Sucking it up - for 18+ years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, to reiterate, I'm not interested in divorce. I'm interested in hearing how people made it work while their children were growing up.

PP in the same position here. You have to temper your expectations. You know how you bite your tongue when your annoying coworker starts talking? You know how you take a deep breath and explain something diplomatically to your idiot team member at work so you can keep working together on the project and do a good job? Yes. Do that at home. You are long term coworkers and the joint project you need to bring to fruition is your child. Aim to be a professional: friendly, courteous, showing lots of restraint. Once you do this, the fights will end even if DH does not change at all. The calmer environment will make other things easier and you might find that he makes an effort too and warmth returns to your relationship. At the very least, you will not be living in hostility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I'm the product of divorce and I will tell you that I would much rather have two very happy-yet-divorced parents than two miserable married parents. Having a one year old is an easy split off point. Committing to 18 years of unhappiness is not.

+1

Also, I don't get why parents spend years "staying together for the sake of the kid (s)" if they are still planning on divorcing as soon as the kid (s) are adults.Kids don't suddenly become immune to any & all feelings about their parents' divorcing the moment they reach adulthood.

Are you the product of divorce? I'm not saying it's easier to have your parents divorce when you're 18 or 20 than it is when you're 3 or 5, but having two "home bases" growing up, dealing with stepfamilies, holidays, etc - it's pretty tough. At least when you grow up in an intact - if not perfect - household you don't have to deal with those things.

+1. It reduces the total number of years the kids have to deal with your divorce. They will be adult children of divorce either way. The question is what you want their childhood to be like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll begin by saying I'm the product of divorce and always promised myself I would never subject my children to that experience. Sadly, after a couple of years of marriage - and now with a beautiful one-year-old - I am really unhappily married. There's no abuse, but my DH and I are dramatically different people.

If you stayed for the sake of your children, how did you do it? Did you eventually leave?

Did I write this? I am in the EXACT same position. Honestly, I am working hard on my marriage with DH and will not leave as long as there is no abuse. I owe it to my child not to break the family solely for my own happiness. To me, having children means you put their happiness first always.

OP here, and I agree. I know we would "make it work" but I just have no interest in doing that to our baby. Sorry you're doing through this, too. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I'm the product of divorce and I will tell you that I would much rather have two very happy-yet-divorced parents than two miserable married parents. Having a one year old is an easy split off point. Committing to 18 years of unhappiness is not.

+1

Also, I don't get why parents spend years "staying together for the sake of the kid (s)" if they are still planning on divorcing as soon as the kid (s) are adults.Kids don't suddenly become immune to any & all feelings about their parents' divorcing the moment they reach adulthood.

Are you the product of divorce? I'm not saying it's easier to have your parents divorce when you're 18 or 20 than it is when you're 3 or 5, but having two "home bases" growing up, dealing with stepfamilies, holidays, etc - it's pretty tough. At least when you grow up in an intact - if not perfect - household you don't have to deal with those things.

I am not the above poster, but I am the product of divorce.

When you divorce and a child is a toddler or young, it is all they know. It's how they grow up. It is WAY worse on an older child who grew up with mom and dad. Younger children adapt much better to new situations. I think you may want to talk to a professional or do some research. Older kids act out and will be resentful. Toddlers, especially a one year old as the OP has most likely wont remember anything other than having mom's house and dad's house as their norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, to reiterate, I'm not interested in divorce. I'm interested in hearing how people made it work while their children were growing up.

PP in the same position here. You have to temper your expectations. You know how you bite your tongue when your annoying coworker starts talking? You know how you take a deep breath and explain something diplomatically to your idiot team member at work so you can keep working together on the project and do a good job? Yes. Do that at home. You are long term coworkers and the joint project you need to bring to fruition is your child. Aim to be a professional: friendly, courteous, showing lots of restraint. Once you do this, the fights will end even if DH does not change at all. The calmer environment will make other things easier and you might find that he makes an effort too and warmth returns to your relationship. At the very least, you will not be living in hostility.

Thank you. Great advice.

[Anonymous]

You suck it up for life not just 18 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I'm the product of divorce and I will tell you that I would much rather have two very happy-yet-divorced parents than two miserable married parents. Having a one year old is an easy split off point. Committing to 18 years of unhappiness is not.

+1

Also, I don't get why parents spend years "staying together for the sake of the kid (s)" if they are still planning on divorcing as soon as the kid (s) are adults.Kids don't suddenly become immune to any & all feelings about their parents' divorcing the moment they reach adulthood.

Are you the product of divorce? I'm not saying it's easier to have your parents divorce when you're 18 or 20 than it is when you're 3 or 5, but having two "home bases" growing up, dealing with stepfamilies, holidays, etc - it's pretty tough. At least when you grow up in an intact - if not perfect - household you don't have to deal with those things.

