Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand your post at all, OP. What purpose would telling your "true feelings" to your brother serve other than to alienate and piss him off? These aren't feelings -- these are just your random bitchy observations about this guy. None of these "feelings" are about the quality of their relationship, how this person treats your brother, how they get along, their long term potential as mates -- they are all surface superficial issues.

Imagine if your brother came to you and said "Larla, I feel I need to tell you my true feelings about your husband. Have you noticed that he doesn't dress that well, that his hair cut sucks, and that he could drive a much nicer car?" What, pray tell, would your reaction be?

Lol, this is funny to me because you've pretty much described my brother. Now that I think of it, that's another way he and his boyfriend match on the surface: dogs and bad shirts. Lol.
Seriously, I know everyone loves an "opposites attract and all that story" , but that isn't the norm.
Like tends to go with and stay with like.
I know my brother and the circles he runs in. I know my family, and the boyfriend would stick out like a sore thumb.
Also to those who seem to think he's in it for the sex,
My brother isn't like that.
I'm sure he has sex, and probably with the new guy, but he's not the type to use someone just for sex.
He also wouldn't ask me what I thought about him, if that was the situation.
I haven't said anything to my brother. As I said we're close and I've shared my instincts with him before, but I'll refrain from doing so for now. When I replied to his text all I said was that he seemed nice.
He hasn't replied to me yet, so I don't know if anymore needs to be said.

[Anonymous]

Just tell your brother that you love him and that you are happy that he is happy. Tell him that you think he should be careful to make sure that his boyfriend loves him for all the right reasons -- just like you tell all your girlfriends. Tell him that you think he is a wonderful brother and you know that he's an amazing catch for the right guy.

Then support the hell out of his relationship until it crashes. At that time, be there to support your brother.

[Anonymous]

You said the right thing. This is your brother's life. Just support him. You don't have any real reason to be suspicious. Plenty of young, handsome gay men like older men. Your brother might be this guy's type.

[Anonymous]

Okay so my brother finally got back to me.
He said he was glad that me and DH like him, our opinion meant a lot to him.
So I kind of tease him about that and ask him how things are going between them now that they've hit the 3 month marker.
He says really well, and he's considering bringing him by on Thanksgiving.
I'm teasing again and tell him that's kind of a serious move, and he comes back with maybe I'm kind of serious about him.
He hasn't replied to my request to explain himself.

My question is, assuming he's not pulling my leg, how can he be serious about him?
I also think Thanksgiving is a bad idea.
1. Some of our extended family still aren't comfortable with my brother being gay, not that I think he should hide it, but I don't think it's worth the potential drama for a BF of 3 months.
2. I think it's way to soon for him to meet parents and grandparents etc.
3. Back to my original concern about the differences in education etc. He is going to stick out, and certain family members will not have a problem questioning him. I do not want my brother to be humiliated.

Is 42 the age for a midlife crisis?

[Anonymous]

He says really well, and he's considering bringing him by on Thanksgiving.
I'm teasing again and tell him that's kind of a serious move, and he comes back with maybe I'm kind of serious about him.
He hasn't replied to my request to explain himself.

My question is, assuming he's not pulling my leg, how can he be serious about him?
I also think Thanksgiving is a bad idea.
1. Some of our extended family still aren't comfortable with my brother being gay, not that I think he should hide it, but I don't think it's worth the potential drama for a BF of 3 months.
2. I think it's way to soon for him to meet parents and grandparents etc.
3. Back to my original concern about the differences in education etc. He is going to stick out, and certain family members will not have a problem questioning him. I do not want my brother to be humiliated.

Is 42 the age for a midlife crisis?

You are way overinvolved in your brother's situation. Let him work these issues out for himself. The only appropriate response is "ok, well DH and I would be glad to see you guys at Thanksgiving. You know some of our other family members may be difficult about it, but if [boyfriend's name] is ready to deal with that, then why not?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything. I mean, what would you say? "You're too old and fat for him to be attracted to, he must be after your money since you have nothing else to offer"? That is never going to go over well.

