Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?

My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).

What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.

Mono. The boyfriend has a neuromuscular disorder that is related to mono, and gave it to my friend. My friend said he didn't get it from kissing anyone, which turns out to be big fat untrue. The boyfriend's disease is related to mono, and they started kissing around that time.. go figure. But he didn't get it from him!

I'm a germaphobe anyway, and at this point I just don't trust the boyfriend to accurately disclose what he may or may not have, and I don't want anything.

You mean Epstein Barr? Unless you are already immunocompromised, that's generally not considered a serious illness, and it's very rare for it to have life-long complications or for symptoms to recur.

Also, if it is EBV, approximately 95% of people are infected with it by the time they are adults, even if they never show symptoms, so there's a good chance you already have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?

My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).

What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.

Mono. The boyfriend has a neuromuscular disorder that is related to mono, and gave it to my friend. My friend said he didn't get it from kissing anyone, which turns out to be big fat untrue. The boyfriend's disease is related to mono, and they started kissing around that time.. go figure. But he didn't get it from him!

I'm a germaphobe anyway, and at this point I just don't trust the boyfriend to accurately disclose what he may or may not have, and I don't want anything.

You mean Epstein Barr? Unless you are already immunocompromised, that's generally not considered a serious illness, and it's very rare for it to have life-long complications or for symptoms to recur.

No, I don't. It is related to Epstein-Barr, and when I looked up his disease, that is what caught my eye, because of course that's related to mono, which is why my friend got it. I will try to go back and find out what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything. I mean, what would you say? "You're too old and fat for him to be attracted to, he must be after your money since you have nothing else to offer"? That is never going to go over well.

Oh god no! I would never say that. I'm his sister so I'm biased, but I think my brother is great catch. He's very successful in his career, highly educated, and a nice guy. I guess I just don't see them fitting together, but they met walking their dogs, so I guess they have that in common.

So if he's a great catch, isn't it possible that his boyfriend sees him the same way? I get that something's rubbing you the wrong way, and that's really hard to sit with, but there's nothing really to say unless you have something more concrete, either in terms of information your brother isn't aware of, or observations that your brother seems unhappy.

Maybe just maybe he genuinely likes your brother. Maybe your brother treats him well compared to those in his "colorful past" whatever that means. Maybe your brother is a little less snotty than you seem to be and doesn't care that he doesn't have a degree or a fancy career or that he isn't "polished".
I wouldn't say anything more than you have unless you have some concrete evidence that he's using your brother.

It seems the consensus is to keep my mouth shut. I will. I don;t care that he doesn't have a degree, but that would make him the odd man out in our family, he's just not what I was expecting, which I agree doesn't make him wrong for my brother. Maybe it's just sisterly intuition. I don't know, but I'll keep quiet.

Also I'm not worried about my brother catching a disease. Which by the way is a little offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?

My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).

What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.

Mono. The boyfriend has a neuromuscular disorder that is related to mono, and gave it to my friend. My friend said he didn't get it from kissing anyone, which turns out to be big fat untrue. The boyfriend's disease is related to mono, and they started kissing around that time.. go figure. But he didn't get it from him!

I'm a germaphobe anyway, and at this point I just don't trust the boyfriend to accurately disclose what he may or may not have, and I don't want anything.

You mean Epstein Barr? Unless you are already immunocompromised, that's generally not considered a serious illness, and it's very rare for it to have life-long complications or for symptoms to recur.

No, I don't. It is related to Epstein-Barr, and when I looked up his disease, that is what caught my eye, because of course that's related to mono, which is why my friend got it. I will try to go back and find out what it is.

Mono is caused by EBV. If your friend had mono, it's because he caught EBV. It's a herpesvirus (along with the two forms of herpes and chicken pox), but the different herpesviruses aren't interchangeable. So if your friend's boyfriend has a different herpesvirus, it didn't cause your friend's mono.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?

My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).

What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.

Mono. The boyfriend has a neuromuscular disorder that is related to mono, and gave it to my friend. My friend said he didn't get it from kissing anyone, which turns out to be big fat untrue. The boyfriend's disease is related to mono, and they started kissing around that time.. go figure. But he didn't get it from him!

I'm a germaphobe anyway, and at this point I just don't trust the boyfriend to accurately disclose what he may or may not have, and I don't want anything.

You mean Epstein Barr? Unless you are already immunocompromised, that's generally not considered a serious illness, and it's very rare for it to have life-long complications or for symptoms to recur.

No, I don't. It is related to Epstein-Barr, and when I looked up his disease, that is what caught my eye, because of course that's related to mono, which is why my friend got it. I will try to go back and find out what it is.

Mono is caused by EBV. If your friend had mono, it's because he caught EBV. It's a herpesvirus (along with the two forms of herpes and chicken pox), but the different herpesviruses aren't interchangeable. So if your friend's boyfriend has a different herpesvirus, it didn't cause your friend's mono.

It's dermatomyositis, which mostly comes from mono/ EBV.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand your post at all, OP. What purpose would telling your "true feelings" to your brother serve other than to alienate and piss him off? These aren't feelings -- these are just your random bitchy observations about this guy. None of these "feelings" are about the quality of their relationship, how this person treats your brother, how they get along, their long term potential as mates -- they are all surface superficial issues.

