that thread though, if I'm remembering correctly! But after that ridiculous performance on MIL's part, our relationship really was damaged. She basically betrayed my trust before she had a chance for us to establish any kind of trust.

I don't think confiding about marital issues is per se bad ... but I do think it's pretty fraught when you do so to family members, and even more so when the relationship between the spouse and the family member is already strained. I wanted a reality check to see how normal my feelings of discomfort are - like, is it just the nature of the relationship that makes me uncomfortable? Or is it MIL specifically?

In my case I think it's a bit of both. As DH's mother, she inherently has investment in the situation and her judgment is clouded by that as any mother's would be. But in her specific case, MIL means well, but I do not consider her a relationship role model and I think any advice she gives is likely to be subpar. Going back to the pregnancy thing, telling your son to contrive a performance to cover up my knowledge of the pregnancy is just plain bad advice. I would really like to believe that as a mother, I would never condone my son doing that - I would say, ok, you need to tell her that I know. And if he were afraid to do that, I would say, if you want to stay with this woman you need to be able to be honest even if it's going to make her mad.

Part of me wonders if on some level, she wants DH to end up single like her. Is my assessment of her fair? Probably not completely, but it's how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what is an acceptable conversation topic to discuss with parents? The weather, what you ate that day, ...? I generally agree that you should address your problems with the person with whom you have an issue, but sometimes you might need to test out how you address said issue with someone else first.

There is plenty to talk to my parents about other than marital problems. I talk to my mom a LOT about kids' developmental milestones, for example. "Mom, is X kid behavior normal?" Plus, just what's going on with work, with DH's work, with their lives, with their stupid smelly old dog, etc.

In terms of talking to others about marital issues, I totally agree - and have encouraged DH to talk to his friends who have good marriages - I just think it's problematic for MIL to know certain things about me and us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better to tell him not to share, OP. It helps set the guidelines.

Better work on creating an environment where DH trusts OP enough to discuss their problems with her instead of somebody else.

OP here - I do think I probably need to revisit the topic of not sharing dirty laundry with MIL at some point, but I'm not sure I want or need to do it now.

I also think there is value on having sounding boards outside any relationship... and I think in general we do have a relationship where we discuss our problems with each other. He knows I often bounce certain things off friends but I tell him that I did that right afterwards, usually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is an acceptable conversation topic to discuss with parents? The weather, what you ate that day, ...? I generally agree that you should address your problems with the person with whom you have an issue, but sometimes you might need to test out how you address said issue with someone else first.

There is plenty to talk to my parents about other than marital problems. I talk to my mom a LOT about kids' developmental milestones, for example. "Mom, is X kid behavior normal?" Plus, just what's going on with work, with DH's work, with their lives, with their stupid smelly old dog, etc.

In terms of talking to others about marital issues, I totally agree - and have encouraged DH to talk to his friends who have good marriages - I just think it's problematic for MIL to know certain things about me and us.

It is really not your business who you spouse is comfortable talking with. I am sorry that you are uncomfortable with this, but it's not your decision. People need to talk to someone. They get to decide who their confidants are. It's not your decision. Trying to make it your decision is incredibly controlling.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with your partner's choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is an acceptable conversation topic to discuss with parents? The weather, what you ate that day, ...? I generally agree that you should address your problems with the person with whom you have an issue, but sometimes you might need to test out how you address said issue with someone else first.

There is plenty to talk to my parents about other than marital problems. I talk to my mom a LOT about kids' developmental milestones, for example. "Mom, is X kid behavior normal?" Plus, just what's going on with work, with DH's work, with their lives, with their stupid smelly old dog, etc.

In terms of talking to others about marital issues, I totally agree - and have encouraged DH to talk to his friends who have good marriages - I just think it's problematic for MIL to know certain things about me and us.

It is really not your business who you spouse is comfortable talking with. I am sorry that you are uncomfortable with this, but it's not your decision. People need to talk to someone. They get to decide who their confidants are. It's not your decision. Trying to make it your decision is incredibly controlling.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with your partner's choices.

Eh, seems like the vote is quite split on that in this thread! I am not trying to control it btw, I am trying to see how rational my feelings are about it. I do come down on the side of, the topic of confiding in people should be discussed among spouses, however. And from the responses here, I'm pretty confident in that view

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what is an acceptable conversation topic to discuss with parents? The weather, what you ate that day, ...? I generally agree that you should address your problems with the person with whom you have an issue, but sometimes you might need to test out how you address said issue with someone else first.

Talk about the kids, your job, anything other than problems between you and your spouse. If you start telling your parents and family a bunch of bad stuff about your spouse it's obviously going to color how they feel about that person. My brother once told the family that his wife did something we really didn't agree with. Because of that my mother can't stand her and neither can my sister. I have moved on but they haven't and still treat her very awkwardly and find any excuse to bash her, although my mother wasn't very fond of her from the get go. It would have been best if my brother had kept that information to himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Part of me wonders if on some level, she wants DH to end up single like her. Is my assessment of her fair? Probably not completely, but it's how I feel.

