Doing for your kids vs. Kids doing for themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14-year old gets her own breakfast and makes her own lunch for school. She can and often does her own laundry. She will sometimes make her own meals on the weekends like scrambled eggs and will spontaneously make things for siblings or parents, but she doesn't prepare dinner for the family on a regular basis or anything like that.

My 10-year old does much less. I make her lunches (she fills her water bottle with ice and water) and do her laundry. She will make hot chocolate for herself (in the microwave) and used the toaster oven to make some things, and will heat up soup on the stove. That's about it. She has a friend her age who does extensive baking, so I'm sure my daughter is capable, but hasn't done it on her own yet, although she has helped me.

I guess I feel like it's not only about getting kids to participate. To me it just doesn't make sense for a child to make his/her own breakfast. It just seems inefficient. If he/she is going to make breakfast, he/she can make it for everyone! For now, I make everyone's breakfast because I know what we have, and we live on a budget and I don't want to waste food. I also make lunches and dinners. I do plan to have the kids start making dinners, but they will make it for everyone, and will tell me in advance what they want to make so I can include it in the weekly shopping.

That said, I do feel that I need to get them helping more around the house. I just need to figure out which chores are best to offload. I happen to like doing laundry and vacuuming, so I think I'll try to delegate table-setting, washing dishes, dusting, and sweeping under the table. And some cooking, as mentioned above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom cooked my breakfast, made my lunch for school, and did my laundry until I went off to college. It was nice. I have two older elementary-aged boys, and I expect that I will be doing the same for them through high school. Part of the reason for this is that I don't want them to have cereal and milk for breakfast and a PB&J for lunch every day. If I make breakfast/lunch for them, then I get to develop their palette a little more!

I "make breakfast" every day for my kids but it usually is cereal and milk. Occasionally, scrambled eggs or bagels LOL.

[Anonymous]

My mom did everything for me and so now I'm super lazy. I let my kids do almost anything they can themselves (even if it's far from perfect). Maybe lazy will skip a generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom cooked my breakfast, made my lunch for school, and did my laundry until I went off to college. It was nice. I have two older elementary-aged boys, and I expect that I will be doing the same for them through high school. Part of the reason for this is that I don't want them to have cereal and milk for breakfast and a PB&J for lunch every day. If I make breakfast/lunch for them, then I get to develop their palette a little more!

I had the same experience and I agree. I had no problem figuring out how to do laundry and make simple foods for myself when I got to college, and I figure my kids can figure it out then, too.

Pretty much my thoughts too. They have a lifetime ahead of them to do their own laundry.

I've got a 14 year old and a 8 year old. I tend to call my 14 year old my personal assistant, because she is always running around the house getting things for me, she is also taller than me so handy to get things off high shelves. She does her room, I go through and make sure no food is in there, we discuss organization and I offer to help when needed (always turned down, always desperately needed). I do the laundry, all the food prep, we have a cleaning lady that comes once a week, so there isn't a lot of other cleaning that has to happen besides vacuuming and I do that as well, occasionally I will ask the 14 year old to do it if I'm otherwise occupied. 8 year old takes her own laundry down and sorts with assistance from big sister. They do the dishes after dinner. I make lunches for school but seriously that isn't a big deal and I like to include a variety and they're running around getting ready for school.

I do not touch the 14 year old's homework. I ask how things are going, does she need anything, and ask about dates for big projects. 8 year old is pretty self directed, but I help her when needed.Sometimes it is hard to parent with such a large age gap, because I have to remember the ages and maturity levels (both ways). Don't want to infantalize the older, but don't want the younger to feel like she has more to do than she can handle right now.

Typing this up though, I'm wondering, what is it that DH does? Maybe I need to teach him some household responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Here's another skill some people might not think to check their child on: how to plunge a toilet. I was pretty spoiled as a child but was aghast when I got to college and a housemate fouled up the toilet and came and asked me for help because she didn't know what to do (she also didn't know how to use a mop). What had she been doing at home as a 16 or 17-year-old, just calling her parents into the bathroom to deal with it? I figured it out on my own around age 13 out of sheer embarrassment, it blew my mind that she apparently didn't care.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of an almost adult, my biggest mistake was doing too much. My reasoning was that i could do it easier, faster, better...and I wanted to make my daughter happy and avoid all of the nagging that chores seemed to require. Really, it was laziness on my part - just didn't want to take the time to teach her and get her to do even the most basic of chores.

