My mom won't visit us.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am a 38 year old woman with an intense fear of flying/trains. No amount of Xanax, short of knocking me out which I can't do because I have a 2 and 4 year old, makes it even tolerable for me to travel.
I'm talking shaking, sobbing, throwing up for days after the flight. It's no joke.
My family doesn't understand why I don't travel to see them unless my husband is with me (he can manage kids while I am having a nervous breakdown even with meds) and say things like "oh flying makes her a little nervous" even after I have explained in detail what happens to me.
It has created a big problem in my family and a source of resentment in my end.
Please consider your mothers problem to be real, and not diminish it.

[Anonymous]

Stop taking it personally. Maybe she is anxious. Maybe it is more.

As one poster said, my dad cannot stand being out of his routine. If he can't get up and go to Hardees for coffee, he is a mess. Why? I don't know, but it is what it is.

But that doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself also. Make plans to visit X number of times a year, and be honest with your mom that it is all you can handle. Tell her that you realize travel is hard for her, but if she is willing, you will help cover the cost. Then reiterate that you would love to see her more, but you have your own problems, and X number of trips is all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, people. 68 is still 68. It's not middle age. It's elderly. So, some people live to be 98. Some people die at 69 and it's considered to be death by natural causes.

My mom was 68 a few years ago and I had no patience wth her inability to travel, to socialize, to care for herself. By comparison, my dad worked to 80 and her sisters, both 10 years older, drove, lived at home, and had full social lives. We movedmy mom into assisted living because she couldn't handle things like shopping and cooking anymore. And I was so frustrated because 68 is young these days, right?

No. 68 is still old. She died last month at 73 from complications from progressive dementia. She had widespread brain atrophy at the time of her death.

Turns out she had been doing her best, even thoughogs of others manage to be much more functional at older ages. I'm sorry I was such an impatient asshole to her all those years. I'm sorry I interpreted her fragility as laziness and her neediness as selfishness.

Your mom may be doing the best she can. You do the same and just try to love her while you have a mom.

[Anonymous]

People age at different rates. For your mom, 68 might be really old. I would assume there are health problems that she doesn't want to tell you about. Visit her, but don't hold a grudge if she doesn't visit as much as you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People age at different rates. For your mom, 68 might be really old. I would assume there are health problems that she doesn't want to tell you about. Visit her, but don't hold a grudge if she doesn't visit as much as you like.

+100

[Anonymous]

No real advice, OP - just sympathy. It's hard being far away from family and (regardless of the specifics) them not visiting. Sending hugs.

I know it's not the same thing as Mom, but it really helped me to build friendships with a few local women who are older and whose wisdom and support has been a true gift. They have become surrogate grandmas to my dd, each in her own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 68, and relatively healthy except for aches and pains. She's fully retired. She lives in New England in a country area with her longtime partner, a very nice man.

I am a single WOHM of two girls, 7 and 12 YO.

My mom loves to lay on the guilt that we don't visit her enough. However, she refuses to come visit me. She is afraid of planes and trains, can't take the "stress" of travel, and says she can't drive long distances.

It really hurts my feelings that she is unwilling to make the effort to see not only me, but her only granddaughters. She doesn't have much money but I'd happily pay for Mom to travel instead of paying for all three of us to fly or train back and forth.

I try to be compassionate. I don't know what it's like to be almost 70, no longer used to the "big city", with an achy knee and back. But I just feel so angry and disappointed that we aren't worth putting in the effort. I'm sad.

Just a vent I guess.

Op, you are being pretty dismissive. You say "aches and pains" and mention her knee and back. She may have a lot of back pain, shooting down her legs, unable to sleep when it hurts, and a swollen painful knee if she has to do stairs or walk on concrete. Your "aches and pains" make it sound like a little twinge here and there, and no big deal, but if that is a reason for not visiting it may be a big deal for her.
Some back conditions are agonizing when you have to sit for a prolonged period of time. She may suffer for weeks of she has to sit in a car for hours.
And the "travel anxiety" had already been covered as potentially a big issue.

I understand you are upset, but being upset *with* your mom instead of the situation and blaming her for things that may very well be out of her control is not really fair.

[Anonymous]

Op, the aches and pains of old age can be substantial. As a younger person with chronic pain, I can attest that it is indeed hard to drive long distances, carry a bag, etc.

You need to be more empathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, you raise some good points. I just have to try to understand, accept it, and just continue to see her when we can.

Thanks all....

And...Skype and FaceTime!! My parents are 3,000 miles away. They travel to visit often, but between visits they chat with my son on FaceTime and both of them love it. Its not the same as a visit, but it is pretty awesome

[Anonymous]

She's simply not up to it. Probably the sort to get anxious and disorganized really quickly.

It's frustrating, but probably not something she can help. So yes, you have to get over it at some point. Save your money for your daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I umm ... studied old people. Like, the psychology of why old people do and say the things they do and say. What i learned that pertains to your situation is that as people get older, they get flustered when they're out of their routine. That flustered feeling can show up in different ways - they might be less mannered (the case with my grandfather's girlfriend, who it turned out was a lovely hostess in her own home but a horrible guest in ours), they may be more clumsy and fall or drop things, they may get disoriented (getting lost, forgetting to take pills, making stupid mistakes) and overwhelmed easily, etc.

So it may be self-preservation on your mom's part to say she can't come to you. You look at her and say "You're barely old, and can take Advil if your knee hurts, so get over yourself and come visit," while she's worried she'll have the types of problems described above.

Can you and your daughters go visit once or twice a year? Or, can you send them to visit for a long weekend on their own by train?

I would legit like to hear more about your studies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the aches and pains of old age can be substantial. As a younger person with chronic pain, I can attest that it is indeed hard to drive long distances, carry a bag, etc.

You need to be more empathetic.

Op here, mom still walks the dog, gardens and does other things that she wants to do. Her pain is indeed real. But in my heart I know the truth is she picks and chooses when it's worth it. And coming to see us just isn't.

But I'll work on letting it go.