Rant! Making plans with friends in "this town"

[Anonymous]

Part of it I think is also that since so many people in DC don't have deep ties to the area, it can feel very isolating if you're not proactive about your social life (as OP seems to be experiencing). People like having activities lined up so that they don't feel at loose ends. If a significant number of people are doing that, you'll find fewer people available for your last-minute outing.

It's hard to reach out to newer people because, how would you know? Sites like Meetup are great for at least putting some feelers out. You really do have to be almost as assertive about your social life as you would be about your professional life until your build your network of friends. There are some natural situations where friendships can develop like church or other community situations, but otherwise, people are working and/or studying (this really is a super Type A place), dating (almost as aggressively), or dealing with their families.

But that advice might not work for a couple with kids although again, there are groups that cater to that, but you still have to be prepared to seek them out and slowly build the relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in DC don't just sit around aimlessly and have lots of idle time. It's a town filled with Type A's who "make shit happen."

If you want to have friends that don't make plans and just drop by on a whim, move to San Diego or Florida or Denver. People are way more laid back and less driven.

Or more driven to have better lives.

Or freaking exhausted from working crazy hours and doing a killer commute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it about "this town" that makes it so hard to just get people together at the spur of the moment? It seems like every time I extend an invite for something "last minute" (ie not a month or more in advance) to friends, everyone always "has plans." The only way I can get friends together is by vetting dates weeks and weeks in advance, which is so annoying! I know people here like to feel important and like they are "so busy" all the time, but part of me just wonders if it's an act.

And why do I get the feeling that asking friends if they want to get together this weekend somehow makes me a loser, since I don't have anything scheduled yet? Am I the only person in the district that can admit I sometimes spend the weekend loafing around my apartment, watching Netflix, and sometimes feeling slightly sad while looking at Facebook when I see what other people are spending their weekends doing? I guess I just don't feel the need to keep up with the fake image that my life is perfect and I have something fun to do with friends at all times! Which I guess means I'm not a very good Washingtonian.

I seriously feel like this is unique to DC. I have lived in other cities and people just, you know, hang out! They even (gasp!!) invite friends who might not know each other to things, rather than keeping all their friend groups siloed except until the awkward birthday dinner where you all are expected to interact.

Seriously, why are people here so weird about this? It's infuriating!!!!!!

Do you have kids and work? If so, how are you not busy every weekend? Some of my childless friends seem to have nothing but time on the weekends, but the weekends often exhaust me, which then makes me refuse to make any plans the following weekend just to get a chance to breathe.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people in DC do not have kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you such a last minute planner? That is part of the problem right there, and this isn't a DC thing. How long have you lived here?

The upside to you "loafing" around, you are saving money. Sad to say, but it's true. Have you thought about taking a vacation by yourself? Maybe that will help.

The comments about FB being real life or not real life, that is interesting to me. I stay off of it because too many people are attention whores and I don't believe in hiding people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people insist on referring to a city with almost 700,000 residents as a "town?"

This town is a nickname for DC. The OP obviously knows this and you do not. It's also the title of a book about the city by Mark Liebovich. Anyone who has lived here a while should know this.

Except, you're wrong. "This town" refers to the tight community around national politics, not to the city at large.

+1! The only people I've ever met who refer to DC as "this town" are people who hate it here.

[Anonymous]

Here's a place where you can get last minute discount theatre tix:

http://culturecapital.tix.com/Schedule.aspx?OrgNum=2463&Disp=Act

Arena Stage:
http://www.arenastage.org/shows-tickets/single-tickets/savings-programs/

Of course, Kennedy Center has free performances every night at 6 p.m., no tix needed at Millenium Stage
http://www.kennedy-center.org/video/recentbroadcasts

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but how is asking people to do something during the weekend during the week make the OP a last minute planner? I guess if your calendar is booked up until February like one of the Previous posters then no time is ever to far out! Perhaps we should all start making our dinner plans for summer 2016.....you know, cause we are all so busy and booked up.

