Sucking it up - for 18+ years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long term affair with another married person.

NO. Not this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, to reiterate, I'm not interested in divorce. I'm interested in hearing how people made it work while their children were growing up.

Get some time to yourself, at least a yoga and/or meditation class one night a week or swim classes perhaps. Have DH take the baby and take the class, then afterward go to a coffee shop for a time to read. That will give you a chance to rediscover your non-DH/non-mom self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long term affair with another married person.

NO. Not this.

+1! Tempting as that may sound (mostly to men), it could actually make OP feel torn/worse/hopeful of rescue by another man, instead of building OP's independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I'm the product of divorce and I will tell you that I would much rather have two very happy-yet-divorced parents than two miserable married parents. Having a one year old is an easy split off point. Committing to 18 years of unhappiness is not.

+1

Also, I don't get why parents spend years "staying together for the sake of the kid (s)" if they are still planning on divorcing as soon as the kid (s) are adults.Kids don't suddenly become immune to any & all feelings about their parents' divorcing the moment they reach adulthood.

Are you the product of divorce? I'm not saying it's easier to have your parents divorce when you're 18 or 20 than it is when you're 3 or 5, but having two "home bases" growing up, dealing with stepfamilies, holidays, etc - it's pretty tough. At least when you grow up in an intact - if not perfect - household you don't have to deal with those things.

I am the child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 6. My best friend's parents divorced when she was 22. Every situation is different but I honestly don't think her parents' divorce was much easier on her overall just because she was older. In some ways , such as the ones you mentioned above, yes, it was easier because she was grown & out of the house. In other ways, however, it was probably harder.

Her mother constantly badmouthed her dad to her, something that, knowing her mom, I doubt she would have done , at least not to that extent, had my friend been younger. Her cousins' parents ( her mom's sister & her husband) had gotten divorced when they were young & my friend's grandparents & aunts & uncles had always been very careful about not speaking negatively about her cousin's mother in front of them because they knew that was inappropriate & hurtful. Yet they had no qualms about saying horrible things about her dad to her because she was an adult.

Being an adult also meant that my friend had no custody agreement to decide which parent she would spend the first holidays after the divorce, when emotions were heightened, with & instead had to try to tiptoe around both parents' feelings while deciding on her own. It meant that during the highly transitional post-college year of her life, she was also trying to deal with a new family situation without the help of built-in support system that is often available to kids. My first grade teacher knew my parents were getting divorced & cut me some extra slack for a while because of this. I'm guessing my friend's boss didn't make the same kind of allowances when her parents got divorced! I'm also guessing there wasn't a psychologist at her work who ran a special biweekly lunch group for employees with divorced parents.

I'm not saying growing up with divorced parents isn't difficult or that adults aren't in many way better equipped to handle their parents divorcing. It is & , generally speaking, they are. I do think, however, that many people underestimate the impact divorce has on adult children. In addition to my best friend, I know 3 other people whose parents divorced when they were in their 20s & they were all surprised by how much it ended up effecting them despite being grown & out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is very young. The first few years after birth are always the hardest on marriages. It might get a lot better by the time the kids is 4 or 5 and able to mostly take care of itself, sleeping regularly, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I'm the product of divorce and I will tell you that I would much rather have two very happy-yet-divorced parents than two miserable married parents. Having a one year old is an easy split off point. Committing to 18 years of unhappiness is not.

+1

Also, I don't get why parents spend years "staying together for the sake of the kid (s)" if they are still planning on divorcing as soon as the kid (s) are adults.Kids don't suddenly become immune to any & all feelings about their parents' divorcing the moment they reach adulthood.

Are you the product of divorce? I'm not saying it's easier to have your parents divorce when you're 18 or 20 than it is when you're 3 or 5, but having two "home bases" growing up, dealing with stepfamilies, holidays, etc - it's pretty tough. At least when you grow up in an intact - if not perfect - household you don't have to deal with those things.

