I am considering becoming estranged from my parents

[Anonymous]

If you have any thoughts on whether parental estrangement is a good or bad idea in my situation, please let me know.

It's hard to decide whether estrangement is appropriate because my parents are really good people. They are hard working. They are professionals. My mother survived a horrible childhood that has left her emotionally inept and deals with closet alcoholism. She is a very cold individual and not one whom I (or any of my siblings) can speak to on a "real" level. My father is a kind person, but has made mean comments to me about how selfish, mean, and stupid I am since I was a child. For example, when I was a child, I was hit my a car. For the next several years, whenever we crossed a street, my father would mock me by saying, "This is how you cross a street" in a condescending tone and laugh.

However, my parents have supported me financially and paid for my education and living expenses until I finished graduate school. If I were in a true emergency, I know they would be there for me.

My relationship with them has become more and more strained in my thirties. My parents do not come and see me or my kids unless it is an obligatory event that would reflect poorly on them if they did not attend, such as a holiday or family party when others expect them to show up. They constantly visit my sister who lives nearby, who has always been their "golden child," and who has been told her entire life that she is selfless and kind. It is obvious to me (and to other family members who have observed the situation and commented to me, completely unsolicited, that it must be very painful for me) that my parents simply do not like me and prefer not to be around me.

I'm in my late 30s. I have several children. I went through a very hard phase as a teen when I smoked pot, but that period spanned from the age of 15 to 21, and I've never had problems with addiction since then. When I was 22, I went to graduate school and became extremely serious about my career. I am in a high-achieving field and have received accolades and public recognition for my achievements (think along the lines of being a partner at law firm), but still manage to work part time. My parents believe that, if I were a good mother, that I would be home with my kids 100% of the time, and have refused to help me with childcare for work emergencies (though again, they help my stay at home sister with her kids several times a week).

On a recent birthday, I received a searing example of the kind of painful comment I received often growing up. After my husband toasted me, I joked, "I can't believe that I have survived XX years." My father, who was sitting next to me, said, "You're not the one who survived. Your mother and I survived. From the time you were 4 until a couple of years ago, you were awful. Your mother and I should be the ones celebrating today for surviving XX years of you."

I've spoken to my siblings about this comment. They were mortified and said that it wasn't true. While I certainly am imperfect and am no angel (especially as a teen), they consider me to be kind and thoughtful.

On the rare occasion that they call me, I either don't pick up the phone and cry, or pick up the phone and have a very awkward, forced conversation with them. I'm beginning to think that having a formal estrangement would decrease the upset and pain I feel when I think of them, have contact with them, or hear what they are up to.

I want to provide positive energy to my children and to my work. When I am caught up in the pain that my parents cause me, it's borderline paralyzing and prevents me from doing anything well. I don't want to hurt my parents, but I just don't want them to hurt me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Yup, I would, but I would copy and paste what you've written above and send it in a letter to them. They need to know very clearly. Maybe they will grow up.

[Anonymous]

I hear ya babe, but you don't need a formal estrangement, you need boundaries.

I have different but similar issues with my mother and what is called for is clear boundaries on your end and total support from your spouse.

At a calm time, write down what is the minimum contact you want -- one a week phone call, once a month phone call, once a year? Cards of birthdays?

Whatever it is that is your limit, stick to it and DON'T FEEL GUILTY.

Avoid ALL situations where they can unleash little verbal bombs on you. Have a relationship on your terms.

My one caveat is allow the grandkids to develop their own relationship with them via text, email etc. Don't try and control that relationship.

They raised you fed you etc and you have given them grandchildren to be proud of. Good job.

Now go live your life and be happy.

[Anonymous]

No, leave and cleave. Be polite but they are clearly abusive toward you. You don't need that. Life's too short. You need to face your bullies and your dad is clearly one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, I would, but I would copy and paste what you've written above and send it in a letter to them. They need to know very clearly. Maybe they will grow up.

PP -- no offense but this is a terrible idea and one that is bound to generate lots of drama and ripple out to other family members.

You want to stop the dysfunction, right? Noe perpetrate it. So be the adult and just put up some boundaries. Don't be a drama queen.

Hint: they will NEVER see themselves as the bad guys, so following the above advice will only entangle you in some Kardashian-like drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, I would, but I would copy and paste what you've written above and send it in a letter to them. They need to know very clearly. Maybe they will grow up.

