I am considering becoming estranged from my parents
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Anonymous
I was 6 during the Great Flood of 1993. We regularly crossed the Mississippi and I started calling every river a flood. Anytime I rode with my father after he would point out the window when we were on the bridge and say "hey, look at that flood!" It embarrassed me when he did it with my friends or boyfriends in the car, but as I got older it was just a fun memory. Now that he's gone, I still think of it when I see a river. OP, I don't know that full on estrangement is what you need, but definitely boundaries. If you are able to set boundaries and be cordial with your parents, it will make your family life with everyone else significantly easier. At the least, start with that and see if you need to progress to a full estrangement. |
Anonymous
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OP, I have a similar kind of relationship with my parents, and was persuaded by DH to NOT cut them off, because they really do love me *in their own way*, and helped me financially and sometimes emotionally (and at other times were the cruelest people alive). Whatever you decide, let go of any expectations you might have. They are NEVER going to change and realize that they were nasty and they are NEVER going to talk about it in a way that be satisfying for you to hear. This means that you have to accept them for who they are. For me, I can do that by living on a different continent and calling them once a week, but visiting them once a year for two weeks. This way I maintain a connection that is beneficial to my children, but I don't have to bear their mean comments on my weight, my parenting, my housekeeping, my career, etc... Most important of all, please take a good look at yourself and make sure you don't replicate your parents behavior with your children. It's sad, but children do grow up to imitate their parents. I have had to catch myself from saying exactly the same kind of cutting remarks my mother said to me! |
Anonymous
| This has been eye opening to read. My parents are similar to OP's, but worse. Sometimes I wonder about cutting them off, but their hatred for everyone else in our family who has done so, along with their hurt, has kept me from doing anything. And i thought I was overreacting - they would say I was. Hmm. Interesting to see the consensus is on OP's side. |
Anonymous
| I cut my mother off. Sometimes it hurts but mostly it has been freeing and I'm doing much better because of it. No more ruined Sundays after she calls for one. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Well you dad said since you were 4 so yeah, maybe you were just a really difficult kid and person. I know - it's never, ever the kids fault. But in reality, sometimes it is. Some kids are just difficult and then turn into difficult people. |
Anonymous
| Counseling (for yourself) and lots of it! You say in your original letter that they "are really good people." No, they're not. Good people don't treat their children like this. Counseling will help you figure out strategies/boundaries to deal with this in a healthy way. Good luck. |
Anonymous
And then otherwise good parents are forced to treat their kids like crap and are justified in it? In your dreams, if you think this is right do not be surprised When your kids are estranged from you. Parents of children with mental illness often spend an inordinant amount of time trying to help their children to no avail, they rarely write them off of frat them like crap as described by the OP. |
Anonymous
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OP - I don't have perfect advice. I am commenting mostly because I completely feel for you. I am in a similar situation.
I'm really sorry you have to go through this; it's so painful. The way I am coping is to fully accept my very flawed parents as they are. This means that I am investing very little emotionally in the relationship at this point, but it also means that when we are together I am less vulnerable. DH is very supportive, and that helps. I agree that a formal cut-off is not the way to go. Boundaries are your best friend in this situation, although deciding exactly what they are and how to defend them is no small feat. Hugs OP. Like I said above, I feel for you big time. |
Anonymous
NP. I work professionally with (mostly) dysfunctional families, and it is RARE that a child is just "born like that", born difficult or impossible. The parent who says "From 4 yrs old to now [in your 30s] you were awful" is, frankly, being cruel. And I highly highly doubt OP just turned some crazy corner at 4 and "became awful" all on her own. So please ignore PP, it's highly unlikely this is just a "you issue". You are the product of your environment, and it sounds like you had parents who struggled mightily with being warm to you or truly bonding with you. The fact that your parents have treated you as they have - and I know we've only heard your side of the story but I'm going to trust you on the details - makes me think you actually did pretty well in your "rebellious stage" if you stayed in school and didn't become a behavior nightmare (which would have probably been understandable, but difficult for all). You've basically been given the message "We don't really like you" by your parents according to your posts, for your whole life, which is enough to make some kids into total nightmare kids. (It's cliche but kids believe what they're told, so if your parents treat you like you're not worth much, most will act like someone not worth much.) Especially if your mom had an awful childhood; you never know if there are things about you that trigger her memories of her childhood more than your other siblings. Which would NOT be your fault in any way, but could partly explain the difference in treatment you got? Anyway, bottom line: 1) If you haven't seen a therapist yourself, you should. You may have a lot of unaddressed hurt and other emotions built up that - even if you feel fine in the rest of your life, still can and do affect you if they're buried. 2) Totally agree with an earlier poster who said "Give up on expecting anything to change or for them to own their attitude towards you" (not exact words, but that was sentiment). This next phase needs to be about what's best for you and your family. Don't pin hopes on getting a good reaction out of your parents. You don't want to be further let down. And 3) Boundaries boundaries boundaries. It's ok not to pick up the phone except for once in awhile. It's ok to say - as someone else suggested - next time a parent drops a bomb like "You've been awful since you were 4" it's ok to say "Given how much disdain you've always had for me, it's a miracle I wasn't much worse. And I'd appreciate it if you'd stop treating me with blatant contempt." Oh, wait, is that too direct?  That's how I'd handle it, but if that seems way too direct and triggering, it's also ok to say "That is a cruel thing to say and uncalled for. It's really unfair that you treat me that way." and get up and walk out. Who knows what the response will be, but just remember that as long as you're speaking your truth, with the goal of letting them know how they affect you (and NOT with goal of shaming them or getting back at them) then if they get upset or go off on you, you have that much more right to fully extricate yourself from your relationship with them.
Good luck OP, it's a rough situation. |
Anonymous
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OP:
You already are estranged, at least in your own mind. But--it's time to grow up. Stop blaming your parents for your emotional problems. Specifically, your ridiculous sibling rivalry with your sister. You should have left that long behind you decades ago. |
Anonymous
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OP:
It sounds like you are probably re-writing your personal history to a large extent and really soft-pedalling the havoc you must have caused your entire family from ages 15-21. Your parents stuck behind you during that time, and you admit they put you through grad school etc., and you're completely ungrateful. = OP is a self-centered egotistical biotch. |
Anonymous
| OP has narcissistic personality disorder. |
Anonymous
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Definition
By Mayo Clinic Staff Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism. A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you're not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling. Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy (psychotherapy). |
Anonymous
Well now, looks like OP's mom or dad has joined the thread... |