In-laws left kids with sitter - ok or not?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids and why couldn't they go out to eat too?

Yeah I'd be upset.

[Anonymous]

Wouldn't care. I wouldn't leave my kids with my ILs (or my parents), unless I trusted their judgment, and that includes judgment with regard to hiring sitters.

Also, OP, you have to realize if you raise this, you may find that you lost your IL taking care of your kids for good. You may be OK with it, but something to be aware of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they asked to take the kids for a few days (which we LOVE obviously) and they're about an hour away.

If they'd told me in advance is probably have been okay with it? I might have asked how long they knew the sitter and who it was - like is it a lifelong friend or some lady they heard about from a neighbor?

I'm sort of torn. I'm pretty careful about who I leave my kids with, but I get that they're a ton of work. As an aside, they have a history of doing things I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. Like bringing a 2 year old home with sparkler burns or putting my tiny 7 year old in the front seat of a pickup without a booster.

I would not have let them watch my kids ever after the booster thing.

+1. Strike 3--they're out. I would not leave my children with them again. Find another sitter that you can trust.

Agree completely. Sparkler burns? Seriously? That would have been strike one and you're out, for me.

OP, I'm curious: What was the reasoning for letting the grandparents take them after the first two incidents (sparkler and booster seat)? Maybe you talked with them, explained how sparklers are utterly inappropriate, how the 7-year-old must be in a proper seat or doesn't go in the vehicle, etc. and they responded with contrition that they understand now and won't do those things again -- Is that how it worked out? If that's what happened, they likely are going to be baffled when you say, "I know you meant well and thought it was due diligence to get a sitter, but if DH and I don't know that sitter at all--we have an issue with it." In fact -- this is for your husband to say, NOT you. He has to deal with his own parents.

I think they probably are from a generation where car seats weren't used, sparklers were handed to toddlers, sitters were any vague acquaintance or next-door teen who was available. They might say "Next time we won't do it" but something else will come up. If you and your husband are not comfortable with the kids being left in their care after these THREE red flags, then don't leave your kids in their care. Your husband is going to have to figure out how he will tell them this, because they are otherwise OK (other than lack of common sense), right? I would not necessarily do a huge talk with them at all, but probably would just start making all visits family visits, no more overnights unless one of you is there and if they ask to "take the kids," reply, "That doesn't work for us, but DH will bring them this weekend and stay to visit with you." Whatever.

And before someone does the inevitable snarky DCUM post about how "WE grew up with no car seats and we used sparklers and had no sitters and WE survived it!" -- OP, you know that's right up there with "We didn't have seat belts back in the day and I lived!" Ignore it. Just stop leaving the kids totally in their care for any longer than an afternoon, when it's clear they will not drive the kids places or leave them with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

OP- my MIL would totally do something like that. DH and I have already agreed our kids will never stay overnight with her (our first is still a baby, so it hasn't come up yet). The only time MIL has ever babysat, my then 4 month old woke up in the evening and wouldn't go back to sleep, so MIL just put her in the crib and let her cry herself back to sleep (while she went and watched tv with the volume up- our niece busted her when we got home). Thinking about it still gives me heartburn. Strike one and out. If you don't trust someone, don't leave your kids with them, even if they are family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- my MIL would totally do something like that. DH and I have already agreed our kids will never stay overnight with her (our first is still a baby, so it hasn't come up yet). The only time MIL has ever babysat, my then 4 month old woke up in the evening and wouldn't go back to sleep, so MIL just put her in the crib and let her cry herself back to sleep (while she went and watched tv with the volume up- our niece busted her when we got home). Thinking about it still gives me heartburn. Strike one and out. If you don't trust someone, don't leave your kids with them, even if they are family.

PP's post highlights something - you need to discuss all the important details with whichever family member you leave your kid with, just as if it was the babysitter. If you don't want your MIL to use CIO or have a babysitter or give formula or whatever it is, TELL THEM. They can't read your mind. Especially since parents are from a different generation and will often have different idea of what's acceptable to do with a child.

OP - did you ever tell you parents no babysitters? If not, how do you expect them to read your mind? Even in this thread, it's clear some parents would mind and others wouldn't, so it's not something people would automatically know not to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they asked to take the kids for a few days (which we LOVE obviously) and they're about an hour away.

If they'd told me in advance is probably have been okay with it? I might have asked how long they knew the sitter and who it was - like is it a lifelong friend or some lady they heard about from a neighbor?

I'm sort of torn. I'm pretty careful about who I leave my kids with, but I get that they're a ton of work. As an aside, they have a history of doing things I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. Like bringing a 2 year old home with sparkler burns or putting my tiny 7 year old in the front seat of a pickup without a booster.

Wait, what? You let your kids stay with the ILs after those occurrences? You have got to be kidding.

[Anonymous]

Not babysitting form here out, OP. I don't know why you ket them watch your kids for days after the burns and car ride, but that's over and done with now.

My ILs were watching DC1 when DH and I took DC2 to a medical appointment. Something happened between them and DC1 involving yelling at DC1 and leaving her in tears that MIL and FIL never really clarified. They wouldn't give us a straight answer and that day we decided never to leave them alone with DCs again.

[Anonymous]

form = from

[Anonymous]

OP here again. So FYI the kids are 4 and 7. The 7 year old came home with a couple tiny sparkler burns when she was about 2 and a half. So there were about four years without incident, but PP's who mentioned that whole "they're from a prior era thing" are totally right. We honestly try to give them some guidelines without seeming like it's a huge list of rules, but who could anticipate how stupid they can be sometimes? We do try to control things, but of course the kids love to see their grandparents. And it always happens that we find out about these things way after the fact and through my older child' snitching which is hardly 100% reliable. I'm towards the control freak end of the spectrum and I think the grandparents always do things that really annoy me, but I think this might be the last straw with me for this set because there's just always something...

Appreciate all the honest feedback. It's nice to get outside perspective on these things.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound like a control freak at all. You sound lazy.

[Anonymous]

I think they should have permission from the parents. Parents should always know who is watching and caring for their children. Then you can make other arrangements if you aren't comfortable with the situation.

I would be upset about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious about how others feel about this - my in laws took the kids for a few nights and it seems they left the kids with a sitter for a night to go out to dinner. Would you be okay with that or not? My husband looked pretty PO-ed when it came up last night and I'm curious about what other think.

If my IL's offered to take the kids for a few nights, I would be doing backflips. Let's keep things in perspective, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they asked to take the kids for a few days (which we LOVE obviously) and they're about an hour away.

If they'd told me in advance is probably have been okay with it? I might have asked how long they knew the sitter and who it was - like is it a lifelong friend or some lady they heard about from a neighbor?

I'm sort of torn. I'm pretty careful about who I leave my kids with, but I get that they're a ton of work. As an aside, they have a history of doing things I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. Like bringing a 2 year old home with sparkler burns or putting my tiny 7 year old in the front seat of a pickup without a booster.

Wait, you in-laws took the kids for a few days (I assume to spend time with them), and they took a night off to go out to dinner? They can go out to dinner any time they want when not having 100% responsibility for their grand-kids. Which, according to you OP, they asked for. Why on earth would they choose to go out to dinner. Poor choice on their part IMO. Plus, I would not be OK if my kids were left with a stranger (yes, grandparents sitter would be a stranger to me). This is not ok. My kids would not be allowed to go to grandparents home alone again until they were able to legally stay home by themselves.

[Anonymous]

Earlier pp. If your ILs needed a break from the kids and they thought this was a way to do that, I would limit how long ILs have them.

[Anonymous]

Unacceptable to me and DH. We expect when we leave our kids with someone, THAT is who they are with.