Oh god no! I would never say that. I'm his sister so I'm biased, but I think my brother is great catch. He's very successful in his career, highly educated, and a nice guy. I guess I just don't see them fitting together, but they met walking their dogs, so I guess they have that in common.

So you believe he's a catch? Maybe his boyfriend does too.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, first I was on your side, but now...

Who really give this much of a shit about 1) education and 2) where her brother is sticking his...mind?

Let it go. Your brother seems happy. If he's not, it's a grown man.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'll offer the perspective of the boyfriend even though I'm a woman.
My now SIL in-law thought I was a gold digger because I was a lot younger than DH ( 13 years) , less educated ( I have my BA), and I was the stereotypical cute blonde.

She told him her feelings, and I know her butting in caused a lot of issues between them.

I remember being hurt, because my DH spoke so highly of her and I wanted her to like me, and I felt like I was causing trouble.

Oh, and the reason I fell for my DH was because hew was the nicest guy I had gone out with, the guys closer to my age were mostly pigs just interested in adding me to their numbers, and didn't at all care about me as a person. DH was different.

Just something for you to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, first I was on your side, but now...

Who really give this much of a shit about 1) education and 2) where her brother is sticking his...mind?

Let it go. Your brother seems happy. If he's not, it's a grown man.

It's not really me. I don't understand it, but I can let it go.
I know our family, they'll ask about his boyfriend's schooling and what he does for a living, and they won't let it go. I just want a drama free Thanksgiving dinner for once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a jerk, honestly. My husband doesn't have a college degree and he's smarter and more well read than me. I'm also significant overweight, but I am awesome and great company and we get along really well. Maybe the younger guy is attracted to your brother for his personality, stability, and goodness. Maybe he likes your brother's body type. Your "sisterly intuition" is nothing but your prejudice and it has nothing to do with this you get man's character, which you know nothing of.

Shut your trap, observe, and be less shallow and judgmental.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a classic example of projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay so my brother finally got back to me.
He said he was glad that me and DH like him, our opinion meant a lot to him.
So I kind of tease him about that and ask him how things are going between them now that they've hit the 3 month marker.
He says really well, and he's considering bringing him by on Thanksgiving.
I'm teasing again and tell him that's kind of a serious move, and he comes back with maybe I'm kind of serious about him.
He hasn't replied to my request to explain himself.

My question is, assuming he's not pulling my leg, how can he be serious about him?
I also think Thanksgiving is a bad idea.
1. Some of our extended family still aren't comfortable with my brother being gay, not that I think he should hide it, but I don't think it's worth the potential drama for a BF of 3 months.
2. I think it's way to soon for him to meet parents and grandparents etc.
3. Back to my original concern about the differences in education etc. He is going to stick out, and certain family members will not have a problem questioning him. I do not want my brother to be humiliated.

Is 42 the age for a midlife crisis?

Your extended family needs to eff off. Their comfort is irrelevant. And whoever is hosting Thanksgiving should make that clear. Also, would you say that three months is too short if he were heterosexual and bringing a girlfriend? My DH and I married after 3 months, and that was 16 yrs and 3 kids ago.

I think you have more issues with it than you want to admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay so my brother finally got back to me.
He said he was glad that me and DH like him, our opinion meant a lot to him.
So I kind of tease him about that and ask him how things are going between them now that they've hit the 3 month marker.
He says really well, and he's considering bringing him by on Thanksgiving.
I'm teasing again and tell him that's kind of a serious move, and he comes back with maybe I'm kind of serious about him.
He hasn't replied to my request to explain himself.

