My bf is perfect on paper: just have a gut feeling it isn't right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand it. I met my bf 3 years ago and we are 27 years old. He has not proposed yet even though he always says he will. I am always paranoid that he has not because he doesn't want to. He says he really wants to but he needs time to save for the ring. I also only met his parents 1 year after we dated. He would keep me away from his family because I am black and he says his mother is racist. We finally met and she was kind of a drunken mess and asked me awkward questions. Since then, she has tried to be nice and invites me over to their house and has offered to take me dress shopping with his sister for an upcoming wedding of his friend's that I am invited to.

Things seem like they're coming around...I just have this sinking feeling that something's off.

Am I being paranoid?

Do you feel your bf is being evasive about his family?

Hm not exactly. I think what makes me really uncomfortable is his relationship with his mother. Along with her extremely conservative/slightly racist /bigoted views, she's very overbearing with a tight leash on her children. My bf is 27 years old but she still treats him like he is in middle school. And for the most part, my bf is independent; he dates me and is going ahead full throttle despite her hesitations; but overall I sense that he wants to please her badly. Not in all or every thing, but in most things.it makes me feel really uncomfortable and as if he isn't his own person and like a clone of her or something. I want to feel like I'm with my man but sometimes when I'm around him I think of his mother!

She's also very dependent on him and is constantly texting and calling him. Sometimes I feel like he already has a girlfriend in her in a way. So I feel like I'm in competition with her and that I have to prove myself to her instead of proving to him that I'm a good woman. Haha does that make any sense?

Does he have any other siblings? Is she like this with her other children.

I have a fairly overbearing mother, but I beyond being polite and dealing with her occasional "I need xyz" I don't really take her that seriously. My other siblings moved far away before I was old enough to leave the house and only visit on occasion, so I got stuck with her almost by default.

Yes. He has a sister. Her life is also very controlled, more so because she isn't as assertive or rebellious as her brother.

[Anonymous]

Sorry didn't read through, but could you define what you mean by perfect on paper?

Relationships aren't all about ticking boxes.

I say this as someone who has btdt. You do not need to pressure yourself to be married by 30 . I did that ended up getting engaged to perfect on paper and ignored my gut 5 years and a messy break up later I met my husband who is not so perfect on paper or at least what I thought was perfect, but he is exactly what I need, and I feel so lucky to have found him and have him in my life.
Also, if you marry his family becomes yours in every sense. You will be involved with them way more than you can imagine. Don't take their initial behavior lightly.

Even if he were to put up boundaries or cut off contact he could easily end up resenting you before that.

To echo the others go with your gut.
Trust me when I say your real Mr. Perfect is out there.