I am the child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 6. My best friend's parents divorced when she was 22. Every situation is different but I honestly don't think her parents' divorce was much easier on her overall just because she was older. In some ways , such as the ones you mentioned above, yes, it was easier because she was grown & out of the house. In other ways, however, it was probably harder.

Her mother constantly badmouthed her dad to her, something that, knowing her mom, I doubt she would have done , at least not to that extent, had my friend been younger. Her cousins' parents ( her mom's sister & her husband) had gotten divorced when they were young & my friend's grandparents & aunts & uncles had always been very careful about not speaking negatively about her cousin's mother in front of them because they knew that was inappropriate & hurtful. Yet they had no qualms about saying horrible things about her dad to her because she was an adult.

Being an adult also meant that my friend had no custody agreement to decide which parent she would spend the first holidays after the divorce, when emotions were heightened, with & instead had to try to tiptoe around both parents' feelings while deciding on her own. It meant that during the highly transitional post-college year of her life, she was also trying to deal with a new family situation without the help of built-in support system that is often available to kids. My first grade teacher knew my parents were getting divorced & cut me some extra slack for a while because of this. I'm guessing my friend's boss didn't make the same kind of allowances when her parents got divorced! I'm also guessing there wasn't a psychologist at her work who ran a special biweekly lunch group for employees with divorced parents.

I'm not saying growing up with divorced parents isn't difficult or that adults aren't in many way better equipped to handle their parents divorcing. It is & , generally speaking, they are. I do think, however, that many people underestimate the impact divorce has on adult children. In addition to my best friend, I know 3 other people whose parents divorced when they were in their 20s & they were all surprised by how much it ended up effecting them despite being grown & out of the house.

THIS. My parents divorced when I was 25. I was living in NYC, working my first "real" professional job. My mom called me on the phone during the work day and told me her and Dad were divorcing. It was like a shot to the gut.
It was very difficult for me to process it all. There's no real self-help books on how to manage your parents divorce when you an adult. Utterly bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is cool.

It tells our children to view loved ones as disposable in the event of bumps in the road of life and well, I guess if we can dump our spouse for not much reason at all, that sends the message right there, doesn't it?

[Anonymous]

You just went through what will undoubtedly be one of the hardest years in your marriage. Your baby is ONE. That year is tough on many, many couples. Give it some time. By age 3 you might find you're happy in your marriage again, not just "sucking it up."

Phases, honey, phases. Take a long view. It sucks today. It really, truly, honestly might not suck at all in 6 months. And in another 4 years it'll be another shitty phase. And so on and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just went through what will undoubtedly be one of the hardest years in your marriage. Your baby is ONE. That year is tough on many, many couples. Give it some time. By age 3 you might find you're happy in your marriage again, not just "sucking it up."

Phases, honey, phases. Take a long view. It sucks today. It really, truly, honestly might not suck at all in 6 months. And in another 4 years it'll be another shitty phase. And so on and so on.

Thank you for this perspective. I hope you're right!

[Anonymous]

I try to think of my husband as a blood relative. One puts up a lot from blood relatives. Only in the most extreme cases do we "break up" with them.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of thinking of your DH as your family. It is about love and family.

There has not ever been a divorce on my side of the family. I know how couples stay married and keep their vows. I have not ever seen any other way.

[Anonymous]

OP, the first two years of my son's existence were utter hell on my marriage and I was googling apartments. But it did turn around. My husband don't have much in common with respect to interests, but we do have similar values, similar approaches to raising kids. Do you have anything in common with your husband like that? Is he an ethical honest man? Do you have parenting goals in common? Same religion or lack of it? Same view on education? Do you handle money OK between you?

If there are enough similarities, I say stick it out for awhile. And I agree 100% with focusing on what you do appreciate about your husband. That helps more than you know. Not saying it's easy or perfect, but it's doable. And you could emerge on the other side like I did. My family life isn't perfect, but I do love it.