DH letter. We've been having problems.preparing for divorce. Is this good or bad?

[Anonymous]

I dunno. I'm gonna have to break with the pack a little bit. I think the intention of this letter was to compliment/comfort the OP, to let her know that he's noticed her good qualities. It sounds like it's been a very rough time for this family. The death of a child. An affair.

I don't think that it would be appropriate to mention his affair in the context of this letter. It's supposed to be complimentary. He mentions the lack of recognition of the OP's hard work to make everything nice for everyone. It also sounds like he acknowledges that she has been having a hard time lately, without condemning that.

I get that he's manipulative and I agree that the letter is rambling, but I also feel like it's possible that he is making peace with their marriage being over and telling her, I still think these good things about you, you are still a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. Doesn't apologize for his actions.
2. Doesn't even acknowledge his actions.
3. Doesn't say that he needs to or will try to change.
4. Tries to deflect problems back on you (you're so emotional, you are taking care of others not him).
5. Uses the most painful experience of your life to try and provoke emotion.
6. Holds himself out as a nice guy who just wants to make you (and other, presumably including the other woman) happy.

He's a manipulative jerk.

1. Assumes this letter is the sole communication about their marital problems.
2. Assumes that every conversation has to be about that.
3. Seems like he knows that's out of the question.
4. I interpreted as he recognizes she is always taking care of others, including him, but not including herself.
5. His daughter too, so probably also the worst experience of his life.
6. Do not disagree with this, but thought it was more aspirational.

He's a troubled person who needs to go to therapy. OP should definitely proceed with the separation, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Doesn't apologize for his actions.
2. Doesn't even acknowledge his actions.
3. Doesn't say that he needs to or will try to change.
4. Tries to deflect problems back on you (you're so emotional, you are taking care of others not him).
5. Uses the most painful experience of your life to try and provoke emotion.
6. Holds himself out as a nice guy who just wants to make you (and other, presumably including the other woman) happy.

He's a manipulative jerk.

1. Assumes this letter is the sole communication about their marital problems.
2. Assumes that every conversation has to be about that.
3. Seems like he knows that's out of the question.
4. I interpreted as he recognizes she is always taking care of others, including him, but not including herself.
5. His daughter too, so probably also the worst experience of his life.
6. Do not disagree with this, but thought it was more aspirational.

He's a troubled person who needs to go to therapy. OP should definitely proceed with the separation, though.

1 & 2: They are in the midst of their split, so this is all very fresh and painful. Every communication and conversation that attempts some kind of emotional intimacy should include "I'm sorry for all the ways that I have hurt you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I'm gonna have to break with the pack a little bit. I think the intention of this letter was to compliment/comfort the OP, to let her know that he's noticed her good qualities. It sounds like it's been a very rough time for this family. The death of a child. An affair.

I don't think that it would be appropriate to mention his affair in the context of this letter. It's supposed to be complimentary. He mentions the lack of recognition of the OP's hard work to make everything nice for everyone. It also sounds like he acknowledges that she has been having a hard time lately, without condemning that.

I get that he's manipulative and I agree that the letter is rambling, but I also feel like it's possible that he is making peace with their marriage being over and telling her, I still think these good things about you, you are still a good person.

I agree with the PP above, but also think there's some manipulation/excuse-making/self-serving in there too. There's a lot going on, some probably sincere, some probably less so. I don't agree with PPs talking about "Freudian slips" - there are a number of other typos in the letter and I think "selfishly" was genuinely supposed to be "selflessly." I also agree that he sounds like he might have been drunk when he wrote it. I also agree, having had a run-in with a BPD, that this sort of flowery, sentimental, pretentious nonsense flows easily from their pens/keyboards/whatevers and is not to be taken too seriously. I agree with ALL posters that you should disregard it and move on with your plans.

I am so sorry for what's happened to you, OP. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not a suicide note. PPs who are saying that have no experience dealing with manipulators.

Untrue. Several highly manipulative people I know have threatened and even attempted suicide to get their "loved ones" to do something.

[Anonymous]

Treacle bullshit.

[Anonymous]

I think he is saying there is still hope (in his eyes) that your marriage can survive this difficult time. He is building you up, letting you know how he truly feels about you and is hoping you will have second thoughts.

