Unsolicited Grandparenting Advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like grandparents can't win on DCUM. Either they don't/won't provide free childcare or they provide too much instruction/pickle relish, etc.

I'm in the middle, with an 18-year-old DD who had no grandparents in her life. I will look forward to grandkids someday in the future but don't want to overstep.

This is what I'm seeing too. I think a lot of people post rants on DCUM with the presumption that we all must feel the same. To me, the people who are so harsh on the grandparents for not providing child care so they can save money are not only awfully entitled, but batshit crazy! I'd never in a million years want my parents or inlaws providing full time child care. I wanted people who were young and fun and nurturing to care for my kid when I was working. My parents are great babysitters, by the way, but neither they nor I would want them as daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like grandparents can't win on DCUM. Either they don't/won't provide free childcare or they provide too much instruction/pickle relish, etc.

I'm in the middle, with an 18-year-old DD who had no grandparents in her life. I will look forward to grandkids someday in the future but don't want to overstep.

This is what I'm seeing too. I think a lot of people post rants on DCUM with the presumption that we all must feel the same. To me, the people who are so harsh on the grandparents for not providing child care so they can save money are not only awfully entitled, but batshit crazy! I'd never in a million years want my parents or inlaws providing full time child care. I wanted people who were young and fun and nurturing to care for my kid when I was working. My parents are great babysitters, by the way, but neither they nor I would want them as daycare.

I totally agree with the feeling that if you feel you are "owed" grandparents-as-childcare-providers, you crazy! I also agree that my parents are great babysitters, but I wouldn't want them as full-time caregivers (and neither would they).

But that doesn't mean I don't have a few things about my parents and ILs as grandparents that bug me. I really don't appreciate when they undermine my rules. When I say my daughter is not allowed to have soda (SHE'S TWO!), then what I mean is NO SODA! And if you give it to her behind my back, I don't trust you, and I know you don't respect me as a parent. Respect is a two-way street.

[Anonymous]

Mom: when I am two weeks postpartum, exhausted, and none of my clothes fit and my maternity clothes are all in the dirty clothes pile because haven't had a chance to do laundry since giving birth, I really don't want to take the baby out for lunch and shopping at your favorite, fancy restaurant and stores. I really don't. Maybe if you could help with the baby for a few hours I could do a load of laundry, get an appropriate outfit ready, and take a shower. Then maybe we could go. But I would really rather just take a nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom: when I am two weeks postpartum, exhausted, and none of my clothes fit and my maternity clothes are all in the dirty clothes pile because haven't had a chance to do laundry since giving birth, I really don't want to take the baby out for lunch and shopping at your favorite, fancy restaurant and stores. I really don't. Maybe if you could help with the baby for a few hours I could do a load of laundry, get an appropriate outfit ready, and take a shower. Then maybe we could go. But I would really rather just take a nap.

I want to give you a hug!

[Anonymous]

Establishing breastfeeding can be difficult. Moms and MILs, please do not question/hover/repeat over and over again that we should "just give that baby a bottle!" We'll let you know if we need help.

But it IS kind of satisfying to hear the "resignation" in your voice when it does click and we're off and running. Lo and behold...the new mom was right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents: for the most part, we love and appreciate them. However, it's probably fair to say most of us have received unsolicited parenting advice. So maybe here in this little corner of the Internet, we can fantasize about giving unsolicited Grandparenting advice.

Lifted from another thread:

Anonymous wrote:
Grandparents, take note: if a parent is within eyesight/earshot of the child, and is actively parenting them, you don't need to pile on with the instructions and corrections. I don't need my FIL barking "put that down!" When I have JUST said it. Kids don't need three adults telling them the same thing at the same time.

See, this is why American family structure is just a total failure. The grandparent in this case is barking, "put that down!" because he is saying, "And I am even more important than you mother, who just told you to" but to the mother, the grandparent isn't even part of the family anymore.

I think it's just part of the way things are changing too -- many families don't live in close proximity anymore. What OP posted about bothers me too, but my parents live on the west coast. So it has the added dynamic of my parents coming to visit, what, 2-3 times per year? So, yes they're my parents and part of my family, and I don't mind for them to discipline my kids when necessary. But, no, they're not part of a close family that sees each other all the time, so no, Grandma/Grandpa are not seen as the matriarch/patriarch in my nuclear family or even a second set of parents. My kids probably feel more that way (that they are a second set of parents) about my in laws, who live closer and who they see more often.

I think the bigger problem between me/my parents when they do this (it's really just my dad) is that it's clear he still views me as a 15 year old. Like he somehow can't wrap his mind around the fact that I am an adult who can parent my kids on my own just fine without the benefit of all his many years of experience (of letting my mother do 90% of the parenting -- but that's another post/therapy session).

