How do you make friends when you have none?

[Anonymous]

I have pretty much met my post-college friends through a moms group when the kids were little. I imagine/hope now that the kids are older if I have outside interests again, like if I take up tennis or dance classes, I will make more friends. In articles I've seen making friends as a mom is compared to mommy dating and it's true. I think part of the thing of finding friends within a moms group is that you know that they ARE looking for new friends versus In other situations you don't know if the person's circle of friends is complete and you are putting yourself out there more to suggest a mom's night out or coming over with their family for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an extroverted person and making friends comes easily.
I am also loyal and put in the work in friendships that they need to sustain. I make the phone calls, go out on a limb and invite people to things, return emails, I attend functions when its possible for me to and not flake out because its easier.

My 4 best friends are my mom, sister and two sister-in-laws.
We talk every single day.
I have friends from high school that I reach out to regularly. Some i've kept all along and some I reconnected with through Facebook after I had a child. They similarly had babies around the same time and we had that in common. We joined running (with stroller) groups, went mall walking, etc. You could reconnect with people on Facebook. Shoot them a message and ask to meet for coffee or wine or whatever suits you.

I have friends that I made through work. Most of them started out as drinking buddies pre-husband and pre-babies. We keep in touch and get together when we can. You can befriend someone at work the daily proximity makes it easy. Find someone that makes you laugh or that you enjoy their qualities and pursue something there.

You can make friends by joining sport teams or the gym.

Some of my closest friends lately have been wonderful families that I've met through my child's school. I pick DD up every night and make conversation with the other parents that are also there. I started by inviting one lady (and her child) that i thought looked nice and i enjoyed talking to, to go ice skating with me and my DD. This led to more get togethers, wine nights, family trips together.

Yes it is work but it's worthwhile.

Your situation is very atypical for most DCUM families. Many are not from around here, so no family support (which makes life way easier in general freeing up time for investing in friendships and maybe even free babysitting). And the network of friends from high school and pre-kids work are hard to replicate.

We moved here and had kids within 2 years so not much time to develop friends in that lets hang out spontaneity phase. Plus we live inner suburbs and work in DC, but all our co-workers live far away at least outside beltway so logistics is quite complicated to just meet up.

School seems like good option, but we find most folks already have friends from the earlier stages of their lives so we don't know how to break in. On top of our two working parent no support scenario which results in a constantly messy house and little free time for spontaneity.

Sounds like you have it good PP; I wish I grew up in a place I would have liked to stay and raise a family, or at least had professional jobs to give that option! Enjoy your good fortune.

Thank you! I am definitely fortunate but it wasn't by chance. You're right it's atypical because I'm not in DC. I chose to stay in my mid-sized home town and not pursue a big career that my town can't support. I did his purposely because I wanted to stay close with my family and friends. It's my #1 priority. Not saying that there's anything wrong with other choices at all! Just different choices, priorities and outcomes. Not to say I don't wonder what it would have been like to leave! Not to have the parents drop by uninvited for the 3rd time that week, and so on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an extroverted person and making friends comes easily.
I am also loyal and put in the work in friendships that they need to sustain. I make the phone calls, go out on a limb and invite people to things, return emails, I attend functions when its possible for me to and not flake out because its easier.

My 4 best friends are my mom, sister and two sister-in-laws.
We talk every single day.
I have friends from high school that I reach out to regularly. Some i've kept all along and some I reconnected with through Facebook after I had a child. They similarly had babies around the same time and we had that in common. We joined running (with stroller) groups, went mall walking, etc. You could reconnect with people on Facebook. Shoot them a message and ask to meet for coffee or wine or whatever suits you.

I have friends that I made through work. Most of them started out as drinking buddies pre-husband and pre-babies. We keep in touch and get together when we can. You can befriend someone at work the daily proximity makes it easy. Find someone that makes you laugh or that you enjoy their qualities and pursue something there.

You can make friends by joining sport teams or the gym.

Some of my closest friends lately have been wonderful families that I've met through my child's school. I pick DD up every night and make conversation with the other parents that are also there. I started by inviting one lady (and her child) that i thought looked nice and i enjoyed talking to, to go ice skating with me and my DD. This led to more get togethers, wine nights, family trips together.

