2nd wives: If DH came from low/no sex 1st marriage, how often do you feel you can turn him down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never get involved with a man who blamed the break-up of a marriage/relationship on lack of sex. I'm not in a sexless marriage and I don't ever intend to be, but if I were dealing with a medical issue such as depression that killed my sex drive, I wouldn't want the worry on top of it that my husband was going to leave me over it.

Excuses, they make lube

BS. So not the point.

[Anonymous]

I turn down my husband about once every three months. And that's usually because he's kept me up two or three nights in a row and messed up my sleep badly. I will prioritize sleep over sex when my deficit gets that bad.

Otherwise, even if I'm not in the mood, I have sex and usually get into it and enjoy it just fine. We have sex about three times a week.

[Anonymous]

She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

How much Zoloft and Wellbutrin are you on? I'm on the same combo and my libido has not returned. I take 150mg of Zoloft and 300mg of Wellbutrin.
Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

There is a difference between libido (=the drive to have sex) versus sexual aversion (the drive to NOT have sex).
These drugs certainly reduce your libido, which means YOU won't be thinking about sex or craving to have sex as often.
But these drugs do NOT create an aversion to sex, which means that you won't suddenly dislike having sex as a physical act.

Explain again why can't she just have sex on a regular/normal basis, even if her drug-induced sex drive would otherwise lead to an abnormally reduced frequency? I'd say if she is willing to make him suffer through a sexual drought far below a normal level, even though she'd still find sex physically pleasurable despite not thinking about it, that says alot about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

But for the low libido wife it is the constant desire for her that she can't stand.

[Anonymous]

As a rule, I don't atone for other women's sins. If he is traumatized by the lack of sex in his first marriage, he needs to work on that, but I am not going to have sex when I don't feel like it because his feelings were hurt by another woman. Just like he doesn't get to control my spending, or track my whereabouts, or put me on a diet just because his previous wives were financially irresponsible, cheated, or were fat.

Having said that, I married someone to whom I am well-matched, including sexually. I rarely turn him down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a rule, I don't atone for other women's sins. If he is traumatized by the lack of sex in his first marriage, he needs to work on that, but I am not going to have sex when I don't feel like it because his feelings were hurt by another woman. Just like he doesn't get to control my spending, or track my whereabouts, or put me on a diet just because his previous wives were financially irresponsible, cheated, or were fat.

Having said that, I married someone to whom I am well-matched, including sexually. I rarely turn him down.

agree. I have a DH with a first marriage that ended sexless and don't think about it in terms of what I do or don't owe him sexually. different marriage, different circumstances. Sounds like OP's friend and her DH need much stronger communication on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never turn down on both sides

2X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

This is so true. My marriage ended because I initiated 98% of the time. My ex H simply did not understand that I couldn't keep it up without a huge crushing blow to my ego. I put up with it for over 10 years, we went to counseling and then I found someone who initiated more than half the time. Sad but that's the way it played out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

But for the low libido wife it is the constant desire for her that she can't stand.

So freaking jealous of women whose men want them constantly.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. As I said, I don't know the husband's side so I don't want to label him an insensitive brute. I actually think she's gotta take some responsibility for saying no and not just letting it happen when she doesn't want to.
I've felt mildly guilty about turning down my partner more than usual but then my own relationship doesn't have the issue of the sexless prior marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

There is a difference between libido (=the drive to have sex) versus sexual aversion (the drive to NOT have sex).
These drugs certainly reduce your libido, which means YOU won't be thinking about sex or craving to have sex as often.
But these drugs do NOT create an aversion to sex, which means that you won't suddenly dislike having sex as a physical act.

Explain again why can't she just have sex on a regular/normal basis, even if her drug-induced sex drive would otherwise lead to an abnormally reduced frequency? I'd say if she is willing to make him suffer through a sexual drought far below a normal level, even though she'd still find sex physically pleasurable despite not thinking about it, that says alot about her.

You don't understand women very well, huh? Not a lot of experience with us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

But for the low libido wife it is the constant desire for her that she can't stand.

So freaking jealous of women whose men want them constantly.

So freaking jealous of men whose women don't constantly avoid or reject sex.