To marry or not in the Catholic church?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage within the church offers graces to you as a married couple. I would encourage him to engage in the precana classes- what is there to lose?

So does marrying outside of the church.

Non-catholic here. What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the sentiment expressed that pre-cana is valuable, whether or not you are Catholic. Our pre-cana class was surprisingly practical, in that it allowed us to discuss finances/career/life goals, etc. in depth, in greater depth than we would have on our own. Money/financial issues apparently present the greatest conflicts/stress in marriages, so it's beneficial to discuss and also try to understand how your future spouse regards money, e.g., saver/spender? There was no discussion of natural family planning (our Church is part of the ADW). Regardless of what you decide, opt for some type of pre-cana type relationship/pre-marriage counseling.

Most people I've talked have similar experiences. (There isn't if any discussion of sex/family planning.)

OP, is your fiancé opposed b/c he does not want to talk to a priest, does not want to talk in front of other couples, or does not want to do any pre-marriage kind of counseling at all regardless of who does it? Just doesn't want to bother? Does he really not to be married within the church?

I think you need to talk with him and figure out what his motivation is.

OP here, thanks for all the insight. It sounds like if we are planning to raise our future kids in the Catholic church and want anything to do with the church we should be married in the church...

He is an introvert. He's a very intelligent and witty man when it's us, our friends, and our families, but it takes him a while to warm up to strangers. He definitely would not want to talk about our personal business with complete strangers so that right there is the #1 concern. His view about the church is that he wants our kids to know that there are other religions out there that exists and that catholic isn't the only one that is "right". He just wants our future children to be diversified in culture and tradition. I respect that a lot because we are an interracial couple (AA/Caucasian).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly wish premarital counseling was a requirement for a county marriage license. It's invaluable.

Separation of church and state, remember.

Premarital counseling doesn't mean religious, remember.

In the context of this discussion, it has been all about religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the sentiment expressed that pre-cana is valuable, whether or not you are Catholic. Our pre-cana class was surprisingly practical, in that it allowed us to discuss finances/career/life goals, etc. in depth, in greater depth than we would have on our own. Money/financial issues apparently present the greatest conflicts/stress in marriages, so it's beneficial to discuss and also try to understand how your future spouse regards money, e.g., saver/spender? There was no discussion of natural family planning (our Church is part of the ADW). Regardless of what you decide, opt for some type of pre-cana type relationship/pre-marriage counseling.

Most people I've talked have similar experiences. (There isn't if any discussion of sex/family planning.)

OP, is your fiancé opposed b/c he does not want to talk to a priest, does not want to talk in front of other couples, or does not want to do any pre-marriage kind of counseling at all regardless of who does it? Just doesn't want to bother? Does he really not to be married within the church?

I think you need to talk with him and figure out what his motivation is.

OP here, thanks for all the insight. It sounds like if we are planning to raise our future kids in the Catholic church and want anything to do with the church we should be married in the church...

He is an introvert. He's a very intelligent and witty man when it's us, our friends, and our families, but it takes him a while to warm up to strangers. He definitely would not want to talk about our personal business with complete strangers so that right there is the #1 concern. His view about the church is that he wants our kids to know that there are other religions out there that exists and that catholic isn't the only one that is "right". He just wants our future children to be diversified in culture and tradition. I respect that a lot because we are an interracial couple (AA/Caucasian).

Pre-cana counseling will not involve talking about your personal lives with other couples. They are there listening and learning with you, but all the personal discussion is between you and your fiancé.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage within the church offers graces to you as a married couple. I would encourage him to engage in the precana classes- what is there to lose?

So does marrying outside of the church.

Non-catholic here. What does this mean?

sort of like special privileges -- or easier going (less red tape) when you want to enroll your kids in first holy communion classes or catholic school. If you were married in the Catholic church, you're already "in" and don't have to continue to prove that you are a Catholic in good standing.

[Anonymous]

OP here, Thanks for the info. If other couples are there for listening and learning, when do the actual discussions about financial, spiritual, emotional support happen? Is it like homework after the sessions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, Thanks for the info. If other couples are there for listening and learning, when do the actual discussions about financial, spiritual, emotional support happen? Is it like homework after the sessions?

I'm a PP, and it probably depends whether you choose a weekend retreat or how your parish does it. For us, we did an Inventory, it might have been this one: http://www.foccusinc.com/foccus-inventory-sample-questions.aspx We each completed it separately and the priest was the one who scored them, so to speak, since we were doing individual counseling rather than a whole group set of classes. He guided us in discussions on questions where we were possibly not in line, and encouraged us to prayerfully talk about them with each other. It wasn't group sharing at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, Thanks for the info. If other couples are there for listening and learning, when do the actual discussions about financial, spiritual, emotional support happen? Is it like homework after the sessions?

I'm a PP, and it probably depends whether you choose a weekend retreat or how your parish does it. For us, we did an Inventory, it might have been this one: http://www.foccusinc.com/foccus-inventory-sample-questions.aspx We each completed it separately and the priest was the one who scored them, so to speak, since we were doing individual counseling rather than a whole group set of classes. He guided us in discussions on questions where we were possibly not in line, and encouraged us to prayerfully talk about them with each other. It wasn't group sharing at all.

