MIL as DH's confidante - how would you feel about this?

[Anonymous]

It seems like MIL is the only one DH ever confides in about his problems. How would you feel about this, particularly when it's about me? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I will ever have any kind of warm relationship with MIL because of it.

[Anonymous]

Why are his problems so big he needs to confide in someone?

[Anonymous]

I think this is a double standard. Tons of women count their mothers as confidants and I'm sure there is a lot of discussion regarding unhappy marriages.

[Anonymous]

How do you know it's about you? Who would you prefer he talk to about you?

I talk to my sister about my DH and vice versa. She's able to keep it very separate from her relationship with him and I'm able to do the same. (Also, it's minor issues, nothing major.) But I will say that we don't advertise this to the DHs. They are private conversations between the two of us.

I think it's reasonable your DH should have someone in his life that he can talk to and it's nice it's his mom. Unless you're noticing his mother treating you differently, I don't really see what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are his problems so big he needs to confide in someone?

Doesn't everyone need someone to talk to?

I honestly think talking about even minor issues can be good. But I just wish it wasn't mil.

[Anonymous]

I once read a really good guideline about whether a person had inappropriate boundaries outside of a marriage - whether it be a friend, a coworker, or an inlaw:

If someone outside your marriage knows more about the state of your marriage than you or your partner do, then you are breaking your vows of loyalty to your partner.

So, if your MIL knows more about how your husband feels about you than you do, then this is a huge boundary violation. I would never, never be okay with my DH having a stronger bond with his mother than with me, especially if he's bonding with her about concerns about me. It's a setup for a ruined marriage.

What does your DH say about this? Does he not see it as unhealthy?

[Anonymous]

He should not confide marital business to his mother especially if it's anything negative. I am guilty of this as well and had to learn to stop. It does affect the in law relationship. I made this mistake in my marriage and it caused my mom not to look at my husband in the best light at times. Marriage business should be kept within the marriage. Any good marriage book or counselor will say the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a double standard. Tons of women count their mothers as confidants and I'm sure there is a lot of discussion regarding unhappy marriages.

I don't disagree, just wondering how people felt. If it doesn't bother others that may help me get perspective.

I might mind less if I liked MIL more so wondering how people would feel when they like their MILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like MIL is the only one DH ever confides in about his problems. How would you feel about this, particularly when it's about me? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I will ever have any kind of warm relationship with MIL because of it.

Some day would you like your son to have that sort of relationship with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like MIL is the only one DH ever confides in about his problems. How would you feel about this, particularly when it's about me? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I will ever have any kind of warm relationship with MIL because of it.

Some day would you like your son to have that sort of relationship with you?

I'm not OP but no I would not want my son telling me his marriage business unless it was a life or death situation. All marriages have problems eventually. There's no need to bring a third party into your marriage unless you want problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like MIL is the only one DH ever confides in about his problems. How would you feel about this, particularly when it's about me? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I will ever have any kind of warm relationship with MIL because of it.

Some day would you like your son to have that sort of relationship with you?

I'm not OP but no I would not want my son telling me his marriage business unless it was a life or death situation. All marriages have problems eventually. There's no need to bring a third party into your marriage unless you want problems.

This. I want my child to know I'll always be there for her but hope she finds a partner who becomes her closest relationship.

[Anonymous]

I used to complain about my in laws to my parents and learned very quickly that this was a mistake. It's hard when your relationship has to change but getting married means you have to keep better boundaries, it's for the best for everyone. If you need to confide about your marriage, a therapist is actually the best person to talk to. Even talking to a close friend (which helpful) can sometimes become problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like MIL is the only one DH ever confides in about his problems. How would you feel about this, particularly when it's about me? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I will ever have any kind of warm relationship with MIL because of it.

Some day would you like your son to have that sort of relationship with you?

I'm not OP but no I would not want my son telling me his marriage business unless it was a life or death situation. All marriages have problems eventually. There's no need to bring a third party into your marriage unless you want problems.

I would want my son to find someone he can confide in and trust the marital problems will be worked through and resolved. Apparently, OP is not that kind of person. She should do some introspection rather than engage in yet another pointless MIL bashing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like MIL is the only one DH ever confides in about his problems. How would you feel about this, particularly when it's about me? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I will ever have any kind of warm relationship with MIL because of it.

Some day would you like your son to have that sort of relationship with you?

I'm not OP but no I would not want my son telling me his marriage business unless it was a life or death situation. All marriages have problems eventually. There's no need to bring a third party into your marriage unless you want problems.

I would want my son to find someone he can confide in and trust the marital problems will be worked through and resolved. Apparently, OP is not that kind of person. She should do some introspection rather than engage in yet another pointless MIL bashing.

The f? How is this mil bashing? In any way?

[Anonymous]

I would not feel good about that at all. I don't think anything good can come from either sets of parents getting involved in our marital decisions. On my parents' side, they wouldn't meddle but they'd likely view DH differently and I think it's my responsibility not to tarnish his image in their view. (I'm talking about having a healthy, normal marriage here - I'd have different advice if we were talking about abuse, infidelity, financial ruin, etc) I also want our families to be friends of the marriage and the family we've created together. I think it's asking too much of family to play that role + the one of confidante for one of the spouses. It's rare for people to be able to maintain such separate compartments in their mind when it's so personal.