My question is, assuming he's not pulling my leg, how can he be serious about him?
I also think Thanksgiving is a bad idea.
1. Some of our extended family still aren't comfortable with my brother being gay, not that I think he should hide it, but I don't think it's worth the potential drama for a BF of 3 months.
2. I think it's way to soon for him to meet parents and grandparents etc.
3. Back to my original concern about the differences in education etc. He is going to stick out, and certain family members will not have a problem questioning him. I do not want my brother to be humiliated.

Is 42 the age for a midlife crisis?

Your extended family needs to eff off. Their comfort is irrelevant. And whoever is hosting Thanksgiving should make that clear. Also, would you say that three months is too short if he were heterosexual and bringing a girlfriend? My DH and I married after 3 months, and that was 16 yrs and 3 kids ago.

I think you have more issues with it than you want to admit.

I honestly don't. I long suspected my brother was gay long before he came out 10 years ago. That was a tough time in our family, but I was there for him, to the point of nearly cutting certain family members off so don't accuse me of being a homophobe.
I thought it was tacky when my cousin brought his gf of 3 months to Thanksgiving two years because she was the one and needed to know the family. Surprise, surpirse they are no longer together.

Last year it was another drama. I don't want drama.

But mostly I'm worried about my brother, but as others have so nicely pointed it out I can't say anything or I'm being a stuck up bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay so my brother finally got back to me.
He said he was glad that me and DH like him, our opinion meant a lot to him.
So I kind of tease him about that and ask him how things are going between them now that they've hit the 3 month marker.
He says really well, and he's considering bringing him by on Thanksgiving.
I'm teasing again and tell him that's kind of a serious move, and he comes back with maybe I'm kind of serious about him.
He hasn't replied to my request to explain himself.

My question is, assuming he's not pulling my leg, how can he be serious about him?
I also think Thanksgiving is a bad idea.
1. Some of our extended family still aren't comfortable with my brother being gay, not that I think he should hide it, but I don't think it's worth the potential drama for a BF of 3 months.
2. I think it's way to soon for him to meet parents and grandparents etc.
3. Back to my original concern about the differences in education etc. He is going to stick out, and certain family members will not have a problem questioning him. I do not want my brother to be humiliated.

Is 42 the age for a midlife crisis?

Your extended family needs to eff off. Their comfort is irrelevant. And whoever is hosting Thanksgiving should make that clear. Also, would you say that three months is too short if he were heterosexual and bringing a girlfriend? My DH and I married after 3 months, and that was 16 yrs and 3 kids ago.

I think you have more issues with it than you want to admit.

I honestly don't. I long suspected my brother was gay long before he came out 10 years ago. That was a tough time in our family, but I was there for him, to the point of nearly cutting certain family members off so don't accuse me of being a homophobe.
I thought it was tacky when my cousin brought his gf of 3 months to Thanksgiving two years because she was the one and needed to know the family. Surprise, surpirse they are no longer together.

Last year it was another drama. I don't want drama.

But mostly I'm worried about my brother, but as others have so nicely pointed it out I can't say anything or I'm being a stuck up bitch.

I don't think you get to decide how long is long enough to be considered a serious mate. Many people marry after that long. Just because you decide three months is tacky (WTF??) doesn't make it so.

[Anonymous]

Tacky because a cousin brought a girl he had been dating for 3 mths to Thanksgiving?
That is seriously weird. Where is the cutoff for you - 6 months, 1 yr?
So what if they are no longer together? It is just Thanksgiving one year, not a 2 wk family reunion in Italy.
Also, what family grills people on their education once they are over thirty?
Is the dude unemployed as that would be worrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, first I was on your side, but now...

Who really give this much of a shit about 1) education and 2) where her brother is sticking his...mind?

Let it go. Your brother seems happy. If he's not, it's a grown man.

+1 You accused another poster of being offensive but you are worse, in this situation.

Your brother is happy with this guy. And you think he's having a midlife crisis because his BF isn't as well educated and will stick out in your family? That's incredibly elitist and rather f-Ed up. None of your examples raise alarm bells. Plus your brother is not a child, FFS.