Personally, unless you have kids, I think being busy all the time and always having plans is a bit strange. Everyone needs down time and constantly feeling the need to be out and about can be a sign that you can't be alone with yourself. Or you don't care a lick about finances. Cause dinners, drinks, concerts, shows....they all cost money and that can really add up over time!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, I feel you. I live in Europe right now temporarily for my husband's job. I thought it would be a great chance to work on a personal project until we return, but not having an office to go to everyday just makes me more isolated. It's really lonely, and I try to limit my facebook consumption because I just feel like I'm missing out and all of my friends forgot about me back home.

I think some people are obsessed with appearances yes but I also think some people are busy (maybe from a longer-standing social network). Establishing new friendship patterns can be very challenging! It also sounds like you haven't found "your people" yet.

I think the best thing to do is to find a regularly scheduled group activity that you enjoy. It takes 6-8 encounters with a new person before it feels natural for both people, that's why the first several encounters have to be "forced" (i.e. meeting for a game or a class etc.).

Good luck, OP, I feel your pain.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if you have kids, but trust me it gets worse with kids. I got to the point for awhile I stopped planning play dates for the kids when they were under 5 because it felt like you had to take out a calendar, could agree 1 month from now from 2-4pm everyone could make it and then the day of, someone got sick or had family come into town last minute etc that messed up the plans. My kids are close in age so I figure they needed to be good friends with each other because that was the easiest social calendar to plan.

So if you are really looking for practical advice, I agree with a pp to find an activity you like and get your social fix on that standing schedule (I.e. Every Tuesday you play tennis and sometimes people that can stay longer grab a drink afterwards). Someone else mentioned a meetup group. I also think I sort of have this friendship profile of people that might be able to do last minute stuff. Either they don't have family in the area, or see their family some off time like Sunday nights, they don't have some hobby that takes up time where they already get a social fix like soccer, running group , tennis etc, they don't have their kids in a lot of activities, they typically have 2 kids (but sometimes with 3 kids and a big gap/teenager driving they can be flexible), they have to want to have a life outside of their kids, and they have to have a partner that can trade off time so each has social time with their friends, and they actually want to make new friends. I have one friend that makes plans roughly 2-7 days out and have to say that I do love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone here feel the need to make plans weeks and weeks in advance? Just wondering....

For November we are seeing a show with the kids at the Kennedy Center and then going to a concert with friends another weekend. Inbetween all that we are going to Williamsburg for the weekend. All of those events require planning, tickets, and in one case a hotel room. We are traveling to No Carolina for thanksgiving so every single weekend is booked.

For the weekends we are doing the Kennedy Center and concert I won't plan any other nights out. Unlike the OP, I really love staying home some nights watching movies and flipping through Facebook without getting depressed. I don't want to go out both Friday and Saturday. I'm most content kicking my family's ass in Rummy 500.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but how is asking people to do something during the weekend during the week make the OP a last minute planner? I guess if your calendar is booked up until February like one of the Previous posters then no time is ever to far out! Perhaps we should all start making our dinner plans for summer 2016.....you know, cause we are all so busy and booked up.

Personally, unless you have kids, I think being busy all the time and always having plans is a bit strange. Everyone needs down time and constantly feeling the need to be out and about can be a sign that you can't be alone with yourself. Or you don't care a lick about finances. Cause dinners, drinks, concerts, shows....they all cost money and that can really add up over time!

Well, this is afterall a patent focused website. I'm thinking the OP must not have kids. Yea, I'm busy and book weeks and months in advance. I have 3 kids all in sports. They can't yet drive, so that leave their parents. I also work. I'm a also on a budget. I have parents and siblings here whom I love and my kids love spending time with. I really don't much branch out from my 4 good friends because that is all I have the energy for.

[Anonymous]

When in my life did I get together with people at the spur of the moment?

1) in college

2) in Ohio

I think it comes down to where people live in close vicinity & life really is slower.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to grow a dick. Women seem to plan weeks in advance. Nothing is ever spur of the moment. Men can not seem to plan a golf outing more than a few days in advance.

At least that is my experience.

Be a man and your friends will make it up as they go and be spur of the moment. Be a women and live is planned and scheduled weeks in advance.

not that there is anything wrong with it, just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in DC don't just sit around aimlessly and have lots of idle time. It's a town filled with Type A's who "make shit happen."

If you want to have friends that don't make plans and just drop by on a whim, move to San Diego or Florida or Denver. People are way more laid back and less driven.

Denver is a big snooze and DC types would hate it.