"Work wife" - is it really this common?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the good thing is that your husband is still telling you about it. The bad news is he's sliding down a slippery slope, and he's very close to the danger zone. He's already crossing the line of propriety by going out alone with her. It would be a good time to ask him about what he knows sexual harassment in the workplace. He could probably use a wake up call about what he is risking and should know about appropriate boundaries for a supervisor with a subordinate.

I actually think it's not a good thing he's telling you about it. Cheaters do that to legitimize the relationship in his/her own mind.

I think having someone you would consider a work spouse is inappropriate. I say this as someone who had a 1.5 year affair with a coworker.

[Anonymous]

My ex's work wife then moved on to work lover and is likely to become the wife wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a coworker dealing with such relationships, I have to say that these patterns are weird and frequently uncomfortable for the entire office. It's different when the entire office goes out for lunch on Friday or out for after work cocktails and commiseration. It's not even a group of three or four or five for lunch, is it? It's not even a BFF thing where she and her BF would come to your house for a movie night. It's just the two of them and their coworkers know it. It's weird and it's perceived as weird.

You need to tell your DH that so that DH has to let the "work wife" thing go back to a normal professional distance. His coworkers are as uncomfortable with it as you are. These situations often end poorly.

Interesting.. this is one of my biggest fears - there is no way the rest of the office is not aware of this relationship. He just has no idea the boundaries he's crossing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP, IME the "work spouse" phenomenon is for two people who work closely together as equals and are also platonic friends outside of work. It is just a way to say you are colleagues and also friends. It is NOT for people at different levels--does she work for him? can't tell, but if so, I'd consider his using this phrase sexual harassment. Agree with PPs that this is not as normal as he wants you to think.

ITA. Collegaues on equal footing within a professional relationship is one thing. This is crossing a line, even if nothing is happening it has the appearance of improper professional conduct.

[Anonymous]

That's not a work wife. A work wife doesn't wait on a man hand & foot anymore than a real wife waits on her husband.

I think the term just means that you all have a camaraderie and keep each other company while navigating the ins & outs of office nonsense. It's not more than that - or, it shouldn't be.

[Anonymous]

For the last two years, I've had a work husband. Zero sexual chemistry thankfully. I'm in a profession where intense partnerships are common and team work is required. We have good synergy and I'd be sad if he left.

He wants to hang out after work more than I ever would want to, but he's younger and doesn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP, IME the "work spouse" phenomenon is for two people who work closely together as equals and are also platonic friends outside of work. It is just a way to say you are colleagues and also friends. It is NOT for people at different levels--does she work for him? can't tell, but if so, I'd consider his using this phrase sexual harassment. Agree with PPs that this is not as normal as he wants you to think.

She works for him, as a subordinate. Which is why I freaked out and told him he is crossing boundaries in the danger zone. He claimed he won't have drinks with her outside the office anymore, but I do not believe him. I also don't believe his judgement as it relates to the situation and it seriously scares the hell out of me.

[Anonymous]

I had what everyone called a work husband. He didn't do stuff for me (we would occasionally pick up lunch for the other but that stuff was equal). We worked on the same team, traveled a lot together, had the same schedule. Bounced ideas off of each other in and out of work. It was an equal partnership and was part friendship part colleague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not normal. I have joked in the past that my best male friend at work is my "work husband", but we never socialized out of work and we each had met each other's spouses - in fact, all 4 of us are friends on FB. And he certainly never has delegated tasks to me or me to him. We are just teammates on a long term project, share offices, and talk a lot during the day. But it's all equal and out in the open and conspicuous.

I'd be most concerned that, to him, "wife" seems to mean subordinate and servant.

Seriously. Having a work wife/husband is NBD. I have had a "work husband" before - we had a coffee routine and were confidantes about work related things. His wife was also one of my best friends; we hung out as couples all the time. I surely was not going to fetch coffee for him or perform any menial tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP, IME the "work spouse" phenomenon is for two people who work closely together as equals and are also platonic friends outside of work. It is just a way to say you are colleagues and also friends. It is NOT for people at different levels--does she work for him? can't tell, but if so, I'd consider his using this phrase sexual harassment. Agree with PPs that this is not as normal as he wants you to think.

She works for him, as a subordinate. Which is why I freaked out and told him he is crossing boundaries in the danger zone. He claimed he won't have drinks with her outside the office anymore, but I do not believe him. I also don't believe his judgement as it relates to the situation and it seriously scares the hell out of me.

I hear you OP. Sounds like you see this pretty clearly even if they don't. If he's so convinced it's OK he should run it by HR.

Why don't you believe him? Do you think he wants an affair?

Maybe you can convince her to cut it out? as stupid as this is for him it can't be helping her either.

[Anonymous]

I agree with NBD -- except it can cause rumors that can escalate into HR situations and compromise professional status.

I had a "work husband" for years, we worked very closely together and were great friends. But that's it - just friends, just spoke about work with the occasional "how's little Timmy doing in preschool?" Dialogue. I'm actually really good friends with his real wife. She used to joke about it. The issue is that the workplace isn't always so nice, and a work adversary started a rumor that my work husband and I were more than friends. It made things really uncomfortable. Luckily HR didn't take it seriously.

Point being - the relationship may be NBD and it's actually really nice to have someone to talk to at work (and the mentor/Mentee relationship is positive) -- BUT your DH needs to make sure that no one thinks there is a level of impropriety going on. Especially as a subordinate...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had several "work husbands" at different jobs and it's nothing like you describe. First, you're talking about a manager/subordinate employment relationship, yes? If so, calling her his "work wife" is incredibly inappropriate. My "work husbands" have been my peers. Also, as others have pointed out, I never did anything for them. Really, we were just friends who spent a lot of time together because we were at work together all day and sometimes during travel. This will translate to what others might consider spouse-like behavior. Like when out to dinner on travel, we'll each get an entree and split them because we have similar tastes in food. Or I'll take his avocado while he'll take the tomatoes of my plate. Something like that. It's a familiar relationship. But it's never involved any kind of attraction. My current work husband is gay.

This is how it works with my "work husband". But he's not gay. And he's 15 years older than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a work husband (who calls me his work wife) but it's not as if I'm his assistant. We have completely different jobs and are just sort of .... good friends at work. We do go to lunch together sometimes.

But our spouses have met, our kids have met, we let them use our apartment when they went to NYC, they pass down their daughters clothes to our girls, etc. Our families have become friends.

I'm not making copies for him or fetching his coffee. Although one time I did show him how to use a Tide Pen.

This. My work husband is a colleague that I go to for advice or to steal a diet coke. We text rude commentary during boring meetings. Our families vacation together, I make plans with his wife, his son comes to the movies with our DDs, etc. If it was just he and I, it would be a slippery slope and also open for all sorts of speculation in the workplace. Plus I'm pretty sure both our spouses would be unhappy with that arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Uhhh, yep. It's true. I've been a work spouse. Trust me, no hanky panky involved -- couldn't have paid me. But we are very good friends and we know each other very well. Our spouses even joke about us being work spouses, so yeah, nothing strange going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh, yep. It's true. I've been a work spouse. Trust me, no hanky panky involved -- couldn't have paid me. But we are very good friends and we know each other very well. Our spouses even joke about us being work spouses, so yeah, nothing strange going on.

But did you have drinks (alcoholic) outside the office, alone with the work spouse? This is where I feel like he is making very poor decisions. He also didn't tell me about it until someone else he works with mentioned it in front of me. I have no clue how many times this happened. I also don't feel like I can blame the "work wife".. because he is her boss, so she probably feels obligated when asked to join him. this all doesn't sit well