Judgmental inlaw question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You went to an IVy League school but have zero communication skills.
Pretend this is a co-worker, a colleague, a client. How would you handle an unpleasant professional situation?

Hint: clear boundaries, confident demeanor.

PP's have given you good advice, you keep coming back with "but it's so haaard!"

This. It's his family. He's still buying in to this. That's his problem. Let him answer.

[Anonymous]

sounds like you have tiger in-laws! do you drink? one way to have some fun is a secret drinking game. every time "ivy league" or whatever buzz words are thrown out, u are allowed to have a drink later. since they are unlikely to change, you've gotta learn to amuse yourself with their hawkish behavior.

BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ this is OP.

Forgot to mention that they mistakenly believe the kids were accepted into their charter after a lengthy testing process. I even got a gift certificate for a spa and a thank you note for assisting my child in achieving greatness. It was just a lucky lottery draw! I am not saying anything. ?

LOL priceless. You need to talk to DH and make sure he's on the same page... he should stand up for you and not give in to his parents or feel guilted by them. Also, the "reward" is hilariously great, but seriously? It seems a little demeaning to me that your ILs (I'm guessing it's more the MIL than FIL, no?) feel they need to give you rewards/incentives to help your kids succeed. That's ridiculous. Talk to DH, and get them to butt out. Do they live close? I would limit contact until they can behave and treat you like an adult and let you be the parent to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You went to an IVy League school but have zero communication skills.
Pretend this is a co-worker, a colleague, a client. How would you handle an unpleasant professional situation?

Hint: clear boundaries, confident demeanor.

PP's have given you good advice, you keep coming back with "but it's so haaard!"

This. It's his family. He's still buying in to this. That's his problem. Let him answer.

Exactly! I can't tell you how many times I've said to ILs "I don't know, you'll need to ask/talk to DH about that".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh loud and long every time they started that BS and then I would answer them facetiously.

Them: What would you if Larlo got a B in a HS class?
Me: Run him down with my car.

Them: What instrument is Larla going to play?
Me: The triangle.

Them: How do you plan to become more involved in the children's schooling?
Me: I am organizing the beer truck for the school picnic so I am very involved.

This made me laugh. You sound fun, PP.

For OP, I'm not Asian and I have Asian in-laws. I hope your husband isn't the eldest son, for your sake, because this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think some PPs don't realize how different the boundaries (as in there are no boundaries) and ways of doing things are in the cultures. You will always be seen as stubborn and rebellious by them, because you don't do things their way, and they feel a deep responsibility to correct you and oversee the kids and make them successful. Just be pleasant about it and do your own thing. What I do a lot is play the cultural card. I say I do things the American way, and laugh and shrug. I do let them know we all want the kids to succeed, the family to succeed and be happy, etc. Try to remember that their ways are as natural and right to them as your ways are to you. Your big issues to work out are with your husband, so you can both understand and accept these differences and bridge them.

[Anonymous]

Exactly PP. I am Asian so I get the cultural dynamics and no boundaries, but I do not buy into the "pleasing the parents." Your DH sounds like he's drunk the kool-aid a bit. I would make your DH deal with his parents and if they push on an issue, I would try some of the PP's suggestions and/or say "oh, DH is in charge of that issue, you'll have to talk to him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh loud and long every time they started that BS and then I would answer them facetiously.

Them: What would you if Larlo got a B in a HS class?
Me: Run him down with my car.

Them: What instrument is Larla going to play?
Me: The triangle.

Them: How do you plan to become more involved in the children's schooling?
Me: I am organizing the beer truck for the school picnic so I am very involved.

This made me laugh. You sound fun, PP.

For OP, I'm not Asian and I have Asian in-laws. I hope your husband isn't the eldest son, for your sake, because this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think some PPs don't realize how different the boundaries (as in there are no boundaries) and ways of doing things are in the cultures. You will always be seen as stubborn and rebellious by them, because you don't do things their way, and they feel a deep responsibility to correct you and oversee the kids and make them successful. Just be pleasant about it and do your own thing. What I do a lot is play the cultural card. I say I do things the American way, and laugh and shrug. I do let them know we all want the kids to succeed, the family to succeed and be happy, etc. Try to remember that their ways are as natural and right to them as your ways are to you. Your big issues to work out are with your husband, so you can both understand and accept these differences and bridge them.

Thank you for this excellent advice PP.

My husband is their eldest son, their "diamond" who is the most successful and fulfilled their Ivy League dreams first. They do in fact perceive me as rebellious and stubborn because I've pushed back the most. If i hadn't gone to an Ivy League school myself they would doubtlessly hate and mistrust me, but since the kids are doing well and fulfilling all of my Inlaws' expectations (because those are my expectations too), I am given a little bit of leeway.

It is just frustrating that at one point my Inlaws will sit down and go through their expectations. My husband thinks that since they live so far away and raised successful children we can suck it up. I'm fine with a little bit, but I don't appreciate my Inlaws emailing me articles on healthy organic lunches to feed my kids, ideas on what musical instruments the kids should play, school enrichment brochures etc. I do feed my kids very well already, I know breastfeeding is supposedly better, and yes I get that kids probably do better with a stay at home mom. But I can't always do everything they want. I'm glad to know from other posters that this isn't even expected no matter how much they act like it is.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to send you some hugs OP. I'm in a similar situation as you. Indian inlaws, first born 'golden' son is my husband and my MIL is CONSTANTLY offering unsolicited advice and not respecting my decisions to do what's in the best interest of the kids. I realized I can't change them and try to just ignore it and deflect it to my husband to deal with. But boy is it annoying!!

