Doing for your kids vs. Kids doing for themselves

[Anonymous]

We see this sort of side topic come up on other threads. I was curious about other people's thinking on this. A few caveats.

This is not intended to be a judgement on what other people choose. I would hope that people can discuss what they choose and why, expected results when the choice was made, and if possible actual results from experience of exercising that choice. It is assumed that, of course, all parents are making the best choices for their family from their knowledge, beliefs and experience. That is to say, I hope that differing opinions are not assumed to be judgements and that those difference can be shared without judgement.

The question comes up about the balance between doing FOR your kids (laundry, fetching their forgotten lunch to their school, making their lunches...) and requiring/expecting your kids to do for themselves. Obviously this is going to depend on age. Which way do you tend and why?

[Anonymous]

I am early in this game, older dd is only 5. But I have this constant disagreement with dh on this. I've always wondered how I developed a preternatural confidence, given that it seemed my parents didn't really parent me all that much (they had a brood of younger kids to deal with). Lo and behold I can already see how letting my 5 year old have responsibility and take care of some of her own needs is boosting her confidence. One of the biggest things I see is the thrill she gets from me trusting her with, say, knives.

[Anonymous]

I doubt you're going to get too many people admitting they coddle their kids excessively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt you're going to get too many people admitting they coddle their kids excessively.

I am the pp and my dh would absolutely admit he doesn't think kids should do such things on their own. He says people who don't helicopter are bad parents. Lucky for my kids I'm the main caregiver.

[Anonymous]

It depends. I will sometimes make the kids breakfast even though, at 12, 15 and 16, they are more than capable of doing it themselves. I generally do their laundry. I make the 16 year olds lunch every school day... I'm up anyway and she's rushing around to get ready. She knows how to do it, obviously. The other two are homeschooled so no lunches to pack. But sometimes they clean bathrooms, throw in a load of towels, wash dishes, make lunch for everyone, etc. I will also ask them to make me a cup of tea, go grab me something out of another room, and so on. As long as they know how to do things, I not opposed to doing things for them. It's just part of being a family, imo.

[Anonymous]

My girl is almost 13 and in seventh grade. I tend to encourage and enable her to do for herself, but do for her when she's overwhelmed (whether in her head or not). She is capable of cleaning her room. But sometimes, I sit on her bed and re-organize her dresser drawers while she organizes everything else and we chat. I can not bring her lunch if she forgets - I'm at work and it'd take an hour to get to her and I can't leave work that way. But I'm fine with reminding her as she walks out the door to grab her lunch. If she's had a long day I'll sometimes carry her backpack home (we walk about a mile from the bus to get home). I've been known to do her homework for her if it's bullshit busy work and she knows the concepts.

I was thinking about something similar recently, OP. I saw a parent opening a car door for their kid. I can't remember my parents EVER opening the car door for me, whether it was to get in or out. I can see when children are under 3 yrs old and maybe it's too heavy, but kids in elementary school? Why are the kids just STANDING THERE?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. I will sometimes make the kids breakfast even though, at 12, 15 and 16, they are more than capable of doing it themselves. I generally do their laundry. I make the 16 year olds lunch every school day... I'm up anyway and she's rushing around to get ready. She knows how to do it, obviously. The other two are homeschooled so no lunches to pack. But sometimes they clean bathrooms, throw in a load of towels, wash dishes, make lunch for everyone, etc. I will also ask them to make me a cup of tea, go grab me something out of another room, and so on. As long as they know how to do things, I not opposed to doing things for them. It's just part of being a family, imo.

So in addition to knowing how to make breakfast, would it be beneficial for her to also learn how to manage her time so she can get everything done? Not a criticism, just a thought.

What is the benefit to the family of doing laundry for them?

Again just curious how other folks do things. I do a lot of the family laundry. For no good and defensible reason at all. I simply have not helped them adopt habits to do that. As another poster pointed out, if they do only their own laundry, then the loads are small and inefficient. But sometimes I will ask either of them to throw an entire load of combined laundry in, and they cheerfully do. (I am not particular about laundry!)

[Anonymous]

My mom cooked my breakfast, made my lunch for school, and did my laundry until I went off to college. It was nice. I have two older elementary-aged boys, and I expect that I will be doing the same for them through high school. Part of the reason for this is that I don't want them to have cereal and milk for breakfast and a PB&J for lunch every day. If I make breakfast/lunch for them, then I get to develop their palette a little more!

[Anonymous]

I do my 13 and 15 year olds laundry to use the washer efficiently (avoiding many small loads). It is not complicated to do. A few months before college I will put them in charge.

