My dad doesn't think I should be working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this doesn't become an argument about SAHM vs. WOHM, but...

My dad is super opposed to me working. I don't see him all that often, but whenever I do, he makes a point to say I should be at home with my child. I don't know what else I can say, other than I'm not sure how to deal with it. I do feel somewhat guilty, but now I'm a better mother for working, and as a consultant with a nanny who works from home much of the time, I'm not actually away from him that often. I'm certainly not in an office every day with him in daycare. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it seems like it's most peoples' objection to WOHM's. I really don't understand why it offends him so much and how I can stop it from getting to me so much.

(And no, it shouldn't be any of his business, except that I travel a few times a month, and my mom, who hasn't worked in a few years so she can have fun with her grandkids, either comes to my house to watch DC, or I drop DC at their house while I travel. They live in Chicago, so I can usually work flight connections that way. Sometimes she comes with me and DC on trips, which is a blast. My mom is incredibly happy to do it, but my dad - not so much. It's not about her being gone either, it's about her watching my child while I <gasp> work.)

Where is your spouse when you are traveling?

[Anonymous]

A few questions: How long are your 2x a month travel trips? Why can't the nanny travel with you? What will you do when your child is school age? Where is the father in all of this?

[Anonymous]

We need to know more information, but I think your dad has a valid point if DC is at his house several times a month while you travel. This isn't an issue of WOHM vs SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Do you need the money? If yes, then tell your dad you'd happily stop working if he can cover your salary. Tell him college costs are super expensive now, and so is retirement. If he is willing to pay for all that, then you can stop working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's entitled to his opinion. You're entitled to live your life as you see fit.

Yup. Thread over. Would be nice if he were more sensitive/ less of a busy body but...

[Anonymous]

My mom likes coming out to see the kids and spends as long as she can while she's here. I can see that my dad misses her during these trips, and he could come too, but they've got a dog and a life back home, so it's not too practical.

It improved when my dad starting make trips of his own to come see the grandkids. Sounds like that's not what your dad wants - but maybe your dad needs to find his own thing that he can get into so he doesn't resent your mother's time with you & your kid. I see this with a lot of empty nesters - it takes awhile to rebalance how much time is couple time and how much is independent/different activities time. Maybe he hasn't found his "me time" activity yet.

[Anonymous]

My dad isn't blatantly against me working, but definitely views the world through a lens without a lot of room for working moms. For example, on the phone, he'll always ask how DH's job is going, but never my own (not passive aggressively - it just doesn't occur to him to remember I work too!). I was raised to believe I could do anything, but also with a SAHM who pretty blatantly expressed her dismay that other kids were 'raised by nannies' or sent to (gasp!) daycare. She passed away before I had kids, but I'd be lying if I said I don't occasionally feel a bit guilty as a WOHM as a result, even though I WAH and am part-time.

All that said, I know my kids are thriving, and there's all kinds of research out there to support that they'll be just fine. I try to let it just roll off my back, and chalk their attitudes up to the time in which they were raised. His asking about my husbands job is now a bit of a running joke, that I secretly toast if I happen to have a drink in my hand. Direct comments though I think I would feel the need to shut down with some sort of canned, emotionless speech repeated ad naseum ("dad, I know how you feel about me working. It's a choice Dan and I made and have no plans to revisit. Shall we change the topic, or agree not to talk right now?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He may not technically be taking care of your kid, but if your kid is staying in his house while your mom takes care of him, that's an imposition on him, and it affects him.

I asked if the dad was home and this is what I'm thinking. Even if the dad is working during the day, their is still a child there in the evening. He also may be bothered by the mom going on the trips to take care of the child. It sounds like the dad may be one of those grandparents that thinks he's raised his kids, he doesn't need to care for his grandkids.

Maybe, but that's a marital issue more than anything else.

+1

If the real issue is caring for the grandson (in Chicago or DC) during OP's work travel, then the dad should take that up with his wife and not OP.

OP working is not the issue here.

OP, I would probably tell him that if caring for your son is a problem, then you will make other arrangements. Then turn a deaf ear to his remarks.

[Anonymous]

My father thinks I should do my husband's laundry, cook, clean the house, etc., because otherwise I'm not showing him I love him.

We hire quite a bit of that out, and split the rest. Dad thinks I am literally a horrible wife. I've just had to learn to ignore it.

[Anonymous]

My spouse is either home or deployed (short, frequent ones). Yes, he could take care of DC if he's home, but my mom absolutely loves the grandkids and jumps on the chance to babysit. The nanny comes with us a lot of the time - obviously not when DC stays with my parents), but my mom likes to as well.

My dad's never said anything about the travel or babysitting though, just the working part, which is why I think it's the simple fact that I work that bothers him.

[Anonymous]

How old is your dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your dad?

55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you need the money? If yes, then tell your dad you'd happily stop working if he can cover your salary. Tell him college costs are super expensive now, and so is retirement. If he is willing to pay for all that, then you can stop working.

What if he took her up on the offer? Maybe she couldn't happily stop working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need the money? If yes, then tell your dad you'd happily stop working if he can cover your salary. Tell him college costs are super expensive now, and so is retirement. If he is willing to pay for all that, then you can stop working.

What if he took her up on the offer? Maybe she couldn't happily stop working.

I do like working.

[Anonymous]

Would he stop complaining if your kid stopped staying at thrir house a couple times a month? Something to think about if you want the complaining to stop.