[Anonymous]

Just above...very well said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom and MIL, I get it. You didn't breastfeed. Yes, I turned out fine. Yes, it "gave you more freedom." That's great for you. I'm choosing to breastfeed again. I get that you don't get it. But here's what: I'm not judging you for not breastfeeding. Don't judge me for breastfeeding.

I reallly do not care but if you breastfeed in my house, you either cover or go to another room or, alternatively, do not come with your children or at all. I have a full life and do not need your crap or your spoiled brats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and MIL, I get it. You didn't breastfeed. Yes, I turned out fine. Yes, it "gave you more freedom." That's great for you. I'm choosing to breastfeed again. I get that you don't get it. But here's what: I'm not judging you for not breastfeeding. Don't judge me for breastfeeding.

I reallly do not care but if you breastfeed in my house, you either cover or go to another room or, alternatively, do not come with your children or at all. I have a full life and do not need your crap or your spoiled brats.

Ha, this! Not all of us find your little dears to be as wonderful as you do. They're lovely, but we really are glad to see you go back home at the end of the visit. Don't be mad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and MIL, I get it. You didn't breastfeed. Yes, I turned out fine. Yes, it "gave you more freedom." That's great for you. I'm choosing to breastfeed again. I get that you don't get it. But here's what: I'm not judging you for not breastfeeding. Don't judge me for breastfeeding.

I reallly do not care but if you breastfeed in my house, you either cover or go to another room or, alternatively, do not come with your children or at all. I have a full life and do not need your crap or your spoiled brats.

Ha, this! Not all of us find your little dears to be as wonderful as you do. They're lovely, but we really are glad to see you go back home at the end of the visit. Don't be mad!

I always go to a completely private room to breastfeed. And guess who wants to come hang out with me? MIL. Sorry--it's private time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and MIL, I get it. You didn't breastfeed. Yes, I turned out fine. Yes, it "gave you more freedom." That's great for you. I'm choosing to breastfeed again. I get that you don't get it. But here's what: I'm not judging you for not breastfeeding. Don't judge me for breastfeeding.

I reallly do not care but if you breastfeed in my house, you either cover or go to another room or, alternatively, do not come with your children or at all. I have a full life and do not need your crap or your spoiled brats.

Ha, this! Not all of us find your little dears to be as wonderful as you do. They're lovely, but we really are glad to see you go back home at the end of the visit. Don't be mad!

Oh, we're not mad! We are glad to leave. And I always, always breastfeed in private in a room with a door.

[Anonymous]

Anyone--relative or friend--who expects to be treated like a guest instead of a true helper during the first two weeks postpartum needs to just leave or not visit on the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and MIL, I get it. You didn't breastfeed. Yes, I turned out fine. Yes, it "gave you more freedom." That's great for you. I'm choosing to breastfeed again. I get that you don't get it. But here's what: I'm not judging you for not breastfeeding. Don't judge me for breastfeeding.

I reallly do not care but if you breastfeed in my house, you either cover or go to another room or, alternatively, do not come with your children or at all. I have a full life and do not need your crap or your spoiled brats.

Ha, this! Not all of us find your little dears to be as wonderful as you do. They're lovely, but we really are glad to see you go back home at the end of the visit. Don't be mad!

I always go to a completely private room to breastfeed. And guess who wants to come hang out with me? MIL. Sorry--it's private time.

What is that? My MIL tried to pry her way in to my breastfeeding time too. Shut up and get out! You want to share the power of womanhood, MIL, but now is not the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and MIL, I get it. You didn't breastfeed. Yes, I turned out fine. Yes, it "gave you more freedom." That's great for you. I'm choosing to breastfeed again. I get that you don't get it. But here's what: I'm not judging you for not breastfeeding. Don't judge me for breastfeeding.

I reallly do not care but if you breastfeed in my house, you either cover or go to another room or, alternatively, do not come with your children or at all. I have a full life and do not need your crap or your spoiled brats.

Ha, this! Not all of us find your little dears to be as wonderful as you do. They're lovely, but we really are glad to see you go back home at the end of the visit. Don't be mad!

I always go to a completely private room to breastfeed. And guess who wants to come hang out with me? MIL. Sorry--it's private time.

What is that? My MIL tried to pry her way in to my breastfeeding time too. Shut up and get out! You want to share the power of womanhood, MIL, but now is not the time.

My mom and MIL were both visiting at the same time. I went off to BF, and MIL says to my mom, "don't you feel left out when she does that?" My mom said, "no, we get to share in plenty of special time. That is mom-and-baby time."

[Anonymous]

Don't demand affection, or insist that I prompt my child to kiss you. She is in charge of choosing to give affection. Go ahead and ask for a hug, but I will NOT teach her that affection is "owed" anyone and that giving affection when she doesn't want yo makes her a "good girl."