Most men will take this approach when they realize their relationship is dunzo.

I wouldn't fall for it. He doesn't sound like he was a very good partner to you and he had the chance to be one, but it wasn't high on his priority list. And now it is....??

Tell him to go and pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP says: No I'm a professional woman. I just don't know what to make of it and wanted an outside view of this letter. It was sent to me in an email. I think it's, at the very least strange, vague, unsupported, and off the wall. It doesn't inspire warm fuzzies or fond memories. It's like he's trying too hard. It's not believable to me, in that I don't see sincere emotion or feelings in it. The writer seems to want to try to capture passion, which is absent. Maybe manipulative????? I don't know.

To some of the other questions:

I don't think he's suicidal.

Our daughter died of Cystic Fibrosis. It was the most painful day of being alive. I dread Mother's Day. In some ways, maybe this was meant to acknowledge that.

I do think he has a mental disorder. Seriously. I think he's on the antisocial PD spectrum, but unless you live it, no one believes you. He's got a bunch of groupies that think he walks on water.

Maybe that helps with context.

I hear you on this. The man who sired me, who's emotionally and verbally abused, is regarded as one of the most generous and intelligent people out there... by those who don't have to live with him.

Keep your course. Do not be swayed.

I am sorry you lost your daughter. I can't even begin to comprehend the anguish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given the background information...I'm getting -

"I really, really, really appreciate and LOVE you. I admire you, I put you on a pedestal. You are EVERYTHING good and wise in a woman. If only I could be as wonderful to you as you are to me. Hopefully one day I will be worthy of your love".

He knows his gig is up and he's trying to butter you up into extending his stay.

Actions speak louder than words do and you know his history.

He is great with words but i agree with PP. He is buttering u up to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird. I'd divorce him simply because his writing and intellect are sophmoric. what a dumb dumb.

Oh, the delicious irony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird. I'd divorce him simply because his writing and intellect are sophmoric. what a dumb dumb.

Oh, the delicious irony.

[Anonymous]

didn't think freudian slip - thought maybe english not first language or maybe drunk. multiple word choices seemed odd

OP I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I am so very sorry about your daughter OP. I can only imagine the grief.

Re your husband, I would trust your instincts about his writing - you are the best judge.

It reads to me like an overwrought, hollow, grandiose attempt to say things he think would be flattering and/or received well. It doesn't feel like the sincere writing of a balanced mind to me, but I don't know him.

I am, however, acquainted with overly grandiose, self-indulgent carryings on by people w/ significant issues and this feels similar to that.

I wish you peace - however you can find it. I think you are your best rudder as you navigate thist - really trust your instincts and the small inner voice that tells you what you need, even if that flies in the face of louder voices. (Sorry, that's a horrible mixed metaphor but I hope you know what I mean.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP says: No I'm a professional woman. I just don't know what to make of it and wanted an outside view of this letter. It was sent to me in an email. I think it's, at the very least strange, vague, unsupported, and off the wall. It doesn't inspire warm fuzzies or fond memories. It's like he's trying too hard. It's not believable to me, in that I don't see sincere emotion or feelings in it. The writer seems to want to try to capture passion, which is absent. Maybe manipulative????? I don't know.

To some of the other questions:

I don't think he's suicidal.

Our daughter died of Cystic Fibrosis. It was the most painful day of being alive. I dread Mother's Day. In some ways, maybe this was meant to acknowledge that.

I do think he has a mental disorder. Seriously. I think he's on the antisocial PD spectrum, but unless you live it, no one believes you. He's got a bunch of groupies that think he walks on water.

Maybe that helps with context.

A personality disorder would explain a lot about that letter. Depending on the personality disorder, he 1) wants to make a grand gesture to say "look at me; I'm a fantastic human being" or 2) wants to make a grand gesture to make you feel sorry for leaving him; or 3) is trying to manipulate into something.

If you think he has a personality disorder, just ignore it. People with personality disorders are going to do weird shit like that for their own reasons. It's not always possible to understand. Read it, file it under "Yep, still crazy" and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

He wants you to think he walks on water too.

I'm sorry about your daughter. It's hell on Earth to lose a child.

Go ahead with the divorce. You deserve some happiness and he won't provide it. Life is all about him.