Reply to At risk 17 year oLd - need help desperately

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[quote=Anonymous]I haven't been a parent in this situation but I was the teenager. My grades were not great, certainly much worse than my test scores. I tried some drugs. I was definitely depressed.

This all made my mother incredibly anxious. I think that stemmed from a couple of beliefs that were not correct:
1. That it was within her control to fix the situation. 
2. That if she didn't fix it, very bad things were going to happen.

These were not true! There was very little she could do to control the situation. And, I am happy to say, no very bad things happened.

By 17, you really need to cede some control and accept that they need to figure out their own path. You can offer him resources like counseling. You can say "we are not going to continue to support you next year unless you're in college and getting good grades." But that's about the level at which you should be managing things.

The nice thing about being a very bright teenager with involved, professional parents is that, unless you really screw up (and possibly even then), you just keep getting chances. If this year goes really poorly for him, he has a lot of options that still wind up with him at a very selective college. And even more that don't end up with him at a very selective college, but still wind up with him happy and educated and doing something great, and with you having a happy relationship with him.

It is your choice whether to make your relationship with him focused on your anxiety and unmet expectations. [/quote]

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