Sucking it up - for 18+ years?

[Anonymous]

I'll begin by saying I'm the product of divorce and always promised myself I would never subject my children to that experience. Sadly, after a couple of years of marriage - and now with a beautiful one-year-old - I am really unhappily married. There's no abuse, but my DH and I are dramatically different people.

If you stayed for the sake of your children, how did you do it? Did you eventually leave?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried counseling?

[Anonymous]

Also, I'm the product of divorce and I will tell you that I would much rather have two very happy-yet-divorced parents than two miserable married parents. Having a one year old is an easy split off point. Committing to 18 years of unhappiness is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling?

Counseling, the Four Love Languages, that John Gottman book, online articles, etc. For my part I've stopped drinking, started exercising, making sure I get more sleep - thought it might be an exhaustion or mental health issue. No. We just don't get along that well.

[Anonymous]

Why Give children an example of an unhappy marriage if you can give them an example of responsible adults trying to make it work in a bad circumstances and maybe even find new healthy marriages in the process.

[Anonymous]

So, to reiterate, I'm not interested in divorce. I'm interested in hearing how people made it work while their children were growing up.

[Anonymous]

I didn't stay "for the sake of" the children, I stayed because I, for my own well-being, didn't want to deal with joint custody, potential step-parents, financial problems, etc. I guess my marriage just wasn't so bad that the grass looked greener, bottom line. Of course, we had three kids in elementary school. With just one baby, it might have been a different call. Anyway, as the kids got older and we made some progress in counseling, things got better and we're happy-enough now. The grass is still not greener, so here I am! I don't think our "meh" marriage has negatively affected the kids, at least no worse than divorce would have. My own parents are divorced and I know how even a very amicable divorce can impose serious long-term burdens on the children and grandchildren, so I think I'm pretty well-positioned to make the right call.

OP, what have you done to help your marriage? A new baby is a very stressful time and it's not unusual to feel the strain on the relationship. I would encourage you to work on the marriage for at least a little longer. When you are both getting enough sleep, it gets a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling?

Counseling, the Four Love Languages, that John Gottman book, online articles, etc. For my part I've stopped drinking, started exercising, making sure I get more sleep - thought it might be an exhaustion or mental health issue. No. We just don't get along that well.

How long have you been married? If you've done those things and you can accept that you're not compatible then maybe more counseling? If you have been to counseling and know in your heart that neither of you will change and that you do not want to settle then maybe approach the subject with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I'm the product of divorce and I will tell you that I would much rather have two very happy-yet-divorced parents than two miserable married parents. Having a one year old is an easy split off point. Committing to 18 years of unhappiness is not.

+1

Also, I don't get why parents spend years "staying together for the sake of the kid (s)" if they are still planning on divorcing as soon as the kid (s) are adults.Kids don't suddenly become immune to any & all feelings about their parents' divorcing the moment they reach adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't stay "for the sake of" the children, I stayed because I, for my own well-being, didn't want to deal with joint custody, potential step-parents, financial problems, etc. I guess my marriage just wasn't so bad that the grass looked greener, bottom line. Of course, we had three kids in elementary school. With just one baby, it might have been a different call. Anyway, as the kids got older and we made some progress in counseling, things got better and we're happy-enough now. The grass is still not greener, so here I am! I don't think our "meh" marriage has negatively affected the kids, at least no worse than divorce would have. My own parents are divorced and I know how even a very amicable divorce can impose serious long-term burdens on the children and grandchildren, so I think I'm pretty well-positioned to make the right call.

OP, what have you done to help your marriage? A new baby is a very stressful time and it's not unusual to feel the strain on the relationship. I would encourage you to work on the marriage for at least a little longer. When you are both getting enough sleep, it gets a lot easier.