I am not the above poster, but I am the product of divorce.

When you divorce and a child is a toddler or young, it is all they know. It's how they grow up. It is WAY worse on an older child who grew up with mom and dad. Younger children adapt much better to new situations. I think you may want to talk to a professional or do some research. Older kids act out and will be resentful. Toddlers, especially a one year old as the OP has most likely wont remember anything other than having mom's house and dad's house as their norm.

OP here. That may be their norm, but I still don't think that makes it any easier. (I was a toddler when my parents divorced and it sucked, even though I don't remember my parents being married.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll begin by saying I'm the product of divorce and always promised myself I would never subject my children to that experience. Sadly, after a couple of years of marriage - and now with a beautiful one-year-old - I am really unhappily married. There's no abuse, but my DH and I are dramatically different people.

If you stayed for the sake of your children, how did you do it? Did you eventually leave?

Did I write this? I am in the EXACT same position. Honestly, I am working hard on my marriage with DH and will not leave as long as there is no abuse. I owe it to my child not to break the family solely for my own happiness. To me, having children means you put their happiness first always.

OP here, and I agree. I know we would "make it work" but I just have no interest in doing that to our baby. Sorry you're doing through this, too. Hugs.

Big hugs to you too. I shared above how it is that I am making things work (by treating him as I would a coworker in my corporate workplace). I have spent years working with people for whom my feelings range from mild fondness to outright contempt. I school my features, hide my feelings, and treat them all well. The result is that I am liked and respected and get things done. At some point, I realized that if I could do it at work for a check, I could do it at home for the sake of the most important person in my life: my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You suck it up for life not just 18 years

Great. Do you have any specific advice?

[Anonymous]

OP I was you 2 years ago, and I am now regretting I didn't call it quits then. Things have only gotten worse, and now the child is old enough to be hurt by the split that will probably happen in a few years. Don't be naive and think that your determination alone will save the day.

If it's just that you are bored and disconnected or unattracted, maybe you can make it work. But if you feel like your spouse is actively letting you down, cruel, or unfair to you - well, that is going to take a severe toll. At a certain point you may find that preserving your own sanity and happiness by splitting up actually is they more responsible thing to do as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll begin by saying I'm the product of divorce and always promised myself I would never subject my children to that experience. Sadly, after a couple of years of marriage - and now with a beautiful one-year-old - I am really unhappily married. There's no abuse, but my DH and I are dramatically different people.

If you stayed for the sake of your children, how did you do it? Did you eventually leave?

Did I write this? I am in the EXACT same position. Honestly, I am working hard on my marriage with DH and will not leave as long as there is no abuse. I owe it to my child not to break the family solely for my own happiness. To me, having children means you put their happiness first always.

OP here, and I agree. I know we would "make it work" but I just have no interest in doing that to our baby. Sorry you're doing through this, too. Hugs.

Big hugs to you too. I shared above how it is that I am making things work (by treating him as I would a coworker in my corporate workplace). I have spent years working with people for whom my feelings range from mild fondness to outright contempt. I school my features, hide my feelings, and treat them all well. The result is that I am liked and respected and get things done. At some point, I realized that if I could do it at work for a check, I could do it at home for the sake of the most important person in my life: my child.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is your DH on board with the suck-it-up plan? Are your feelings mutual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH on board with the suck-it-up plan? Are your feelings mutual?

He really loves me. He says he does, anyway, and talks about how much I've helped him grow/ expanded his worldview etc. He wouldn't divorce me - I would have to initiate. He is very critical, though, and impatient and frankly immature. He gets on my nerves, but it's not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Long term affair with another married person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH on board with the suck-it-up plan? Are your feelings mutual?

He really loves me. He says he does, anyway, and talks about how much I've helped him grow/ expanded his worldview etc. He wouldn't divorce me - I would have to initiate. He is very critical, though, and impatient and frankly immature. He gets on my nerves, but it's not the end of the world.

But you don't respect him. And respect is even more important than love. I grew up in a home with 2 parents who didn't respect each other. Messed me up when it came to romantic relationships and took decades of therapy and self-help books to fix the damage. I kept dating guys who didn't respect me and I didn't respect them (but I LUUUUUUV'd them). But the guys who respected me, they made my skin crawl.

If you stay, you have to figure out how to respect him. You can't just fake it. Your child will be able to tell. So spend your energy focusing on the positive. The negative about him will never change. It's not worth your time to make note of it; let it roll off your back. You need to find ways to appreciate him and let him know. That's how you get through it. Ignore the bad, focus on the good.