Yes it is work but it's worthwhile.

Your situation is very atypical for most DCUM families. Many are not from around here, so no family support (which makes life way easier in general freeing up time for investing in friendships and maybe even free babysitting). And the network of friends from high school and pre-kids work are hard to replicate.

We moved here and had kids within 2 years so not much time to develop friends in that lets hang out spontaneity phase. Plus we live inner suburbs and work in DC, but all our co-workers live far away at least outside beltway so logistics is quite complicated to just meet up.

School seems like good option, but we find most folks already have friends from the earlier stages of their lives so we don't know how to break in. On top of our two working parent no support scenario which results in a constantly messy house and little free time for spontaneity.

Sounds like you have it good PP; I wish I grew up in a place I would have liked to stay and raise a family, or at least had professional jobs to give that option! Enjoy your good fortune.

Not my experience. I'm from Chicago and I have 3 best friends and then we have a wider circle of people we hang out with, including husbands and kids. Of my 3 best friends, one is from Pennsylvania, one from Massachusetts, and the other from North Carolina.

[Anonymous]

I have kind of given up. It's very hard for me to forge friendships. I know I keep everyone at arm's length. Doing social things feels like a burden. I am friendly with other women, but not close friends.

In my corner of the world, things are generally very cliquish. I know enough about some of the women that I question their judgment, even their sanity and values. Don't really want to hang out with them anyway.

[Anonymous]

You find out who your real friends when you have a crisis and put it out there in some capacity (Facebook, e-mail, etc.).

That is speaking from experience.

Most people don't know what friendship means. When you go to wake/funeral and people don't show up that when they are your "friends", that speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You find out who your real friends when you have a crisis and put it out there in some capacity (Facebook, e-mail, etc.).

That is speaking from experience.

Most people don't know what friendship means. When you go to wake/funeral and people don't show up that when they are your "friends", that speaks volumes.

You use facebook as a litmus test of your "true" friends?

How old and insecure are you?

[Anonymous]

I'm hijacking this thread to say that for me, I'm in a vicious circle. For that matter, so is my daughter, which makes it even worse. The lack of friends here makes us both depressed. Being depressed makes us lousy at making friends--or keeping them. We do activities--or rather, she does, I drive her to them-- but once there, she's always a little too old or too young. Or the only stranger. The parents all go and sit in their cars, or talk amongst themselves. If I was less depressed, I could navigate this, but I am not.

Since moving here, I've gone from being the parent everyone knew, to being that weird lady who dresses funny and always sits alone. I hate it. I hate it here.

I hope things change. Sorry. Just had to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an extroverted person and making friends comes easily.
I am also loyal and put in the work in friendships that they need to sustain. I make the phone calls, go out on a limb and invite people to things, return emails, I attend functions when its possible for me to and not flake out because its easier.

My 4 best friends are my mom, sister and two sister-in-laws.
We talk every single day.
I have friends from high school that I reach out to regularly. Some i've kept all along and some I reconnected with through Facebook after I had a child. They similarly had babies around the same time and we had that in common. We joined running (with stroller) groups, went mall walking, etc. You could reconnect with people on Facebook. Shoot them a message and ask to meet for coffee or wine or whatever suits you.

I have friends that I made through work. Most of them started out as drinking buddies pre-husband and pre-babies. We keep in touch and get together when we can. You can befriend someone at work the daily proximity makes it easy. Find someone that makes you laugh or that you enjoy their qualities and pursue something there.

You can make friends by joining sport teams or the gym.

Some of my closest friends lately have been wonderful families that I've met through my child's school. I pick DD up every night and make conversation with the other parents that are also there. I started by inviting one lady (and her child) that i thought looked nice and i enjoyed talking to, to go ice skating with me and my DD. This led to more get togethers, wine nights, family trips together.

Yes it is work but it's worthwhile.

Your situation is very atypical for most DCUM families. Many are not from around here, so no family support (which makes life way easier in general freeing up time for investing in friendships and maybe even free babysitting). And the network of friends from high school and pre-kids work are hard to replicate.

