"Work wife" - is it really this common?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP, IME the "work spouse" phenomenon is for two people who work closely together as equals and are also platonic friends outside of work. It is just a way to say you are colleagues and also friends. It is NOT for people at different levels--does she work for him? can't tell, but if so, I'd consider his using this phrase sexual harassment. Agree with PPs that this is not as normal as he wants you to think.

ITA. Collegaues on equal footing within a professional relationship is one thing. This is crossing a line, even if nothing is happening it has the appearance of improper professional conduct.

ITA too. All of my work husbands over the years have been peers. Because we work so closely together, our rhythms in the office and in travel often gel. Nothing inappropriate between me and any of them. We definitely go out for drinks, etc. with groups. I don't "serve" them in any way. Sometimes we help each other out - like all good colleagues do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not normal. I have joked in the past that my best male friend at work is my "work husband", but we never socialized out of work and we each had met each other's spouses - in fact, all 4 of us are friends on FB. And he certainly never has delegated tasks to me or me to him. We are just teammates on a long term project, share offices, and talk a lot during the day. But it's all equal and out in the open and conspicuous.

I'd be most concerned that, to him, "wife" seems to mean subordinate and servant.

+1

work wife/husband = normal

delegating to wife and work wife = not normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh, yep. It's true. I've been a work spouse. Trust me, no hanky panky involved -- couldn't have paid me. But we are very good friends and we know each other very well. Our spouses even joke about us being work spouses, so yeah, nothing strange going on.

But did you have drinks (alcoholic) outside the office, alone with the work spouse? This is where I feel like he is making very poor decisions. He also didn't tell me about it until someone else he works with mentioned it in front of me. I have no clue how many times this happened. I also don't feel like I can blame the "work wife".. because he is her boss, so she probably feels obligated when asked to join him. this all doesn't sit well

My work spouse was a peer -- no reporting to each other and we certainly didn't do tasks for each other. We would eat lunch together -- no cocktails. No cocktails after work, why would we want to? We both wanted to get home.

[Anonymous]

Going out together unaccompanied -- Starbucks, after work -- inappropriate. Office tasks OK.

[Anonymous]

This not common. I am a mid level manager with a staff of 4, I do my own copying, printing, scanning, I delegate such tasks only if I am in a time crunch and that too to the female member of my staff (just because she is good at it). It is not normal for a mid level manager to be constantly getting help with such tasks, where I work only our CFO gets an administrative assistant who takes care of these tasks. Every body else from mangers to directors manage their own printing/scanning/copying. I do have to point out that some women like to take "care " of men in the workplace by offering this sort of help but the fact that she is a subordinate and 15yrs younger creates a completely different dynamic. And, no cocktails after work are a no, unless of course the entire office is going or his/her spouse is present.

It's time for a come to Jesus talk.

[Anonymous]

this is wrong on so many levels and you know it OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh, yep. It's true. I've been a work spouse. Trust me, no hanky panky involved -- couldn't have paid me. But we are very good friends and we know each other very well. Our spouses even joke about us being work spouses, so yeah, nothing strange going on.

But did you have drinks (alcoholic) outside the office, alone with the work spouse? This is where I feel like he is making very poor decisions. He also didn't tell me about it until someone else he works with mentioned it in front of me. I have no clue how many times this happened. I also don't feel like I can blame the "work wife".. because he is her boss, so she probably feels obligated when asked to join him. this all doesn't sit well

this is exactly why sexual harassment law exists. that other person was probably trying to do you/your dh a favor. what is wrong with your husband that he does not get why this is a potential problem??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is wrong on so many levels and you know it OP

Of course OP knows it. that's why she posted. it's her husband who is the problem here. Why so punishing of her?

[Anonymous]

ummm I'm not punishing her....? did you see me take away her allowance or car?

I'm validating her implied feelings that it feels weird and uncomfortable.

but I wouldn't conclude that to mean the problem lies solely with her husband. perhaps they have communication issue... clearly they have issues with boundaries and the fact they are so far apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a publicly addressed "work wife". She does everything for him, to the point he doesn't know how to use a scanner. He's not that "high up" in his workplace.. I think he just likes to delegate and feels important doing so. I've learned they have shared cocktails together after work, have gone to lunch alone together, starbucks, etc etc. I addressed my husband and informed him that I'm uncomfortable and feel the boundaries have become gray. He responded that this is very normal behavior for a manager and his "work wife".

Is this normal? FWIW - she is about 15 yrs younger and single. good looking. so yeah, there is obviously a bit of natural jealousy on my part.

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like you feel really helpless in this situation.
It also sounds like you feel dismissed by your husband for expressing your concerns.

I think you can see now from the responses that this behavior is not good.

How do you plan on handling it? In the past, have you had success getting your husband to see your point of view? Or does he dismiss you often?

[Anonymous]

sorry OP your best case your husband is having an emotional affair, worst case a full blown affair

[Anonymous]

I would say that your intuition is your best guide. If you feel like this is bad news, then it is worth continuing the conversation with your husband. Mine has openly referred to one of his co-workers as a work spouse, when I asked him if he had one, but I don't have any qualms about it. And she's single! I know they've grabbed lunch together, but not in a "datelike" sense. People always catch each other on lunch breaks where he works, sometimes it happens to be one person or another. Point is, I'm not threatened at all. I know where the office is and stop in with our daughter pretty frequently, and just haven't gotten any bad vibes whatsoever. They just happened to have worked together for about the same amount of time and feel comfortable confiding in one another. If my intuition told me differently, however, you bet I'd be having some words with him.

[Anonymous]

^^ I agree with the PP on intuition. My ex had a close relationship with a female coworker (subordinate) and we all worked at the same company. I knew they were close because he'd tell me things. Then it started to irk me and I went down the "HR violation" path to see if making it about work versus "you're jealous I have a female friend" would swag his behavior. They ended up having an affair and we ended up divorcing. I sensed it and then thought I was crazy for thinking it. Your gut is telling you something isn't sitting well. Figure out what it is and have him take it seriously.

I have always had close male friends at work and the thought of anything more never crossed my mind at all. I have a male BFF at work now and people would call him my work husband. I shot that title down right away as his actual wife works at the same company and I would hate for her to even hear that. We do go to lunch solo all the time but never after work alone, only groups. There are boundaries I am well aware of. Your H's work "wife" is young and may just be playing the game to her advantage. There are three sides to every story. My ex loved the female attention. Sounds like yours does too. Examine your marriage and see if something larger is lacking.