2nd wives: If DH came from low/no sex 1st marriage, how often do you feel you can turn him down?

[Anonymous]

Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that increases libido. You should both ask your doctors about it. It also can help with weight loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

How much Zoloft and Wellbutrin are you on? I'm on the same combo and my libido has not returned. I take 150mg of Zoloft and 300mg of Wellbutrin.
Thanks

I am on a lower dose; 100mg Wellbutrin and 50mg Zoloft. Good luck, it's such a difficult thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

This would be true for most couples during periods of normal sexual appetite. However, when the woman is not interested 95% of the time, empowering her to indicate she IS interested can prevent the frustration of repeatedly having to turn the man down.

And anyway, try to be a little more creative. The woman indicating she's in the mood doesn't have to mean the man isn't showing desire for her. During my dry spell, I'd let DH know before dinner that I would be interested and he would make the physical moves later in the evening. The dynamic you reference remained intact and he didn't have to initiate a lot of sex I was going to turn down. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

This would be true for most couples during periods of normal sexual appetite. However, when the woman is not interested 95% of the time, empowering her to indicate she IS interested can prevent the frustration of repeatedly having to turn the man down.

And anyway, try to be a little more creative. The woman indicating she's in the mood doesn't have to mean the man isn't showing desire for her. During my dry spell, I'd let DH know before dinner that I would be interested and he would make the physical moves later in the evening. The dynamic you reference remained intact and he didn't have to initiate a lot of sex I was going to turn down. Win-win.

How in the world would you know that you'd be interested after dinner? And if you had that much control over your interest, couldn't you be interested most times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

This would be true for most couples during periods of normal sexual appetite. However, when the woman is not interested 95% of the time, empowering her to indicate she IS interested can prevent the frustration of repeatedly having to turn the man down.

And anyway, try to be a little more creative. The woman indicating she's in the mood doesn't have to mean the man isn't showing desire for her. During my dry spell, I'd let DH know before dinner that I would be interested and he would make the physical moves later in the evening. The dynamic you reference remained intact and he didn't have to initiate a lot of sex I was going to turn down. Win-win.

How in the world would you know that you'd be interested after dinner? And if you had that much control over your interest, couldn't you be interested most times?

If I'm horny at 5pm, I'm going to be horny at 8pm too. Obviously.

And no, shockingly, I do not have control over my body's desire, or lack of, for sex.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's just not good in bed...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If I'm horny at 5pm, I'm going to be horny at 8pm too. Obviously.
.

Obviously? Three hours is plenty of time for my wife to go from horny to not-a-chance. Any damn thing can put her out of the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend is married to a guy whose first wife shut him down completely after their second child was born. She is having her own low libido issues due to an anti-depressant and feels like she can't turn him down except when she has her period. I think turning him down twice, even three times in a row in one week is not unreasonable.

Two and three times per week of shut down? That's pretty shitty. Seems like you only encourage that so you don't feel like the only bad guy. "See? My friend does it too!!!1"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Always turns into sex" --- I had my wife use that line on me when it wasn't remotely true. She just ignored the physical touch that didn't turn into sex and only noticed (negatively) the ones where I did try to initiate.

The bitches who always say shit like, "you just want me for the sex" never realize how untrue that statement is, considering the shitty amount of sex in said relationship. If we just wanted the sex, we'd have left your ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Always turns into sex" --- I had my wife use that line on me when it wasn't remotely true. She just ignored the physical touch that didn't turn into sex and only noticed (negatively) the ones where I did try to initiate.

The bitches who always say shit like, "you just want me for the sex" never realize how untrue that statement is, considering the shitty amount of sex in said relationship. If we just wanted the sex, we'd have left your ass.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Always turns into sex" --- I had my wife use that line on me when it wasn't remotely true. She just ignored the physical touch that didn't turn into sex and only noticed (negatively) the ones where I did try to initiate.

The bitches who always say shit like, "you just want me for the sex" never realize how untrue that statement is, considering the shitty amount of sex in said relationship. If we just wanted the sex, we'd have left your ass.

Ah, yes, I can't imagine why you aren't getting more interest from the "bitches".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If I'm horny at 5pm, I'm going to be horny at 8pm too. Obviously.
.

Obviously? Three hours is plenty of time for my wife to go from horny to not-a-chance. Any damn thing can put her out of the mood.

Fair enough. I know that for myself, once I'm horny I will be until we have sex, which I suppose is a great advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If I'm horny at 5pm, I'm going to be horny at 8pm too. Obviously.
.

Obviously? Three hours is plenty of time for my wife to go from horny to not-a-chance. Any damn thing can put her out of the mood.

Fair enough. I know that for myself, once I'm horny I will be until we have sex, which I suppose is a great advantage.

That would make things much easier!

[Anonymous]

My DH turns me down daily! It sucks! I'm attractive-size 4, nice large tits, and always ready to.... DH is extremely low libido. I used think he was gay-maybe he is. We have three kids, never kiss-unless I inititate, and never have sex. So, please stop acting like its a DW thing.
OP, tell your friend to switch meds if need be-sex is a basic need and a spouse should never withhold it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH turns me down daily! It sucks! I'm attractive-size 4, nice large tits, and always ready to.... DH is extremely low libido. I used think he was gay-maybe he is. We have three kids, never kiss-unless I inititate, and never have sex. So, please stop acting like its a DW thing.
OP, tell your friend to switch meds if need be-sex is a basic need and a spouse should never withhold it!

And depression literally kills people. How about spouses supporting one another and recognizing that 1) this is unlikely to be a permanent situation and 2) your spouse's health is paramount. The situation relayed has NOTHING to do with your inability to understand your husband's sexual preferences - why don't you ask him? Or leave him? Since it's a "basic need" and all. Money too good? That's a much more important basic need, so I'm not judging.