We moved here and had kids within 2 years so not much time to develop friends in that lets hang out spontaneity phase. Plus we live inner suburbs and work in DC, but all our co-workers live far away at least outside beltway so logistics is quite complicated to just meet up.

School seems like good option, but we find most folks already have friends from the earlier stages of their lives so we don't know how to break in. On top of our two working parent no support scenario which results in a constantly messy house and little free time for spontaneity.

Sounds like you have it good PP; I wish I grew up in a place I would have liked to stay and raise a family, or at least had professional jobs to give that option! Enjoy your good fortune.

Not my experience. I'm from Chicago and I have 3 best friends and then we have a wider circle of people we hang out with, including husbands and kids. Of my 3 best friends, one is from Pennsylvania, one from Massachusetts, and the other from North Carolina.

So to be clear, you made these friends from all the other states *AFTER* having kids and working full time? B/c my point was that most people around here seem to make a core circle of friends when they are young and not working, maybe even not married so can be spontaneous and hang out after work or join kickball league or what not.

B/c we work at nonprofits, we are unusual in living close on, all of our colleagues when we were childless commuted from far out (we live in Bethesda, but coworkers are in Gaithersburgs or PWC -- we traded off house size/quality to get an ok commute). So they tend to stay in their for off hoods and don't feel like driving in on weekends since they do it all week; we go out to visit, but it doesn't really foster close friendships b/c of distance and infrequency.

Making friends with school families and neighbors has been hard b/c we both WOH. We see the SAHMs meeting up after school drop off and heading out to coffee, and honestly I get a little jealous -- wish we could find a way to live off DH salary but that ship has sailed at this point. Meeting up with a mom for lunch is hard b/c my workday is very demanding and I tend to eat lunch at my desk if that.

Realistically, if you are working parents, how did you make good friends when the time you can even get to know people will be on a weekend around everyone's actvities (both families) and of course the pile of chores that pile up during the week? Going out on a saturday night is ok I guess, but when you hire a babysitter there's a jhard clock running in the background on how long it can go on.

We have invited over families where we like the parents a good deal and would like to get to know them, but haven't really had much reciprocation, and even when we do, it's several weeks later... at this pace a good friendship would take like 3 years to even get an ok foundation!

What are we doing wrong? One theory is that when we invite families over, perhaps we are too boring!?? Not sure how to fix that either

[Anonymous]

I second the "do what you like" posts. Join a club that interests you. Acquaintances will naturally come from that, some of them will turn into friends. It has everything to do with the amount of time you put into it. 2 years ago I had virtually no friends. I joined a womens golf league and now I have me many people and several of them have become friends. Same goes for the gym I go to. It does take some time to happen though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: B/c my point was that most people around here seem to make a core circle of friends when they are young and not working, maybe even not married so can be spontaneous and hang out after work or join kickball league or what not.

B/c we work at nonprofits, we are unusual in living close on, all of our colleagues when we were childless commuted from far out (we live in Bethesda, but coworkers are in Gaithersburgs or PWC -- we traded off house size/quality to get an ok commute). So they tend to stay in their for off hoods and don't feel like driving in on weekends since they do it all week; we go out to visit, but it doesn't really foster close friendships b/c of distance and infrequency.

Making friends with school families and neighbors has been hard b/c we both WOH. We see the SAHMs meeting up after school drop off and heading out to coffee, and honestly I get a little jealous -- wish we could find a way to live off DH salary but that ship has sailed at this point. Meeting up with a mom for lunch is hard b/c my workday is very demanding and I tend to eat lunch at my desk if that.

Realistically, if you are working parents, how did you make good friends when the time you can even get to know people will be on a weekend around everyone's actvities (both families) and of course the pile of chores that pile up during the week? Going out on a saturday night is ok I guess, but when you hire a babysitter there's a jhard clock running in the background on how long it can go on.

We have invited over families where we like the parents a good deal and would like to get to know them, but haven't really had much reciprocation, and even when we do, it's several weeks later... at this pace a good friendship would take like 3 years to even get an ok foundation!

