Judgmental inlaw question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You went to an IVy League school but have zero communication skills.
Pretend this is a co-worker, a colleague, a client. How would you handle an unpleasant professional situation?

Hint: clear boundaries, confident demeanor.

PP's have given you good advice, you keep coming back with "but it's so haaard!"

Would you relax? She is venting!

OP, I hear you. I am cracking up about how they sent you the spa gift certificate for getting into the charter. Enjoy that spa day, you earned it by being so patient with their questioning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ this is OP.

Forgot to mention that they mistakenly believe the kids were accepted into their charter after a lengthy testing process. I even got a gift certificate for a spa and a thank you note for assisting my child in achieving greatness. It was just a lucky lottery draw! I am not saying anything. ?

You are doing your children a dis-service. You should have set them straight. "Gloria, DS and DD got into the charter school because their names were picked through a lottery system. There's no testing process."

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you may want to take at least half of their suggestions and follow through on them. I think I would be amused! As long as they pay for classes and instruments and gear and books and what not, I am all for advice and guidance!

[Anonymous]

PP here: so I would be like:
them: so, what sport is DS playing right now?
Me: oh I am thinking tennis but I need to order the shoes and raquet
Them: What shoe size is he? The tennis shoes will be in the mail shortly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ this is OP.

Forgot to mention that they mistakenly believe the kids were accepted into their charter after a lengthy testing process. I even got a gift certificate for a spa and a thank you note for assisting my child in achieving greatness. It was just a lucky lottery draw! I am not saying anything. ?

You are doing your children a dis-service. You should have set them straight. "Gloria, DS and DD got into the charter school because their names were picked through a lottery system. There's no testing process."

Fuck that. Op, I hope you had the loveliest spa day in all the land!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ this is OP.

Forgot to mention that they mistakenly believe the kids were accepted into their charter after a lengthy testing process. I even got a gift certificate for a spa and a thank you note for assisting my child in achieving greatness. It was just a lucky lottery draw! I am not saying anything. ?

You are doing your children a dis-service. You should have set them straight. "Gloria, DS and DD got into the charter school because their names were picked through a lottery system. There's no testing process."

Fuck that. Op, I hope you had the loveliest spa day in all the land!!!

Thanks! I am going to schedule it after their visit!
Op

[Anonymous]

I am venting really because humor doesn't work when you're the only one who finds it remotely funny.

Remember that my husband doesn't think there is anything weird or wrong with them doing this. So when I've told my Inlaws that I'm not going to be interrogated, my husband was very upset with me and actually wanted me to apologize. I did one of those "sorry you're upset" apologies, and they quickly restarted their questioning process.

They don't actually pay for much, but I think the PP who suggested milking them a bit was sort of genius. I don't think about ways to benefit from their interrogation because I just want it to end!

The crazy thing is that fundamentally I agree with a lot of their ideas, but I don't like feeling like a child. I don't think they have all the answers.

I think I'll continue sucking it up, but I am going to see if I can score some good big ticket gifts for the kids and myself. Haha!

[Anonymous]

I have Indian in-laws and my MIL does this as well. I really, genuinely try to find what topics she has useful advice I can implement, I do that, and report back to her how well it's worked out and I thank her. I ignore the rest.

Yes, it's somewhat cultural but I don't think any reaonsable person expects 100% compliance with their suggestions/instructions. So aim to comply with what you think is actually good advice, talk that up, and take a pass on the rest. You can just acknowledge the suggestion "hm, interesting idea" or if they really pester you as to why you haven't started such & such literacy program with your preschooler, say "actually, we've decided DH is in charge of that topic. I'll let him know you're interested" when you need the subject dropped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am venting really because humor doesn't work when you're the only one who finds it remotely funny.

Remember that my husband doesn't think there is anything weird or wrong with them doing this. So when I've told my Inlaws that I'm not going to be interrogated, my husband was very upset with me and actually wanted me to apologize. I did one of those "sorry you're upset" apologies, and they quickly restarted their questioning process.

They don't actually pay for much, but I think the PP who suggested milking them a bit was sort of genius. I don't think about ways to benefit from their interrogation because I just want it to end!

