Help us find a compromise re: vacation without kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH wants to go away for a week for our 10th anniversary and 40th birthdays. Kids will be 9, 8 and 17 months. We have gone away for 2-3 nights every year, sometimes twice a year, since the older two were 3 and 4. But now, with the baby, I am reluctant to go. I just don't want to leave the baby. I will be worried the entire time. I think I can go 2 nights, but that is the most I can do, and I would prefer not to go at all.
DH's parents would watch the kids with our nanny being here most of the time too. Nanny would do the chaffeuring to activities, as usual.
DHs parents really want to do it, but they are getting older and I worry it's alot for them.
I could just refuse to go, but we definitely have one of those marriages where DH thinks I have dropped everything for the kids, and he constantly talks about how his parents just went about their adult lives and he turned out fine. You know the dynamic. This would just be more ammunition for him.
I wouldn't say we have a terrible marriage, but this is an issue fraught with tension.
Should I try and go for 3 nights? What's a good compromise?

Kinda seems like he has a point. Often the dynamic appears because it is true.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure what the difference between 2 and 5 nights is, really, to a 17 month old. If they are in a good place with nanny and grandparents, they will be fine. Leave small presents for them to open every night, figure out if you can skype, and ask nanny to step in a bit more if your parents need it.

But do 5 nights. Your marriage is important. We've been married 6 years, with a 3 and a very active and demanding 5 year old, and have had a total of one night away from the kids together since having the first, since we do not have that childcare option, and it was fantastic--but far too short and not frequent enough and our relationship really could use the time and focus.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you get divorced because you ignore the needs of your husband, you will be spending many, many nights away from your children. Summers and holidays, too.

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend you go the three nights.

Your children will be in the care of both their grandparents and a nanny so their needs will be fine for a few nights.

You need to do this for your marriage. Do not let your marriage turn into one where you choose to ignore one-on-one time with your hubby. It is vital that you both have your own special time apart from the kids every now and then.

Your baby will be just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let my DH bully and or pressure me into doing something I'm not comfortable with. He is the adult, my kids would be my priority. He sounds like a brat.

"I want to spend a few days with you to reconnect" is "bullying"?

[Anonymous]

I have to be honest here. Is this solely just about being away from your kids this long? 10 years and spending nights a way with your husband is THIS difficult? If I was your DH, deep down I would feel as if you were using the kids as cover to ignore me. This is how resentment builds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here. Is this solely just about being away from your kids this long? 10 years and spending nights a way with your husband is THIS difficult? If I was your DH, deep down I would feel as if you were using the kids as cover to ignore me. This is how resentment builds.

Yes, the toddler sounds like an excuse for a bigger problem.

[Anonymous]

Do you talk about these dynamics in any context other than your husband wanting to take a vacation without the kids? If you've been married just 10 years and you have a 9 and an 8 year old, in addition to the toddler, he may feel you've focused exclusively on having and raising children.

I agree with the posters who say it's important to focus on the marriage. But I don't think one vacation necessarily makes that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here. Is this solely just about being away from your kids this long? 10 years and spending nights a way with your husband is THIS difficult? If I was your DH, deep down I would feel as if you were using the kids as cover to ignore me. This is how resentment builds.

+1


Your children will be fine for a week without you. Your marriage is important, and you should put a lot more energy into it.

Look, if you do things right, your children become adults and have families of their own. Your partner for life is your spouse, not your kids. Not to mention that the best thing you can do for your kids is to have a strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have a 20 month old and wouldn't leave her without both parents for a week. DH wouldn't either though.

[Anonymous]

We went away for 10 days and I think it added another 10 years to our lives. We were so rested and peppy when we returned. The DCs were fine.

[Anonymous]

Or you could go to FDR pebbles in Jamaica. Nanny comes with the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i am hoping 3 nights will appease him.....

OP, you need to stop thinking about it like this. Your goal is renewed connection and celebrating your marriage - not appeasement.

I agree with the people who say you should go for the full week. Be open about your worries, but also be specific. When you say that it's a lot for your in-laws to handle, what does that mean? What aspects of this week do you worry they will find overwhelming? When you say that you will worry the whole time, what will those worries pertain to?

Example: you're worried that your in-laws will have a hard time dealing with dinner for 3 children at night and dealing with things like homework, baths and other "evening routine" stuff. One potential solution to that would be to leave them gift cards for take out/pizza or suggest easy favorite things that your kids like. It is not complicated or overwhelming to make 3 (or 5) sandwiches and cut up some fruit. If you are concerned that your kids need more elaborate meals, think about what those are and plan for them WITH your in-laws. You have 3 kids, so I'm sure you already do stuff like this on your own to an extent.

Example: you're worried about nebulous things like "how they are doing." Set up a time to talk every day that you will be gone, on Skype or the phone. Ask that your in-laws send pictures of what the kids are up to. Note: very important that you not allow these communications to bleed into the vacation itself.

You can do this. It will be a good experience for everyone. That your husband wants this and your in-laws are gung-ho about taking up the childcare are both very, very good things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here. Is this solely just about being away from your kids this long? 10 years and spending nights a way with your husband is THIS difficult? If I was your DH, deep down I would feel as if you were using the kids as cover to ignore me. This is how resentment builds.

Yes, the toddler sounds like an excuse for a bigger problem.

Agreed. A 17 month old is not a baby, the parents are probably not THAT old and there's a nanny? OP is making excuses to avoid being with her husband and she's blaming him for it. Talk about your First World Problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or you could go to FDR pebbles in Jamaica. Nanny comes with the room.

Or you could go to Tyler Place in Vermont - great food, many opportunities to reconnect, but still some family time to assuage your mommy guilt.