NP here. This is exactly my issue with my MIL, and I actually know it to be true. When he was divorced from his first wife, they talked on the phone literally every night. Sometimes for an hour, he says. (He basically would just listen to her talk while he did housework and ironing and such.) When we started dating, she actually said to me, "So YOU'RE the reason I don't have a best friend anymore!"

Her daughter, my MIL, is in a miserable marriage and my MIL openly roots for it to fail. She loves "having her daughter to herself" when she visits. She loves the fact that they don't sleep in the same room anymore so my MIL can "sleep over".

She has NO other friends and basically her whole life is whatever scraps of attention her kids will give her. The fact that DH is busy and happy with me is an affront to my MIL. So I see any confiding in her as essentially a betrayal of our marriage because I know that she would love for him to be single again. She is not rooting for us or acting in our best interest in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should not confide marital business to his mother especially if it's anything negative. I am guilty of this as well and had to learn to stop. It does affect the in law relationship. I made this mistake in my marriage and it caused my mom not to look at my husband in the best light at times. Marriage business should be kept within the marriage. Any good marriage book or counselor will say the same thing.

I agree. It's easier for a wife or husband to forgive and forget than for an IL to do so. They have long memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like MIL is the only one DH ever confides in about his problems. How would you feel about this, particularly when it's about me? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I will ever have any kind of warm relationship with MIL because of it.

Some day would you like your son to have that sort of relationship with you?

No, I would not! I want my children to eventually be mature adults. I would tell him or my daughter to go home to his/her spouse and work it out or seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL put an end to my son calling me 3 years ago. She thinks she whipped him good but what she doesn't know is he calls me from his work. I think he's afraid of her because she's jealous of everyone and she threatens to leave when she doesn't get her way and pitches a fit.

I recently told him he shouldn't call me anymore. His mother wife would be angry.

I feel sorry for him but he chose the witch so now he has to do as she says.

It sounds like you raised a man-child who married a woman exactly like his mother.

[Anonymous]

I think it is none of your business who your husband confides in, unless that person doesn't keep the information to themselves. It is a total double standard. Women confide everything to their mothers, but god forbid if a man wants to be close to his mother. OP I hope you have only son's and their wives treat you similarly. How insecure are people that they worry about stuff like this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is none of your business who your husband confides in, unless that person doesn't keep the information to themselves. It is a total double standard. Women confide everything to their mothers, but god forbid if a man wants to be close to his mother. OP I hope you have only son's and their wives treat you similarly. How insecure are people that they worry about stuff like this??

How am I treating her? Seriously, how? By having feelings?

I will direct my son not to confide in me about his wife without talking to her about it because I WANT his wife to have a good relationship with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is an acceptable conversation topic to discuss with parents? The weather, what you ate that day, ...? I generally agree that you should address your problems with the person with whom you have an issue, but sometimes you might need to test out how you address said issue with someone else first.

There is plenty to talk to my parents about other than marital problems. I talk to my mom a LOT about kids' developmental milestones, for example. "Mom, is X kid behavior normal?" Plus, just what's going on with work, with DH's work, with their lives, with their stupid smelly old dog, etc.

In terms of talking to others about marital issues, I totally agree - and have encouraged DH to talk to his friends who have good marriages - I just think it's problematic for MIL to know certain things about me and us.

It is really not your business who you spouse is comfortable talking with. I am sorry that you are uncomfortable with this, but it's not your decision. People need to talk to someone. They get to decide who their confidants are. It's not your decision. Trying to make it your decision is incredibly controlling.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with your partner's choices.

Eh, seems like the vote is quite split on that in this thread! I am not trying to control it btw, I am trying to see how rational my feelings are about it. I do come down on the side of, the topic of confiding in people should be discussed among spouses, however. And from the responses here, I'm pretty confident in that view

DCUM is full of overly controlling wives. Welcome to the club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to complain about my in laws to my parents and learned very quickly that this was a mistake. It's hard when your relationship has to change but getting married means you have to keep better boundaries, it's for the best for everyone. If you need to confide about your marriage, a therapist is actually the best person to talk to. Even talking to a close friend (which helpful) can sometimes become problematic.

NP, and I agree. I basically don't talk about my marriage with my family or friends. That's because in our day-to-day lives, we all have to interact with everyone, and it gets uncomfortable. The one exception is the close friend who I almost always see alone (good friend from college who has known me longer than DH, and who works near me and has lunch with me once a week).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like MIL is the only one DH ever confides in about his problems. How would you feel about this, particularly when it's about me? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I will ever have any kind of warm relationship with MIL because of it.

Yup. My MIL wasn't very nice to me the first 15 years of our marriage. If my husband had started confiding in her, I would have divorced him.