What are we doing wrong? One theory is that when we invite families over, perhaps we are too boring!?? Not sure how to fix that either

I also work outside the home and a few pieces of advice. I think the family invites are going to be tough because this assumes the husbands get along, the kids get along, the wives get along AND the other family is organized enough and will enjoy hosting in return. Not to say that doesn't happen, but that is a tough for that to all line up and be a way of becoming friends. The better bet is everyone works on their friendships.

My DH for example loves baseball. He will go to games with co-workers and while we haven't worked up to it yet, he may coordinate with another dad to that they bring their kids to a National game and get tickets together. At various parent events, via small talk he figures out who has similar interests. My male co-workers with kids all have an outside interest. Two of them play sports and another is a musician. You just have to commit to each person having that one night during the work week to pursue an activity or in the case of the musician getting a weekend night. Right now, I have friends from a moms meet up group and we try to do a moms night out once a month. When the kids were younger we would meet 7:30 on a Tuesday night since the kids were almost in bed so it wasn't as much work for DH. I've tried book clubs but that wasn't my thing. I also volunteer at the school and am slooooowly getting to know other families that way. When I've seen and chatted with people for a few times I feel comfortable enough to arrange carpools, invite kids over or suggest a meetup spot like the park or iceskating, and now the kids are at the age for sleepovers. While I wouldn't say I'm best friends with the other parents it is helping my kids get to spend time with their friends and if there is an area of interest among the parents like taking the same class at a gym or cooking etc, one parents may suggest that a few people try it together. During small talk with other parents, I do try to get an idea of how full someone's dance card might be so to speak. While not always the case, usually if someone went to high school or college in this area they already have a circle of friends and aren't motivated to make new friends unless their friends don't live nearby or have kids.

Did want to add that weekend get togthers are tough because of errands and kids activities. I usually want to rest or spend time with my family. I'm also not going to want to hire a babysitter to go out with people I don't know well. I would rather have a date night with my spouse. If I'm actually friends already, we might do so but even that isn't common because we don't have our Kelly and Deacon (King of Queens where wives are BFF and husbands are also best friends)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, I think it's like money. You need friends to make friends. Once you have friends, it's like you have the seal of approval and can make more. If you don't have friends, people kind of don't know what to make of you and won't go out on a limb to talk to you. There is a prejudice against loners.

Interesting perspective. There seems to be something to it. I see it happen in the workplace. It's almost like grade school all over again.

I don't thinks is true at all. Maybe in certain toxic environments, I suppose.

I think it's more like dating. Strike up a casual conversation at the park, school pick up , whatever. After a couple conversations ask if she wants to do a play date and you guys can chat. If you have no kids and you run into the same person a couple times say, "do you want to get coffee sometime?" I have made several good friends this way.

I give out my number this way all the time. Honestly 3/4 are snubs but that's not too bad considering that I still make a few friends.

[Anonymous]

When I was single I was great about doing a ton of stuff with my friends. Once I met my husband, I got busy with him and still saw my friends from time to time, but not as often as before. Now that we have a 16 son, I barely see them at all. Both my family and my husband's family are here, so we are constantly doing family stuff on the weekends. Between work and family obligations, I really don't have the time or energy for friends, let along making new ones. I really would like to make some mom friends, but I just haven't had the mental energy to make the effort. Someday I hope to be able to do this again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm hijacking this thread to say that for me, I'm in a vicious circle. For that matter, so is my daughter, which makes it even worse. The lack of friends here makes us both depressed. Being depressed makes us lousy at making friends--or keeping them. We do activities--or rather, she does, I drive her to them-- but once there, she's always a little too old or too young. Or the only stranger. The parents all go and sit in their cars, or talk amongst themselves. If I was less depressed, I could navigate this, but I am not.

Since moving here, I've gone from being the parent everyone knew, to being that weird lady who dresses funny and always sits alone. I hate it. I hate it here.

I hope things change. Sorry. Just had to vent.

I am living something kind of similar

[Anonymous]

DC metro area seems horrendous for making friends. I can't wait to get out of here.

[Anonymous]

It helps knowing it's not just me. I am at this point where I regret all the choices I made moving here. We live in a remote part of dc, and I think it would be better if that wasn't true.