Now here we are - an almost adult - and she does nothing around the house. No responsibility. No sense of wanting to help. I have to ask her repeatedly to get her to do anything. She's too old for punishment. Taking aware her privileges results in huge fights. I feel really sorry for her future roommates.

Wish I could do it all over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom did everything for me and so now I'm super lazy. I let my kids do almost anything they can themselves (even if it's far from perfect). Maybe lazy will skip a generation.

Same here! In hindsight, I wish we had done more chores because I have to seriously motivate myself. Jealous of my friends who love to clean.

[Anonymous]

It all comes down to the carpool lane. When parents in the walk to school zones are driving their kids to school because it is a "freezing" 45 degrees out, then pulling up, getting out of their seat, opening up the back doors, zippering up coats, helping them put their backpack on - all in the F'ing carpool lane.

Annoys the living shit out of me. How can an elementary school kid not know how to open a car door, close it, put on their coat and backpack and walk to the F'ing door themselves. They can, you just are hindering their ability - and the F'ing carpool lane.

Whew - that felt good

[Anonymous]

I have three kids and have always done lots of things for them. That's how I was raised, and that's the kind of parent I enjoy being. Now that my oldest is in college, he's doing all of that for himself, even when he's home on break - and he never needed me to tell him to. He just does. When he goes to work, he makes his own breakfast, makes his lunch, etc. However, if I'm making food for the younger kids anyhow, I'm happy to do it for him too. For me, it's just part of being a mom, no biggie. Now that he's in college, he does all his own laundry, even when he comes home for breaks. I never had to start making him do these things at a certain age in order for him to learn how or teach him some kind of lesson. I just showed him how a few times and that was that.

My kids all have responsibilities around the house, such as taking out the trash, emptying and reloading the dishwasher, cleaning their rooms, setting the table, etc. But generally meals and laundry are done by me and I'm just fine with that.

Having my oldest home from college and seeing how independent he is makes me realize how fast their childhood goes and soon my other kids will be out on their own as well. I'm enjoying this time while it lasts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. I will sometimes make the kids breakfast even though, at 12, 15 and 16, they are more than capable of doing it themselves. I generally do their laundry. I make the 16 year olds lunch every school day... I'm up anyway and she's rushing around to get ready. She knows how to do it, obviously. The other two are homeschooled so no lunches to pack. But sometimes they clean bathrooms, throw in a load of towels, wash dishes, make lunch for everyone, etc. I will also ask them to make me a cup of tea, go grab me something out of another room, and so on. As long as they know how to do things, I not opposed to doing things for them. It's just part of being a family, imo.

So in addition to knowing how to make breakfast, would it be beneficial for her to also learn how to manage her time so she can get everything done? Not a criticism, just a thought.

What is the benefit to the family of doing laundry for them?

Again just curious how other folks do things. I do a lot of the family laundry. For no good and defensible reason at all. I simply have not helped them adopt habits to do that. As another poster pointed out, if they do only their own laundry, then the loads are small and inefficient. But sometimes I will ask either of them to throw an entire load of combined laundry in, and they cheerfully do. (I am not particular about laundry!)

Throwing the laundry in is the easy part. I tend to do that myself.

But we've taught our kids to do the rest:

- empty their hampers into the two bins in the laundry room (one for lights and one for darks) so everything is sorted and ready to dump into the washer once we have enough for a full load;

- check the dryer for clean laundry, pull it out and then sort it into four different baskets -- one basket for each of us in the house;

- take their basket of clean clothes to their room and put their own clothes away.

This helps so much in our house. No more asking/bugging me or DH about where their X pants are or whether Y shirt is clean. If they want to know, they can look in their hamper, the bins in the laundry room or the dryer.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious. Many parents are saying here that they don't have their kids do chores (or only do a few) because they don't have enough time. Why aren't you teaching your kids time management along with being a part pf the household? The time issues will continue into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I have one 13 yo. She is pretty independent. She can her own simple meals and does so on the weekend. During the week, I prepare all the meals. I know what food we have because I do the meal plan and the grocery shopping. I have stopped keeping tons of extra food in the house and reduced our food budget so I prefer to do the meal preparation during the week. She and my husband do all the table clearing and dishes.

