Envious of my daughter
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Anonymous
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This is a weird feeling to have. I adore my daughter, am on her side 100%, love her to death, etc. And I'm very, very proud of her. But it's so embarrassing and weird to admit that to an extent I also envy her.
My daughter is beautiful. Just out-and-out gorgeous. When we walk places, guys stare at her and she nonchalantly accepts these tributes to her beauty with the indifference of someone who has received them her whole life. She has guys fighting over her in high school. I was the very definition of Plain Jane growing up. I didn't get asked out by anyone until I was 28 and by some weird miracle met DH when I was 33. I've always bought my own drinks, never had a man stare at me or compliment me, lol. None of it is a big deal and I certainly never wasted my energy thinking about it after a certain age, but seeing my DD's life makes me understand how comparatively lacking my own girlhood was. I do feel a certain sense of envy that this is something I could never experience. I want to know I'm not the only parent who goes through this weird and guilt-inducing experience of envying their child? |
Anonymous
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I think this sort of is mixed up in the same feelings I get when I see something in my kid that's a crappy aspect of being their parents' child. Like my husbands intensity or my sensitivity. And I am just like, gah, I feel bad for you, I am so sorry. Just sort of reacting to seeing another human being for who they are.
But about the beauty, doesn't it sort of impress you that you produced such a stunning child? Attractiveness is in her looks, sure, but it's also in her energy, all of which you helped cultivate and bring out in her. That's awesome. |
Anonymous
| Wow, I have a stunning daughter and I just marvel at her -I love looking at her and admiring her beautiful features. Like the PP said - she is the miracle I produced (although she looks nothing like me, she is a copy of my husband) but still...can't relate to your feelings at all! |
Anonymous
If it helps, you would probably still feel this if you felt you were gorgeous growing up. It is just a part of moving to the side as an "older" woman. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think your feelings are understandable and normal. It's entirely possible to love your daughter and also experience feelings of envy. Try not to dwell on the feelings, though. Life is never fair. Who knows? Your DD and others may envy you in certain ways. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. You found a solid marriage partner and produced a wonderful child, so you must have something going for you! |
Anonymous
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I feel mildly envious (like, I'm so glad she has X, I wish I had it too!) of a few qualities of my kids. For DD, I am envious of her strong perfectionism and desire and determination to achieve things that are a challenge. She decided she wanted to learn to ride a bike without training wheels very early and then spent hours practicing until she got it right. She is like that with everything. That said, I know the anxiety she faces as well -- there are two sides of every coin.
With my son, I am envious of his interest in his interests. He just doesn't care what others think and is solely devoted to science projects and math. He really steps to the beat of his own drum. But there are clear downsides of this too. What I am saying, OP, is that I think it's normal to be a bit envious of the qualities of of children. But it's important to be equally as cognizant of their short comings. |
Anonymous
| How old is she? |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| I have a very tough time relating to this concept. I'm not accusing you of being a bad person or something, but I just can't ever imagine feeling that way. When something good happens to my children, something good has happened to me. I just don't think I could think about it any other way. |
Anonymous
Well, that's also a bit effed up too. |
Anonymous
OP isn't saying she wishes her child weren't beautiful or thinks of it as a bad thing. She's just saying that seeing her daughter have this is highlighting something she didn't have, and that can be a little painful in the recollection at times. It's like being happy your child got into an Ivy League college, but at the same time being a little jealous that they get to go away and have that experience when you didn't get to go away to school and had to work your way through community college at night while you worked full-time. Being jealous doesn't inherently mean you want to take something away from that person, or that you dislike them for having it. |
Anonymous
Why? I'm not asserting that I live through them, just that because I care about them, a major success in their life is at least a minor success in my life. |
Anonymous
The way that is phrased sounds like you are living through them. |
Anonymous
I understand, and I'm not accusing OP of any of that. I'm just saying that I honestly can't imagine feeling anything but happiness if one of my kids got into their top choice college. |
Anonymous
I don't agree. I think "living through someone" implies that you derive your happiness in substantial part from their successes, and perhaps also that you push them to live out your dreams as opposed to their own, or that you feel their accomplishments are your own. I don't feel any of those things. I just literally think I am a happier person when my family and loved ones are happy, so I benefit in a quite direct way from their success. |