Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, first I was on your side, but now...

Who really give this much of a shit about 1) education and 2) where her brother is sticking his...mind?

Let it go. Your brother seems happy. If he's not, it's a grown man.

+1 You accused another poster of being offensive but you are worse, in this situation.

Your brother is happy with this guy. And you think he's having a midlife crisis because his BF isn't as well educated and will stick out in your family? That's incredibly elitist and rather f-Ed up. None of your examples raise alarm bells. Plus your brother is not a child, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Plus you don't give your brother much credit - at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of understand the 3 month thing, but that's because in my family you don't bring bf/gfs around unless you're pretty much engaged to them

But who's to say your brother doesn't feel that strongly about his boyfriend after 3 months?

These are two fully grown adults here not kids. I'm sure they know you are doing, and I'm sure your brother knows the family dynamics and issues just as well as you do.

Honestly, the way you tell it your family sounds like a bunch of elitist snobs.
They type who sit around and compare titles, degrees, and how many papers they have published, in other words boring!

*What they are*

Sorry iphone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, first I was on your side, but now...

Who really give this much of a shit about 1) education and 2) where her brother is sticking his...mind?

Let it go. Your brother seems happy. If he's not, it's a grown man.

It's not really me. I don't understand it, but I can let it go.
I know our family, they'll ask about his boyfriend's schooling and what he does for a living, and they won't let it go. I just want a drama free Thanksgiving dinner for once.

They'll actually ask about his "schooling"? That's just insufferable. I no longer think you're for real, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, first I was on your side, but now...

Who really give this much of a shit about 1) education and 2) where her brother is sticking his...mind?

Let it go. Your brother seems happy. If he's not, it's a grown man.

It's not really me. I don't understand it, but I can let it go.
I know our family, they'll ask about his boyfriend's schooling and what he does for a living, and they won't let it go. I just want a drama free Thanksgiving dinner for once.

They'll actually ask about his "schooling"? That's just insufferable. I no longer think you're for real, OP.

Unfortunately, I know people like this. My exes family. The very fist time I met them they wanted to know my alma mater. They were a " Harvard Family" .Like a pp mentioned conversations nearly always centered around who they were rubbing shoulders with, and which cousin was obtaining a 3rd degree or whatever. My former MIL was appalled that I wanted to be a SAHM.
I thank God I no longer have to spend time with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay so my brother finally got back to me.
He said he was glad that me and DH like him, our opinion meant a lot to him.
So I kind of tease him about that and ask him how things are going between them now that they've hit the 3 month marker.
He says really well, and he's considering bringing him by on Thanksgiving.
I'm teasing again and tell him that's kind of a serious move, and he comes back with maybe I'm kind of serious about him.
He hasn't replied to my request to explain himself.

My question is, assuming he's not pulling my leg, how can he be serious about him?
I also think Thanksgiving is a bad idea.
1. Some of our extended family still aren't comfortable with my brother being gay, not that I think he should hide it, but I don't think it's worth the potential drama for a BF of 3 months.
2. I think it's way to soon for him to meet parents and grandparents etc.
3. Back to my original concern about the differences in education etc. He is going to stick out, and certain family members will not have a problem questioning him. I do not want my brother to be humiliated.

Is 42 the age for a midlife crisis?

On point 1, I'm sure your brother is well aware of this, so you're not sharing anything new with him. Further, he shouldn't have to hide who he is and the important relationships in his life due to their discomfort with his homosexuality. You sound like you're trying to push him back into the closet. On point 2, that's not your decision to make. Your brother has decided the importance of this relationship in his life, and whether it rises to the level of bringing his boyfriend home for Thanksgiving. On point 3, again, your brother is surely well-aware of the differences between himself and his boyfriend, and of the overt narrow-mindedness of some of your relatives. And once again, he shouldn't have to hide who he is and the important relationships in his life due to the discomfort of others.

[Anonymous]

Okay OP, I've read through this, and from your responses. I think your concerns come from a place of love for your brother.

Are you the " big sister"?

I'm the oldest in my family and I find as an adult I have to stop myself from bossing my siblings around. I also find I have a ridiculous need to please my parents and conform to family standards, something I think that comes from being the firstborn and always being made the example for my younger siblings.
I'm working on this in therapy.