[Anonymous]

Can I honestly ask what you would do if your kids no longer "lived up to expectations"? You sound totally rational so I would hope that you would be able to still be loving and a good parent to a kid that has struggles that perhaps you don't (not everyone is an academic all star, or if something happens to them and they can no longer be on the same trajectory they are on now). Would your in laws be cold, dismissive, abusive etc? I'd be damn sure I wouldn't put up with that if I were you.

Since that isn't the case now you could either continue to not open emails and ignore- as DH says or you could maybe try a different/ non-combative tactic, since people like your inlaws sound like they are spoiling for a fight. You could come at them from a place that says, its hard being a parent you appreciate how much they care, but that constant talk about it is akin to hurting your feelings or something like that. Humble yourself (even if its fake)- sure they might feel like they "won" or that you are weak or whatever but if they feel like they are actively hurting you they might at least ease up a bit, and who cares what the reason is? Figure a totally new approach might work, it might just make them think you are crazy or whatever but you'd be no worse off.

[Anonymous]

I would just delete those emails. Does she send them to DH or just you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I honestly ask what you would do if your kids no longer "lived up to expectations"? You sound totally rational so I would hope that you would be able to still be loving and a good parent to a kid that has struggles that perhaps you don't (not everyone is an academic all star, or if something happens to them and they can no longer be on the same trajectory they are on now). Would your in laws be cold, dismissive, abusive etc? I'd be damn sure I wouldn't put up with that if I were you.

Since that isn't the case now you could either continue to not open emails and ignore- as DH says or you could maybe try a different/ non-combative tactic, since people like your inlaws sound like they are spoiling for a fight. You could come at them from a place that says, its hard being a parent you appreciate how much they care, but that constant talk about it is akin to hurting your feelings or something like that. Humble yourself (even if its fake)- sure they might feel like they "won" or that you are weak or whatever but if they feel like they are actively hurting you they might at least ease up a bit, and who cares what the reason is? Figure a totally new approach might work, it might just make them think you are crazy or whatever but you'd be no worse off.

Thanks for your warm, thought-provoking comment.

My sister never did very well in school. She had a few disabilities, and ended up taking 9 years to graduate from a not very prestigious school. My parents were great about not making her feel bad, and being as proud of her as they were of me. I totally understand that my kids may end up with the same disabilities as my sister, and am okay with that. In fact, if my kids don't want the hyper academic track even if they have the ability to do so, I will be fine too. I want them to be proud of what they're doing, not doing something because they're afraid to go for something I might not like.

I don't know what my inlaws would do. They don't know too much about my family aside from sniffing their noses once they realized I was the first person in my family to graduate from college, much less graduate school. They once tried "warning" me about following some advice my mom gave me, implying that there was a chance our kids would end up like my sister. BTW - my sister is an incredibly happy person, and got a great job in retail. Sure she's not performing heart surgery, but she's happy and following her own path.

Believe it or not, it's not so much my mother in law but my FATHER in law who loves to send emails and make comments. I truly believe he means well, but it definitely grates on me. I think if I did cry and say he's hurting my feelings they would immediately stop for maybe a few months. I also forgot to mention that my inlaws don't have other grandchildren, so maybe this will change if that happens. But the reality is that my husband is their golden child. As much as they think I'm rebellious and stubborn, I'm their golden daughter in law too. I just don't want them to think they can ever dictate how we are raising our children. I am also troubled that they've put me in a "mother" category and basically act like anything I do for my career is just selfish and I should be with the kids at all times, preparing them for their inevitable ivy league future.

I really appreciate all the posters who explained that this is not unusual. I don't really complain about my inlaws with my friends, so I really thought they were just really weird.

And my husband AND I both told my inlaws that the lottery was just a lottery. But they remember the school visits and applications, and somehow decided that I had prepared the children for some lengthy tests. I honestly have no idea how the message got garbled (maybe because it was during another interrogation and I had clearly checked out of the conversation?), but they somehow got confused with private school applications and think that it was because I quizzed the kids appropriately. I am not going to tell them as I think it would humiliate my inlaws (how could they have gotten something wrong? impossible!).

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate all the tips and advice, especially from other Asian families!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to send you some hugs OP. I'm in a similar situation as you. Indian inlaws, first born 'golden' son is my husband and my MIL is CONSTANTLY offering unsolicited advice and not respecting my decisions to do what's in the best interest of the kids. I realized I can't change them and try to just ignore it and deflect it to my husband to deal with. But boy is it annoying!!

I am Indian and DH is Indian. My parents don't meddle or criticize but DH's do. While some of it is definitely cultural, I think I have a leg up because I can tell when people are just being meddlesome jerks. Also, you can choose to not engage in annoying behavior, even if it is cultural.

I sometimes just pretend my ILs aren't even there and that works pretty well.

[Anonymous]

I think you sound reasonable and generous, OP. If it were me, I would have lost my mind years ago.

I have experienced my own parents' disappointment despite always trying my best and accomplishing what I thought was significant, but was never as good as my siblings. I want to protect my children from any family whose affection or appreciation is based on children meeting specific objectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds like you have tiger in-laws! do you drink? one way to have some fun is a secret drinking game. every time "ivy league" or whatever buzz words are thrown out, u are allowed to have a drink later. since they are unlikely to change, you've gotta learn to amuse yourself with their hawkish behavior.

BTDT

Geez, that would be a LOT of drinks. Around here, I'd add a drink for every reference to TJ. You might as well buy a distillery at that point. But seriously, at least they care, in their own way. In laws who don't care are far worse.

[Anonymous]

Just refer them to your husband on everything. Maybe he will figure out that he needs to address it if it's taking up so much of his time.

Fwiw, I'm S Asian and DH is Asian. I find it works well to just agree with everything and then do what I want. Act like I'm checking email or something important if it keeps going.