My mom won't visit us.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 68, and relatively healthy except for aches and pains. She's fully retired. She lives in New England in a country area with her longtime partner, a very nice man.

I am a single WOHM of two girls, 7 and 12 YO.

My mom loves to lay on the guilt that we don't visit her enough. However, she refuses to come visit me. She is afraid of planes and trains, can't take the "stress" of travel, and says she can't drive long distances.

It really hurts my feelings that she is unwilling to make the effort to see not only me, but her only granddaughters. She doesn't have much money but I'd happily pay for Mom to travel instead of paying for all three of us to fly or train back and forth.

I try to be compassionate. I don't know what it's like to be almost 70, no longer used to the "big city", with an achy knee and back. But I just feel so angry and disappointed that we aren't worth putting in the effort. I'm sad.

Just a vent I guess.

[Anonymous]

If mother doesn't travel anywhere, then this is not about you Op. If it's not about you, don't take it personally. Decide what you can do - - can you travel to see her 2 or 3 times a year just yourself, and maybe travel to see her with the kids once a year?

[Anonymous]

I'd just be firm and say "we'd love to see you more, but my budget and leave time don't have room for more than X trips a year to see you. Please come visit us any time. It's much easier to for me to pay for one round trip tic than 3."

You could offer to ride the train with her once so she gets used to it. My 74 year old agoraphobic mom, who won't fly and won't drive highways or over bridges, just loves the train.

[Anonymous]

OP It is hard as I am from the Boston area and DC to say just Boston on Amtrak is at least 8 hours. We live south of DC and when our children were younger would make the trek north once a year during the summer. So if you could travel once a year, I would go then as there are enough interesting places going and coming that you could stop mid-way overnight with your kids to visit, too. If funds are limited, then let Mom know if you drive up, the kids will have their sleeping bags or air mattress as needed to stay at her place with you for a few days. Are you open to having Mom and her partner come to your home because maybe that is part of the issue to make both fell welcome.

[Anonymous]

1) we do travel to see her. I took both kids to her last summer.
2) she does have anxiety, as do I.
3) I have told her the invitation stands, any time she may change her mind, just let me know.
4) 18:11, just wow.

[Anonymous]

PS, she does travel to see other relatives, but they are closer to her or she has her partner help her drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) we do travel to see her. I took both kids to her last summer.
2) she does have anxiety, as do I.
3) I have told her the invitation stands, any time she may change her mind, just let me know.
4) 18:11, just wow.

If she's not open to ongoing treatment, would she consider taking Xanax or something similar before traveling?

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. My mom is 74 and in good health aside from the usual aches and pains that come with aging. She won't drive the 4 hours from NJ to VA because she has never driven long distances alone. When she and my dad were married, my dad drove whenever we went on trips. They divorced a long time ago and she has been seeing a very nice man who has his own family and hobbies so he is not always available to drive her down. We used to pay for her to take the train but ever since those train derailments made the news she is terrified of trains. We try to get up to NJ as often as we can but she lives in a tiny senior's apartment with no room for 4 overnight guests. I keep telling her she can come down to see us anytime but she is dependent on her man friend to drive her. We'd love to see her more often but we've had to just make the most of the visits we do have. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Did you already offer to pay for her *and* the boyfriend? I guess they may need a hotel. It might be cheaper to go, but I understand you, OP.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this for a while. Finally I got fed up and asked her point-blank if she thought it was fair for me to travel with toddlers and her never to travel at all. Turns out she had a bathroom incontinence problem that she wasn't telling me about.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. I'm a grandma. It is hard to be around young kids. You sound like my daughter, fiercely independent. My daughter is intense to be around. I will never understand why, but she is very harsh toward me. In all honesty, my daughter makes me feel bad....she wants to control me. It's like I'm not a person.
OP: When you're in the throws of raising kids, it might be hard for you to understand that you are not the only one who has unfilled needs. A loving and caring relationship does not keep track.

[Anonymous]

I umm ... studied old people. Like, the psychology of why old people do and say the things they do and say. What i learned that pertains to your situation is that as people get older, they get flustered when they're out of their routine. That flustered feeling can show up in different ways - they might be less mannered (the case with my grandfather's girlfriend, who it turned out was a lovely hostess in her own home but a horrible guest in ours), they may be more clumsy and fall or drop things, they may get disoriented (getting lost, forgetting to take pills, making stupid mistakes) and overwhelmed easily, etc.

So it may be self-preservation on your mom's part to say she can't come to you. You look at her and say "You're barely old, and can take Advil if your knee hurts, so get over yourself and come visit," while she's worried she'll have the types of problems described above.

Can you and your daughters go visit once or twice a year? Or, can you send them to visit for a long weekend on their own by train?

[Anonymous]

If I were you, I would accept that she's elderly and that I love her, and I'd go see her.

But my own mom died when I was young, so I'm snappish and touchy about this kind of thing. I wish I had your problem.

[Anonymous]

she does have anxiety, as do I

Op, you make it too hard to help you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

she does have anxiety, as do I

Op, you make it too hard to help you

Cmon, 68 is pretty young these days. She could live another 30 years. I think it would be sad to spend all of that time not leaving her town, when she's retired and could travel anywhere. It would be better for her mom if she could treat the anxiety and enjoy her life and strengthen her relationships with her daughter and granddaughters. There is only so much time OP can take to visit her mom as a working parent.