Thank you for this - I'm glad to see you get where I'm coming from. I've worked on myself, mainly, but it's hard not to focus on things my DH could do that I think would benefit our relationship immensely. But I don't want to languish there. I don't want to be regretful, or resentful, or live in the past or in the world of what-ifs. I want to take this situation and make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't stay "for the sake of" the children, I stayed because I, for my own well-being, didn't want to deal with joint custody, potential step-parents, financial problems, etc. I guess my marriage just wasn't so bad that the grass looked greener, bottom line. Of course, we had three kids in elementary school. With just one baby, it might have been a different call. Anyway, as the kids got older and we made some progress in counseling, things got better and we're happy-enough now. The grass is still not greener, so here I am! I don't think our "meh" marriage has negatively affected the kids, at least no worse than divorce would have. My own parents are divorced and I know how even a very amicable divorce can impose serious long-term burdens on the children and grandchildren, so I think I'm pretty well-positioned to make the right call.

OP, what have you done to help your marriage? A new baby is a very stressful time and it's not unusual to feel the strain on the relationship. I would encourage you to work on the marriage for at least a little longer. When you are both getting enough sleep, it gets a lot easier.

That is 100% staying for the sake of the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll begin by saying I'm the product of divorce and always promised myself I would never subject my children to that experience. Sadly, after a couple of years of marriage - and now with a beautiful one-year-old - I am really unhappily married. There's no abuse, but my DH and I are dramatically different people.

If you stayed for the sake of your children, how did you do it? Did you eventually leave?

Did I write this? I am in the EXACT same position. Honestly, I am working hard on my marriage with DH and will not leave as long as there is no abuse. I owe it to my child not to break the family solely for my own happiness. To me, having children means you put their happiness first always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I'm the product of divorce and I will tell you that I would much rather have two very happy-yet-divorced parents than two miserable married parents. Having a one year old is an easy split off point. Committing to 18 years of unhappiness is not.

+1

Also, I don't get why parents spend years "staying together for the sake of the kid (s)" if they are still planning on divorcing as soon as the kid (s) are adults.Kids don't suddenly become immune to any & all feelings about their parents' divorcing the moment they reach adulthood.

Are you the product of divorce? I'm not saying it's easier to have your parents divorce when you're 18 or 20 than it is when you're 3 or 5, but having two "home bases" growing up, dealing with stepfamilies, holidays, etc - it's pretty tough. At least when you grow up in an intact - if not perfect - household you don't have to deal with those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't stay "for the sake of" the children, I stayed because I, for my own well-being, didn't want to deal with joint custody, potential step-parents, financial problems, etc. I guess my marriage just wasn't so bad that the grass looked greener, bottom line. Of course, we had three kids in elementary school. With just one baby, it might have been a different call. Anyway, as the kids got older and we made some progress in counseling, things got better and we're happy-enough now. The grass is still not greener, so here I am! I don't think our "meh" marriage has negatively affected the kids, at least no worse than divorce would have. My own parents are divorced and I know how even a very amicable divorce can impose serious long-term burdens on the children and grandchildren, so I think I'm pretty well-positioned to make the right call.

OP, what have you done to help your marriage? A new baby is a very stressful time and it's not unusual to feel the strain on the relationship. I would encourage you to work on the marriage for at least a little longer. When you are both getting enough sleep, it gets a lot easier.

That is 100% staying for the sake of the children.

No it isn't. Staying BECAUSE of the children is different from staying FOR the children. Of course I considered the children's best interests. But the truth is, the co-parenting lifestyle was very unappealing to me, for myself. With three young kids, I would still be having a ton of interaction with my ex and whomever he married, it would be very hard to date, finances would be strained, and I wouldn't really get the "weekends off" that people seem to think every divorced parent gets. And this would go on for 15 years. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling?

Counseling, the Four Love Languages, that John Gottman book, online articles, etc. For my part I've stopped drinking, started exercising, making sure I get more sleep - thought it might be an exhaustion or mental health issue. No. We just don't get along that well.

How long have you been married? If you've done those things and you can accept that you're not compatible then maybe more counseling? If you have been to counseling and know in your heart that neither of you will change and that you do not want to settle then maybe approach the subject with your spouse?

We've been married three years. Things between us changed a lot - for the worse - with the pregnancy and baby. I feel the situation has really accentuated our differences.