She sorts her own laundry and brings it down for washing. I wash, dry, and fold. She and my husband put all the laundry away. If she forgets something like lunch or an assignment, she is out of luck. I don't bring stuff to her at school. She rarely forgets stuff.

She is great about managing her clothing and stuff she needs for school. If she has outgrown something or it isn't working for her anymore she tells me so we can look at the item together and decide if we are going to give it away, sell it, donate it, or toss it. And she knows I can't support last minute requests for supplies. So she is good about telling me she needs poster board or new pens or index cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14-year old gets her own breakfast and makes her own lunch for school. She can and often does her own laundry. She will sometimes make her own meals on the weekends like scrambled eggs and will spontaneously make things for siblings or parents, but she doesn't prepare dinner for the family on a regular basis or anything like that.

My 10-year old does much less. I make her lunches (she fills her water bottle with ice and water) and do her laundry. She will make hot chocolate for herself (in the microwave) and used the toaster oven to make some things, and will heat up soup on the stove. That's about it. She has a friend her age who does extensive baking, so I'm sure my daughter is capable, but hasn't done it on her own yet, although she has helped me.

I guess I feel like it's not only about getting kids to participate. To me it just doesn't make sense for a child to make his/her own breakfast. It just seems inefficient. If he/she is going to make breakfast, he/she can make it for everyone! For now, I make everyone's breakfast because I know what we have, and we live on a budget and I don't want to waste food. I also make lunches and dinners. I do plan to have the kids start making dinners, but they will make it for everyone, and will tell me in advance what they want to make so I can include it in the weekly shopping.

That said, I do feel that I need to get them helping more around the house. I just need to figure out which chores are best to offload. I happen to like doing laundry and vacuuming, so I think I'll try to delegate table-setting, washing dishes, dusting, and sweeping under the table. And some cooking, as mentioned above.

I agree with you on cooking yourself. Growing up, my mom would cook most things herself, but would tell me how to do things as she did them. Or have me help in simple ways, like getting her an ingredient from the fridge, measuring something into a cup, turning on the stove, etc., so I had a minor role in the project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. Many parents are saying here that they don't have their kids do chores (or only do a few) because they don't have enough time. Why aren't you teaching your kids time management along with being a part pf the household? The time issues will continue into adulthood.

I'm 16:05. It's about picking battles. 10yo DS has ADHD and does work on time management both in school and at home - during the week, the focus is scholastic. I'd score him a 2/10 on general executive function, not for lack of trying. So much effort goes into organisational coaching, actually completing homework and attending required after school activities, that he is wiped out. OTOH, DH & I are both retired & have plenty of time for basic chores during the day - it just seems unreasonably mean to hold off on doing chores so that DS can squeeze them in after a full day of school, sports & homework.

During the week, the only chores DS gets are clearing the table, getting his laundry to the appropriate bins & prepping his school bag for the next day. On weekends, he helps (sometimes) with groceries, cooking & taking out trash; and I give him a voice in meal planning for the upcoming week.

We'll rethink things as DS gets older (and hopefully, more organized)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. Many parents are saying here that they don't have their kids do chores (or only do a few) because they don't have enough time. Why aren't you teaching your kids time management along with being a part pf the household? The time issues will continue into adulthood.

I'm 16:05. It's about picking battles. 10yo DS has ADHD and does work on time management both in school and at home - during the week, the focus is scholastic. I'd score him a 2/10 on general executive function, not for lack of trying. So much effort goes into organisational coaching, actually completing homework and attending required after school activities, that he is wiped out. OTOH, DH & I are both retired & have plenty of time for basic chores during the day - it just seems unreasonably mean to hold off on doing chores so that DS can squeeze them in after a full day of school, sports & homework.

During the week, the only chores DS gets are clearing the table, getting his laundry to the appropriate bins & prepping his school bag for the next day. On weekends, he helps (sometimes) with groceries, cooking & taking out trash; and I give him a voice in meal planning for the upcoming week.

We'll rethink things as DS gets older (and hopefully, more organized)!

00.44. Good luck with executive function! It's hard enough with a teen who doesn't have concentration issues, but with a child who has ADD or ADHD, it's so much harder.