The crazy thing is that fundamentally I agree with a lot of their ideas, but I don't like feeling like a child. I don't think they have all the answers.

I think I'll continue sucking it up, but I am going to see if I can score some good big ticket gifts for the kids and myself. Haha!

Forgot to say this is OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have Indian in-laws and my MIL does this as well. I really, genuinely try to find what topics she has useful advice I can implement, I do that, and report back to her how well it's worked out and I thank her. I ignore the rest.

Yes, it's somewhat cultural but I don't think any reaonsable person expects 100% compliance with their suggestions/instructions. So aim to comply with what you think is actually good advice, talk that up, and take a pass on the rest. You can just acknowledge the suggestion "hm, interesting idea" or if they really pester you as to why you haven't started such & such literacy program with your preschooler, say "actually, we've decided DH is in charge of that topic. I'll let him know you're interested" when you need the subject dropped.

Thank you so much for this. Truly appreciated. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh loud and long every time they started that BS and then I would answer them facetiously.

Them: What would you if Larlo got a B in a HS class?
Me: Run him down with my car.

Them: What instrument is Larla going to play?
Me: The triangle.

Them: How do you plan to become more involved in the children's schooling?
Me: I am organizing the beer truck for the school picnic so I am very involved.

LOL. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh loud and long every time they started that BS and then I would answer them facetiously.

Them: What would you if Larlo got a B in a HS class?
Me: Run him down with my car.

Them: What instrument is Larla going to play?
Me: The triangle.

Them: How do you plan to become more involved in the children's schooling?
Me: I am organizing the beer truck for the school picnic so I am very involved.

LOL. Thank you.

And as a bonus, you can brag to your ILs about how Larla isn't any old triangle player, she's first chair triangle player!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, I'd just cut to the chase and wave the white flag:

Them: So what will you do if Larlo gets a B?
You: I'm not sure. What do you think I should do?
Them: Blah blah blah
You: Sounds great. Thank you.

Them: What instrument is Larla going to play?
You: I'm not sure. What instrument do you think she should play?
Them: Blah blah blah.
You: Sounds great. Thank you.

And so on.

Excellent idea. Only issue is that they follow up! Actual example:

"What books are you reading DS?"

"Oh we are really into x right now! He loves action and adventure!"

"Have you considered y book (which is way too advanced for the kids)?"

"Sounds a bit advanced but I'll look into it thanks."

Three months later...

How was y book? Why didn't you start reading that to him? Here I just ordered it for you online. It's coming in the mail shortly.

-OP

And your response is:

You: Okay. Thanks! So how is Inlawville? Have you had much rain? We're expecting showers tonight...

Don't make this harder than it has to be OP.

And then they say, "it's raining. Back to the topic at hand- he really needs to improve his reading...."

Sorry but it is more difficult than you may perceive PP.

No it's not!!
Them: It's raining. Now back to the topic at hand, he needs to improve his reading."
You: Again, thanks. I have to go check on Larlo now.

You're in your own home,yes? Figure out some ways you can exit. Hell, say you have to go to bathroom. Or you have t make an important call for work. The key to your responses is that they are short. Deflect and change topics. And when all else fails, slip out with some pre-planned excuses.

[Anonymous]

My mother does this sort of deposition/interrogation/loaded question thing --

How did you choose your pediatrician?
What sort of camp is this?
How good is the neighborhood school?
Are you proceeding with XYZ testing for Larla this year?

There is never a right answer and the answers do not satisfy her.

You need to opt out of the question game.

"That's an interesting question, MIL. I wonder why you are asking that question." Pause. SAY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the silence. If your husband chooses to speak, fine. Get up and leave the room. Go read a book, go garden. The burden has to be on her to explain why this is an important question to raise. Because it's not a question -- it's a harangue in the form of a question.

When she switches to harangue mode -- telling you why Larla has to go to a certain pediatrician, have certain testing, join the swim team, whatever, sit quietly again. Tell her something like "Well, you've given me a lot to think about. Thanks for sharing your thoughts." Period.

She will then start up again with the same arguments. Again silence.

Clock ticking.

You've got to maintain this because debating or answering her questions is useless. She doesn't care about your answers. She cares about her opinions and beating you into submission.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand these interrogations. What are they so anxious about?