OP here, holy cow 136 questions for the real deal...that's a lot of questions!

Those who have done it, do you recommend the weekend encounter retreat or the weeks of weekly meetings? Does the retreat weekend have any other caveats or strings attached where later you have to do additional counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, Thanks for the info. If other couples are there for listening and learning, when do the actual discussions about financial, spiritual, emotional support happen? Is it like homework after the sessions?

I'm a PP, and it probably depends whether you choose a weekend retreat or how your parish does it. For us, we did an Inventory, it might have been this one: http://www.foccusinc.com/foccus-inventory-sample-questions.aspx We each completed it separately and the priest was the one who scored them, so to speak, since we were doing individual counseling rather than a whole group set of classes. He guided us in discussions on questions where we were possibly not in line, and encouraged us to prayerfully talk about them with each other. It wasn't group sharing at all.

OP here, holy cow 136 questions for the real deal...that's a lot of questions!


Those who have done it, do you recommend the weekend encounter retreat or the weeks of weekly meetings? Does the retreat weekend have any other caveats or strings attached where later you have to do additional counseling?

Can't compare, but the week-end was good - intensive, an experience, and lots of time to discuss things with fiancé. He was not catholic, but enjoyed the retreat. We are both atheists now, unrelated to the retreat.

[Anonymous]

We had 3 elements.
1) a 6 week (1x a week) class on NFP. I liked it, dH brought a crossword puzzle and sat in the back.

2) a weekend retreat-I felt this was pointless

3) meeting with the priest that married us a few times. Gave him a chance to know us before the wedding which was nice. We went over our FOCCUS results and he talked about love and why marriage is a sacrament. DH (not Catholic) really liked these meetings and found them meaningful.

We had a wedding without communion since DH (and most guests) were not Catholic.

[Anonymous]

PP, was there ever an issue with communion not being part of the wedding rituals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, was there ever an issue with communion not being part of the wedding rituals?

I'm a different PP, the one who provided the link to the FOCUSS questions. We also did not have a Nuptial Mass, which is what you'd call a wedding with a full Mass including communion. Instead it was essentially the first half of the Mass, through the Gospel and then moved into the marriage vows. The priest who married us said this is very common and not at all a problem. They prefer it when one half of the couple isn't Catholic as the priest wants to "focus on the unity and not on the division. Seeing only one spouse take Communion brings light to that one element of the marriage". Worked for us.

Only issue was that all my Catholic cousins groaned about having to get up and go to Mass the next morning since they didn't receive communion at my wedding. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage within the church offers graces to you as a married couple. I would encourage him to engage in the precana classes- what is there to lose?

So does marrying outside of the church.

Non-catholic here. What does this mean?

It means Catholics teach it's a sacrament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biggest mistake I made was getting married outside of the Catholic Church. If you have any interest in attending the church after your wedding, receiving communion or baptizing your future children, do the Catholic wedding. I didn't really understand that when I got married.

Oh and to follow up, we were married in a protestant church, but we still did pre-cana like things. We LOVED our premarital counseling. We thought it was incredibly interesting and liked talking to the older couples. You do not have to go through RCIA to get married even though you weren't confirmed.

And secondly, NFP doesn't suck. We really enjoy it. We use NFP and pull out and it has worked for us for years. My body didn't like birth control and DH didn't like condoms, so it's the best choice for us. NFP is very similar to what you read in Taking Charge of your Fertility, which I see as female empowerment and knowing how your body works.

If your DH pulls out you are not really practicing NFP. In order to be "open to life" you are not supposed to use any form of contraception and that includes pulling out. NFP posits that if you only have sex during the infertile part of your cycle (and you figure out when that is by using NFP...charting your cycle, temps, physical symptoms) but use no method of contraception otherwise (including withdrawal) then you are still "open to life."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biggest mistake I made was getting married outside of the Catholic Church. If you have any interest in attending the church after your wedding, receiving communion or baptizing your future children, do the Catholic wedding. I didn't really understand that when I got married.

Oh and to follow up, we were married in a protestant church, but we still did pre-cana like things. We LOVED our premarital counseling. We thought it was incredibly interesting and liked talking to the older couples. You do not have to go through RCIA to get married even though you weren't confirmed.

And secondly, NFP doesn't suck. We really enjoy it. We use NFP and pull out and it has worked for us for years. My body didn't like birth control and DH didn't like condoms, so it's the best choice for us. NFP is very similar to what you read in Taking Charge of your Fertility, which I see as female empowerment and knowing how your body works.

If your DH pulls out you are not really practicing NFP. In order to be "open to life" you are not supposed to use any form of contraception and that includes pulling out. NFP posits that if you only have sex during the infertile part of your cycle (and you figure out when that is by using NFP...charting your cycle, temps, physical symptoms) but use no method of contraception otherwise (including withdrawal) then you are still "open to life."

Because it's the least likely method to prevent pregnancy. Sort of like being open while being closed, but not closing the door that tightly so you can still get credit for being open.