Envious of my daughter
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Anonymous
| My dd is turning 17 soon. Sometimes I feel envious of her youth. She has it all in front of her still. What I wouldn't give to go back to that feeling of wide open possibility. Sigh. |
Anonymous
| OP, while this might be "normal" to some mothers, do you best to work against the feelings you have. My mother completely alienated me out of jealousy. It did not end well for her. |
Anonymous
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PP here. If you live your life to the fullest, you will have a full life, a full head, a full heart and not care about what others have, or what others think. You will not have jealousy and toxic emotions. It is cleansing, and liberating. This is true of not just what your daughter has or does not, but neighbors, friends, anyone. GL.
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
If believing some silly religious explanation keeps you from feeling jealous of your own freakin' child, I support the religious mumbo jumbo. I want to be supportive here, but I honestly just cannot fathom feeling jealous of my own children. |
Anonymous
It must be so comfortable to be splashing about in your shallow little pool. So don't fret when people try to express bigger concepts than you can grasp. |
Anonymous
Oh, I can grasp that you're an asshole. My IQ is just barely high enough for that. |
Anonymous
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OP, think of the alternative.
I am not gorgeous, but I am attractive and have always had my share of admirers even now in my forties. My daughter is not attractive. I love her, but she doesn't get attention from boys. I can see how much will be lacking for her. Would you rather have had it this way? I know there are always worse problems, but just a thought experiment for you. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| I think being a beautiful girl is a bit of a curse, personally. I wish for a high average for my kids in terms of looks, academic ability, sports ability, but I wouldn't prefer for either of them to be the best looking, smartest, best athlete. It really seems to me that the people most on the outlier, good or bad, often suffer for it and it is rarely worth it. |
Anonymous
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My mom is jealous of me and she doesn't hide it and it's a real strain on our relationship. It's not over beauty though. She's jealous of my career - I went into the same profession but got my degree from an Ivy and that gave me more opportunities. I married my DH, who is also a successful professional, and we have a great relationship. Our lives are far from perfect but those are two things that my mom feels like she missed out on (professional opportunities and solid relationship with DH) and she's always complaining about what she doesn't have whenever I talk about anything in my life. And my mom has a great life! She's not suffering in poverty alone or anything!
It makes me sad that she can't be happy for me or that I need to hide that I have a new professional opportunity - can't really discuss the pros and cons with my mom. |
Anonymous
Interesting. She probably doesn't even see it as jealousy. I can imagine that I might do this if I saw my daughter succeeding where I'd thought i'd failed. A good reminder to bite my tongue and just be simply happy for her. She is 2 in July so I have some time to practice. 
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Anonymous
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NP, and OP I want to commend you for your honesty - with yourself and here. It can take a lot of guts to admit to feelings you know you feel like you shouldn't have, even on an anonymous message board.
I've worked with families going through struggles for many many years. This dynamic is SO common, but it is rarely handled well or healthily. That's why I'm impressed and commending you, because at least you're saying it out loud and asking if it's normal. It's common, but it's not healthy, as it can grow and fester. I agree with one of the few other responses I read here, that one approach is to try to shift your thinking towards what a great beautiful person you and your DH have created. But mainly, I think it would be a very very good idea for you to see a counselor for a little while about this. It doesn't have to be something that is endless, just a series of sessions, so you can work through your feelings and also hopefully get some different perspectives on it that help you not be jealous. In my work (I'm not a therapist, but I work with families and therapists) I see how toxic a seed this can be, and the envy/jealousy can grow and grow and emerge in some really awful ways. Your child didn't choose to be beautiful, or attractive, and even though so far it sounds like most of your feelings you keep to yourself, if the envy goes un-checked and you don't unpack it and heal it, it's going to fester into something that will really damage your relationship with her. Lastly, my DD is also gorgeous. She's younger than yours, but already I can see she's going to have to fight the guys off. I was never that way. But I'm ok with that, my life is what it was, I'm so grateful t have her because she's awesome, and when I think about her beauty or others comment on it, I just focus on doing all I can to prepare her to NOT depend on only that, and not define herself only on that. My best friend in high school who was brilliant and also almost model-beautiful, she got so caught up in people's reactions to her looks, she never actually graduated high school and spent her whole life up until a few years ago bartending and managing restaurants. Not that there's anything wrong with those professions, but SHE wasn't happy in them and didn't feel like she had options. I wouldn't say being gorgeous screwed her up, but not having parents who helped her value all the OTHER parts of her did screw her up. OP I hope you'll talk to a counselor or therapist, work through these feelings and figure out how to see the situation in a different, much healthier and more positive way. Wishing you and your DD the best of luck! |
Anonymous
DP, you're entitled to your own opinions, but just FYI your insanely out-of-proportion vitriol makes you sound like a bitter joyless person. At least OP has the guts to post something she knows doesn't make her sound like a peach. Your prickly attitude makes her sound way more appealing to spend time around than you. At least her kid has a parent who has a little self-awareness and can ask a question to try to address things. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think it's weird. You're envious, because your daughter is pretty? There is something twisted (although not dark LOL) about that. |
Anonymous
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This thread makes me sad. I truly can't believe you women are so shallow to be envious of your kids.
I just can't imagine feeling anything but being proud and true love and happiness for them. |