"Work wife" - is it really this common?

[Anonymous]

My DH has a publicly addressed "work wife". She does everything for him, to the point he doesn't know how to use a scanner. He's not that "high up" in his workplace.. I think he just likes to delegate and feels important doing so. I've learned they have shared cocktails together after work, have gone to lunch alone together, starbucks, etc etc. I addressed my husband and informed him that I'm uncomfortable and feel the boundaries have become gray. He responded that this is very normal behavior for a manager and his "work wife".

Is this normal? FWIW - she is about 15 yrs younger and single. good looking. so yeah, there is obviously a bit of natural jealousy on my part.

[Anonymous]

Not normal. I would be super jealous and suspicious if I found out my DH was behaving this way. Having an admin assistant perform clerical tasks is normal, but going out to get cocktails and lunch alone together is not.

[Anonymous]

Not normal. I have joked in the past that my best male friend at work is my "work husband", but we never socialized out of work and we each had met each other's spouses - in fact, all 4 of us are friends on FB. And he certainly never has delegated tasks to me or me to him. We are just teammates on a long term project, share offices, and talk a lot during the day. But it's all equal and out in the open and conspicuous.

I'd be most concerned that, to him, "wife" seems to mean subordinate and servant.

[Anonymous]

Her doing work tasks like scanning things is normal behavior for a manager. It is not normal for a manager with healthy professional boundaries to have multiple solo social outings with a subordinate.

My boss takes me out to lunch on my birthday. We occasionally bring each other coffee back from Starbucks when it's crunch time and one of us is going. He does not go out with me after work for drinks, since he is going home to his wife at that time.

[Anonymous]

Yes and no. At my workplace, the reference to a work wife is only done with people that have known each other a long time. And it's not in the sense that you put it. For example at my workplace there is Frank and Ashley. Frank and ashley have worked on projects together for years. Often times Ashley has to get on Frank for getting something turned into her. or Frank has to go over the minute details of something with Ashley again. So in some ways it is a relationship with a lot of give-and-take, knowing each other's routines, knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses, and some nagging, like a marriage. But the way you word it, I would be a little annoyed if I were in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

15:26 here. It's also sad that your husband believes that "doing everything for him" is what a wife is supposed to do. It sounds to me more like what the mother of a young child is supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not normal. I have joked in the past that my best male friend at work is my "work husband", but we never socialized out of work and we each had met each other's spouses - in fact, all 4 of us are friends on FB. And he certainly never has delegated tasks to me or me to him. We are just teammates on a long term project, share offices, and talk a lot during the day. But it's all equal and out in the open and conspicuous.

I'd be most concerned that, to him, "wife" seems to mean subordinate and servant.

this is interesting, as he does tend to delegate to me at home too.. very thankful you pointed this out.

[Anonymous]

I think the good thing is that your husband is still telling you about it. The bad news is he's sliding down a slippery slope, and he's very close to the danger zone. He's already crossing the line of propriety by going out alone with her. It would be a good time to ask him about what he knows sexual harassment in the workplace. He could probably use a wake up call about what he is risking and should know about appropriate boundaries for a supervisor with a subordinate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:26 here. It's also sad that your husband believes that "doing everything for him" is what a wife is supposed to do. It sounds to me more like what the mother of a young child is supposed to do.

Yeah, that was my 1st thought too. Funny enough, I had a colleague I called my 'work wife' ( I am a woman and we are both straight FWIW) because it really was someone I saw more than anyone else and we kept each other sane in and out of work!

[Anonymous]

I have a work husband (who calls me his work wife) but it's not as if I'm his assistant. We have completely different jobs and are just sort of .... good friends at work. We do go to lunch together sometimes.

But our spouses have met, our kids have met, we let them use our apartment when they went to NYC, they pass down their daughters clothes to our girls, etc. Our families have become friends.

I'm not making copies for him or fetching his coffee. Although one time I did show him how to use a Tide Pen.

[Anonymous]

As a coworker dealing with such relationships, I have to say that these patterns are weird and frequently uncomfortable for the entire office. It's different when the entire office goes out for lunch on Friday or out for after work cocktails and commiseration. It's not even a group of three or four or five for lunch, is it? It's not even a BFF thing where she and her BF would come to your house for a movie night. It's just the two of them and their coworkers know it. It's weird and it's perceived as weird.

You need to tell your DH that so that DH has to let the "work wife" thing go back to a normal professional distance. His coworkers are as uncomfortable with it as you are. These situations often end poorly.

[Anonymous]

Yes and no. At my workplace, the reference to a work wife is only done with people that have known each other a long time. And it's not in the sense that you put it. For example at my workplace there is Frank and Ashley. Frank and ashley have worked on projects together for years. Often times Ashley has to get on Frank for getting something turned into her. or Frank has to go over the minute details of something with Ashley again. So in some ways it is a relationship with a lot of give-and-take, knowing each other's routines, knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses, and some nagging, like a marriage.

Similar to the "work husband" / "work wife" dynamic at my workplace. Know the person, including quirks, habits, so well that the interactions seem akin to an old married couple at times. There is no manager-subordinate dynamic here though. The "married couple" are peers/at the same level.

[Anonymous]

I was someone's 'work wife', yes we did have lunch together nearly every single day. On work trips we hung out and would go for drinks (with other co-workers of course.) But we never went out alone after work. If we did go out my husband was always there because I didn't think it was appropriate and at some point it did feel strange. I had to subconsciously make sure I kept my co-worker in the friend zone. I do think those types of relationships are borderline inappropriate. If my marriage had been rocky I could see their being real danger in having a work spouse.

[Anonymous]

I've had several "work husbands" at different jobs and it's nothing like you describe. First, you're talking about a manager/subordinate employment relationship, yes? If so, calling her his "work wife" is incredibly inappropriate. My "work husbands" have been my peers. Also, as others have pointed out, I never did anything for them. Really, we were just friends who spent a lot of time together because we were at work together all day and sometimes during travel. This will translate to what others might consider spouse-like behavior. Like when out to dinner on travel, we'll each get an entree and split them because we have similar tastes in food. Or I'll take his avocado while he'll take the tomatoes of my plate. Something like that. It's a familiar relationship. But it's never involved any kind of attraction. My current work husband is gay.

[Anonymous]

NP, IME the "work spouse" phenomenon is for two people who work closely together as equals and are also platonic friends outside of work. It is just a way to say you are colleagues and also friends. It is NOT for people at different levels--does she work for him? can't tell, but if so, I'd consider his using this phrase sexual harassment. Agree with PPs that this is not as normal as he wants you to think.