Imagine if your brother came to you and said "Larla, I feel I need to tell you my true feelings about your husband. Have you noticed that he doesn't dress that well, that his hair cut sucks, and that he could drive a much nicer car?" What, pray tell, would your reaction be?

[Anonymous]

Just adding a different side to things. Nobody likes my brothers girlfriend. Now they are a match on paper. Both care about looks, both are preppers, both have similar eudcation. But the relationship is so toxic my brother crumples in tears on someone's porch about four times a month. He'll tell me, my parents, his kids, his exes, all about how horrible she is but how can he get back with her because he loves he so much?

If your brother is happy, and this man is kind, I'd let it go. My own husband and I come from different ethnic backgrounds, different religions, have almost 10 years age difference, and one is fat the other skinny. But he is the kindest man I've ever met, and I'd like to think I'm kind too. The lack of drama in the house can't be emphasized too much, IMO. We've been married almost 15 years. Maybe we don't seem a great match on paper, but I have one of the happier marriages in my circle. Relationships are never perfect and IMO no human will meet all your needs and wants. If your brother finds a guy who lets him be himself, who's supportive and kind, who makes him feel good, that's all that really matters.

[Anonymous]

Get to know him better first and get to know their relationship. Sometimes it's hard to just imagine how two people fit together until you see them in action and what kind of things they do together, how they travel, what they talk about...

It is easy to question a siblings new relationship because we want what's best for them. But don't interfere prematurely and risk your relationship. Seems like your brother trusts you and feels comfortable with you...he needs that. Don't make him question your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?

My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).

What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.

Mono. The boyfriend has a neuromuscular disorder that is related to mono, and gave it to my friend. My friend said he didn't get it from kissing anyone, which turns out to be big fat untrue. The boyfriend's disease is related to mono, and they started kissing around that time.. go figure. But he didn't get it from him!

I'm a germaphobe anyway, and at this point I just don't trust the boyfriend to accurately disclose what he may or may not have, and I don't want anything.

You mean Epstein Barr? Unless you are already immunocompromised, that's generally not considered a serious illness, and it's very rare for it to have life-long complications or for symptoms to recur.

No, I don't. It is related to Epstein-Barr, and when I looked up his disease, that is what caught my eye, because of course that's related to mono, which is why my friend got it. I will try to go back and find out what it is.

Mono is caused by EBV. If your friend had mono, it's because he caught EBV. It's a herpesvirus (along with the two forms of herpes and chicken pox), but the different herpesviruses aren't interchangeable. So if your friend's boyfriend has a different herpesvirus, it didn't cause your friend's mono.

It's dermatomyositis, which mostly comes from mono/ EBV.

NIH and the Mayo Clinic would disagree with you about that. Dematomyositis is believed to be an autoimmune condition, and like other autoimmune conditions, the ultimate cause is unknown. They are believed, though, to be an inherent issue (given the significant apparent genetic link) that lies dormant until triggered by an illness (bacterial or viral), medication or some kind of environmental irritant, after which they typically go into periods of alternating flare-ups and remission. Some people begin to present symptoms after any one of a variety of infections, including EBV (but certainly not exclusively EBV), but it's not believed to be caused by those viruses.

So basically, your friend has EBV, which he could have caught from his boyfriend or any one of the many people he's been exposed to who have EBV, since it's estimated that 95% of the population has it (which means you probably already do as well), even though fewer than 25% of people who contract EBV ever show symptoms. I think your friend is probably more insulted by your ignorance than by a movie soda.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your brother is just enjoying the hot younger man?

[Anonymous]

If he asks, just say "He seems nice" which you actually think of him.
Then ask him, "What do you like about him?" Not in a bitchy way, but in a way that will help you see the boyfriend through your brother's eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm totally cool with my brother being gay, so that's not it.
The guys he has dated in the past have been closer to his age, his equal in education and career, and more like us.
The boyfriend hasn't even been to college, though my brother did mention he might be taking classes in the new year.
I guess I'm confused what he sees in him.
My husband didn't say much about it, and kind of rolled his eyes at me when I brought it up. He did talk football with him, so I guess that's a plus.

Seriously? You don't know?

Your husband rolled his eyes at you, because he's a man, and HE knows. Ask him.

[Anonymous]

I don't think anything has happened that would warrant saying anything to your brother at this point. You met the guy, he seemed nice enough, that's all you can say. It may be that ultimately the two of them are not a match, but that'll work itself out over time. Wait and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP: your brother is likely a bear, and his BF is a twink or an otter. Worst comes to worst, he's a rentboy, and if that's the case your brother knows exactly what he's getting. It's not a big deal.

Tell your brother "he seems nice; how are things going with you two?" If your bro wants you to dish dirt, he will cue you in at that point.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a jerk, honestly. My husband doesn't have a college degree and he's smarter and more well read than me. I'm also significant overweight, but I am awesome and great company and we get along really well. Maybe the younger guy is attracted to your brother for his personality, stability, and goodness. Maybe he likes your brother's body type. Your "sisterly intuition" is nothing but your prejudice and it has nothing to do with this you get man's character, which you know nothing of.

Shut your trap, observe, and be less shallow and judgmental.