[Anonymous]

I make my teenage son's breakfast every morning because our kitchen is so small and I have very little counter space. I don't want anyone else in there with me when I'm trying to get other morning stuff going. So, my son lucks out on account of our tiny kitchen!

[Anonymous]

Oprah shared a story of when she and Gail were chatting somewhere in the house and Gail tried to excuse herself to go upstairs to run the bath for her children. Her younger child was maybe 8 years old. Oprah balked and said if a child is old enough to do something for themselves, don't do it for them. I think that's how she introduced a whole episode on child autonomy and parenting. It made sense at the time, even pre-baby. Silly that a woman without children felt comfortable chastising a mother, but that's another topic.

Evidently, I picked up the idea. I don't put a value on the practice--someone's not good or bad whichever way they go (doing for your kids vs. kids doing for themselves). It just makes sense for us.

My children are younger than tween-age, but I still hold back from helping them with the things they can accomplish on their own. God help me, it may take DD four minutes to zip her coat. I do my best to wait it out, despite the morning rush. Same with shoes, moving dishes to back to the kitchen after dinner, etc. DS learned how to hang up his laundry, so that's the expectation now. He's six. He has been in charge of bedtime stories for the last few weeks, now that his reading level allows for it. I lie down on the bed with them to listen. They unload the dishwasher. I load the dirty dishes. Yes, there are step stools involved, but that's how we do it. They play sweep while I actually sweep the floor. We all take the trash out together. They lotion themselves after their bath. DS and DD love it when DS is the one to wash DD's hair. I brush and manage it though. I don't imagine she'll be able to do her own hair for a very, very long time, so I do that for her happily and probably will until she's old enough to go to the salon herself. We're AA, so it's a lot more complicated. What else? I dunno, but I think you see where I'm going with all this.

They seem so proud of themselves when they do these things. It's fun for them. It's certainly helpful to me. I think I drew them into these activities once I started to feel like I had a couple of permanent houseguests. I couldn't bear the thought of "oh you wait right here on the sofa while I get lunch ready" for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. I will sometimes make the kids breakfast even though, at 12, 15 and 16, they are more than capable of doing it themselves. I generally do their laundry. I make the 16 year olds lunch every school day... I'm up anyway and she's rushing around to get ready. She knows how to do it, obviously. The other two are homeschooled so no lunches to pack. But sometimes they clean bathrooms, throw in a load of towels, wash dishes, make lunch for everyone, etc. I will also ask them to make me a cup of tea, go grab me something out of another room, and so on. As long as they know how to do things, I not opposed to doing things for them. It's just part of being a family, imo.

You just made me remember the first time DS made me a cup of tea! It was completely unprompted. I love the sound of your situation. "It's just part of being a family." So reciprocal and natural. It gives me hope that 12, 15, and 16 will be a welcome time!!

[Anonymous]

My 14-year old gets her own breakfast and makes her own lunch for school. She can and often does her own laundry. She will sometimes make her own meals on the weekends like scrambled eggs and will spontaneously make things for siblings or parents, but she doesn't prepare dinner for the family on a regular basis or anything like that.

My 10-year old does much less. I make her lunches (she fills her water bottle with ice and water) and do her laundry. She will make hot chocolate for herself (in the microwave) and used the toaster oven to make some things, and will heat up soup on the stove. That's about it. She has a friend her age who does extensive baking, so I'm sure my daughter is capable, but hasn't done it on her own yet, although she has helped me.

[Anonymous]

It is about balance. My teen can do all the things discussed: clean, laundry, self care, but not cook because he really doesn't like eating.

Sometimes I do those things for him. Sometimes I dont. Depends on the day and what else is going on.

I don't put my rules about what he should do before the needs of the day.

[Anonymous]

I have a 17 year old daughter and 15 year old son. They both do their own laundry and take care of lunch. The rule in our house is you can either make it or buy school lunch and they usually do some of each. As far as chores go, we are somewhat lax and I struggle with that. They both have one regular job, DS sets the table and DD takes out the trash and have had these chores for a number of years. In addition, everyone clears there own plates and puts them in the dishwasher after any meal eaten at home. That is all the positive, however.

Either me or my husband do everything else, including cleaning pots and pans, all yard work etc... The kids rooms are always a mess, and even when they "pick up" for the housecleaners every 2 weeks they just pile stuff out of the way. I hate it, but I hate fighting about it more. They are both fully capable, but don't care that their rooms are messy.

If I had to do it over again, I would start imposing chores earlier. The earlier you start the less they question.