I think this is what you might be doing here.

Your brother is a grown man, he knows what he's doing. You may not understand it. You may not like it. In the end you may even be right about the boyfriend, or this guy could be his soulmate.
It's up to your brother it's his life, and his choices to make.

All you can do is choose how you respond. If I were you I'd be supportive of him, and not get sucked into any family drama.

[Anonymous]

Would you be so worried about the 3 months if the boyfriend was closer to your brother's age and income bracket?

You don't say exactly what your brother has told you about the BF's "colorful" past , but unless it involves some sort of criminal activity you shouldn't hold it against him. Obviously your brother is okay with it, and it's his opinion that matters here. Not yours and not various family members.

Why can't your brother have an attractive SO?
Why does it matter if he hasn't gone to college. BTW it's a little appalling you would ask this the first time you met him.

You also don't know this guy. You have met him once, and from your own admission you say he seems night.
Spend a little more time with him. Get to know him.
Right now you are being very judgmental of a person you barely know. He might be a great guy and exactly what your brother ( and your family) needs, but you won't know that unless you give him a chance.

What should matter to you is that he treats your brother well, and that he makes your brother happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything. I mean, what would you say? "You're too old and fat for him to be attracted to, he must be after your money since you have nothing else to offer"? That is never going to go over well.

Agree. You have to let things run their course and for all you know they may have a strong connection.

[Anonymous]

You need to MYOB.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you could use the holiday to get to know him better and see what your brother sees in him.
Maybe he's funny.
Maybe he's read a lot of good (or better yet trashy) novels.
Maybe he's good at music trivia.

My BIL was in a relationship with someone I didn't "get" but when I was expecting he made me mac & cheese and bought me maternity clothes. He had been married to a woman and had a kid (my concern) but the flip side was he knew what pregnant women needed to not be bonkers. We became allies.

If your family attacks him, or puts him on edge, you could help your brother by being a buffer/cheering section.

Family approval obviously means a lot to your brother and so does this dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, first I was on your side, but now...

Who really give this much of a shit about 1) education and 2) where her brother is sticking his...mind?

Let it go. Your brother seems happy. If he's not, it's a grown man.

It's not really me. I don't understand it, but I can let it go.
I know our family, they'll ask about his boyfriend's schooling and what he does for a living, and they won't let it go. I just want a drama free Thanksgiving dinner for once.

They'll actually ask about his "schooling"? That's just insufferable. I no longer think you're for real, OP.

Unfortunately, I know people like this. My exes family. The very fist time I met them they wanted to know my alma mater. They were a " Harvard Family" .Like a pp mentioned conversations nearly always centered around who they were rubbing shoulders with, and which cousin was obtaining a 3rd degree or whatever. My former MIL was appalled that I wanted to be a SAHM.
I thank God I no longer have to spend time with them!

If it makes you feel any better, I went to Harvard. My parents were disappointed in me for regularly for choosing a school so far away.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but I would think about how much your brother does / doesn't prioritize formal education. My best friend was dating a guy who made her very happy, but had experienced a breakdown and dropped out of school after a college breakup. That, coupled with his father's multiple divorces, made me nervous about his background. At one point I asked her "does any of this make you nervous? Do you care?" We had a really honest discussion that made it clear to me she'd given it all serious thought. They have been together over a decade and have an adorable kid, so it's working so far. I don't think I ever could have married someone in those circumstances, but luckily I wasn't the one marrying him. Also, she probably had some doubts about my husband too. Someone can seem flawed but still be a good fit for another person.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's just taking a walk on the wild side, OP, and their differences make the whole thing hot. Some guys (and women) like being the sugar daddy; others like being the sugar daddy. They find the power differential sexy. Maybe that's at play here. Or maybe not. I wouldn't say anything in any case. My cousin is in a very similar situation and anyone who tried to say anything has gotten the permanent freeze from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he's just taking a walk on the wild side, OP, and their differences make the whole thing hot. Some guys (and women) like being the sugar daddy; others like being the sugar daddy. They find the power differential sexy. Maybe that's at play here. Or maybe not. I wouldn't say anything in any case. My cousin is in a very similar situation and anyone who tried to say anything has gotten the permanent freeze from him.

^^correction: sugar baby