My dad doesn't think I should be working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, my mom is very upset I am not working (and yet she will not help out with child care).

Did you consult her prior to getting pregnant and she promised free child care? If not, it is your kid, nor hers, and she is under no obligation to provide you with free babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need the money? If yes, then tell your dad you'd happily stop working if he can cover your salary. Tell him college costs are super expensive now, and so is retirement. If he is willing to pay for all that, then you can stop working.

What if he took her up on the offer? Maybe she couldn't happily stop working.

I do like working.

Unless he's got millions in the bank, if he's 55 I seriously doubt he can take her up on her offer. Is he still working? I doubt he could pay her current salary and support himself and his wife, not to mention future college costs and OP's retirement.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe all the people on this thread acting as if your dad might be right, and that you working is a luxury of some sort.

You work, which is normal. Your mom helps out, which is nice. Your dad is a retrograde idiot, which is too bad (no offense to you, since he's your dad).

[Anonymous]

I think that working is a scapegoat. He doesn't want to deal with your kid several times a month. Or, he doesn't like the change to the household (wife paying him less attention, etc) when your kids is there. It isn't PC to say that he doesn't want your kid at his house.

[Anonymous]

I travel several times a month. My child doesn't stay there every time. Sorry if that was confusing. I just added it up and it's been 6 days this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that working is a scapegoat. He doesn't want to deal with your kid several times a month. Or, he doesn't like the change to the household (wife paying him less attention, etc) when your kids is there. It isn't PC to say that he doesn't want your kid at his house.

yeah, there is some strain at OP's parents house re: DC.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are in a unique position. You have asked your parents for a favor which affects lifestyle for both them. Know that you are the one who has chosen to make this complicated - since otherwise, you would have the right to demand. "Dad, I've heard your advice. Now stop". Given the whole picture, since you hope to have the arrangement continue, you can encourage your father to express any unhappiness re travel/absence directly to your mother. Make sure you are not coming between your parents. Make sure you are not taking away your Mom from your Dad in order to emphasize that she's on your side and you're right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that working is a scapegoat. He doesn't want to deal with your kid several times a month. Or, he doesn't like the change to the household (wife paying him less attention, etc) when your kids is there. It isn't PC to say that he doesn't want your kid at his house.

Another scapegoat potential - does he like your DH? Is this his way of putting down your DH for not being good enough for his little girl since he can't "support her"? Yes, an old fashioned view, but also quite possible. Or, could he be the one speaking as well on behalf of your mom who might love you and her grandchild but is feeling a bit overburdened?

If you and your mom have a strong relationship, have you or can you talk to her? "Mom, I love the time we spend together and the time you spend with grandson. I'm so incredibly grateful for all of your help and support. Is it too much for you, though? Dad doesn't seem happy and I want to make sure that I'm not taking advantage of you in your retirement years."

[Anonymous]

My immediate reaction was the old fashioned "hubby should make enough that my darling daughter doesn't have to work" - this may seem dated especially to younger dcumers, but it isn't vey long ago that it was the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are in a unique position. You have asked your parents for a favor which affects lifestyle for both them. Know that you are the one who has chosen to make this complicated - since otherwise, you would have the right to demand. "Dad, I've heard your advice. Now stop". Given the whole picture, since you hope to have the arrangement continue, you can encourage your father to express any unhappiness re travel/absence directly to your mother. Make sure you are not coming between your parents. Make sure you are not taking away your Mom from your Dad in order to emphasize that she's on your side and you're right.

I'm not sure how to do this, though. I never asked them for a favor - early on it was the nanny and DC and me on the road. My mom missed seeing DC, and our currrent arrangement came into being.

I think a PP is right in that my dad hasn't figured his part as an epty nester but I also think he beleives I should be a SAHM. DH makes enough for me to do so, but I need to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few questions: How long are your 2x a month travel trips? Why can't the nanny travel with you? What will you do when your child is school age? Where is the father in all of this?

WTF? every time she has a business trip she is suppoosed to pay another airfare for her child and nanny? That is absurd? (Who that works for a living makes that kind of money?)

[Anonymous]

Hm, I wonder if OP's dad thinks she is tkaing advantage of your mother. It sounds like you just swan in, drop the kid off and say "oh, grandma loves it." Maybe grandma doesnt have the heart to tell you what your dad is telling you.

[Anonymous]

As an adult, why do you care what he says or thinks? I don't understand why people are so controlled by their parents after leaving home.

[Anonymous]

This is very interesting OP as my dad has the opposite view: when I took mat leave and during casual chit chat with him told him I'd love to stay home, he went crazy. Called me all the time nagging me about going back to work! Which I thought was cute b/c I knew I had no other option, can't afford to even consider PT. He calmed down when I finally told him I was going back to work.

I tell you all of this to also say I get it - but you need to be straight with your dad, and tell him this line of discussion hurts your feelings and undermines your decisions. Ask him to please stop.

[Anonymous]

I guess I would ask him if his concern was that my child was at his home 2x a month? Or is it a broader philosophical objection?

If the former, stop sending your child there. If the latter, feel free to ignore.