PP -- no offense but this is a terrible idea and one that is bound to generate lots of drama and ripple out to other family members.

You want to stop the dysfunction, right? Noe perpetrate it. So be the adult and just put up some boundaries. Don't be a drama queen.

Hint: they will NEVER see themselves as the bad guys, so following the above advice will only entangle you in some Kardashian-like drama.

I'm not suggesting to throw mud at them but to spell out why you are going to be moving on. They are abusive and they need to know. When they start to miss you, they will either get a clue and make the changes or they will be out of your life and no longer abusing you and making you feel bad.

I think the PP above is projecting. Likely a grandma.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading between the lines, but it sounds like you wouldn't have to work that hard to become estranged. What would happen if you simply stopped calling? It doesn't sound like they are super eager to be around you.

Let them schedule the next event and if they say anything mean to you, answer with, "that was uncalled for. I don't feel very wanted here. I'm going to go now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading between the lines, but it sounds like you wouldn't have to work that hard to become estranged. What would happen if you simply stopped calling? It doesn't sound like they are super eager to be around you.

Let them schedule the next event and if they say anything mean to you, answer with, "that was uncalled for. I don't feel very wanted here. I'm going to go now."

and MAKE SURE you leave. Otherwise, they won't take you seriously.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post myself except switch the roles of my parents. Everything rings so true, including the rebellion you had, the ensuing blame you've endured for it. (I am still blamed to this day at age 35) I've come to realize that I am an adult child of an alcoholic and it deeply effected me, my coping skills, my guilt, my need to make everything o.k. for everyone all the time. My dad is a functioning alcoholic that has always held a successful job and he's not physically abusive but I'm still very affected by it.

Adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) can and often do suffer from some features of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that are the direct result of living with the traumatizing effects of addiction. Years after we leave behind our alcoholic homes, we carry the impact of living with addiction with us.

I think it would be helpful to you to do some reading about this or visit an al-anon meeting. http://alcoholism.about.com/od/books/tp/acoabooks.htm

I think the guilt of estrangement would bother me more than dealing with my parents and setting healthy boundaries.

Good luck OP. This is a tough one and I feel you.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you in therapy at all? You say your parents are "really good people", but they don't seem to be based on their treatment of you. I feel like you'll need a third party to help you process these opposing feelings you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading between the lines, but it sounds like you wouldn't have to work that hard to become estranged. What would happen if you simply stopped calling? It doesn't sound like they are super eager to be around you.

Let them schedule the next event and if they say anything mean to you, answer with, "that was uncalled for. I don't feel very wanted here. I'm going to go now."

This is the way to go. Just don't put forth the effort to be with them. This also means don't reach out to them when you need something.

[Anonymous]

I'm not trying to be mean but I think your dad is hilarious. He has my sense of humor. The car thing, I would forever tease you about that everytime you crossed the street. Maybe it's his way of loving you, by teasing you.

[Anonymous]

Can you just distance yourself from them without having any formal announcement? Just stop calling/visiting.

[Anonymous]

refused to help me with childcare for work emergencies.
I can't speak to on a "real" level
My parents do not come and see me or my kids unless it is an obligatory event
Sister always been their "golden child,"

I just don't want them to hurt me anymore.

Op, these are not good enough reasons for estrangement. Maybe they are not entirely nice people and do have problems, but you sound odd and not very balanced. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to be mean but I think your dad is hilarious. He has my sense of humor. The car thing, I would forever tease you about that everytime you crossed the street. Maybe it's his way of loving you, by teasing you.

Your kid gets hit by a car and you'd make fun of your kid for the rest of childhood that they don't know how to cross the street? That's disgusting.

OP, unless you're ready to sit out of wedding, funerals, and grandma's 80th birthday party, then I think quietly backing out of a direct relationship with your parents is a better move than proactively telling them that you're cutting them out of your life. If you simply stop engaging in one-on-one exchanges, then you will get what you want, but can politely exchange greetings and otherwise ignore each other at family functions. It puts everyone else in an awkward position when you announce that you're threw with your parents - now your siblings will have to choose who to invite to Christmas. If you're okay with that fall out, then go ahead. If you like to keep your siblings out of it, then just stop engaging with your parents - you'll run into them at family functions and that can be the extent of it. They won't be meaningfully involved in your life.