Asexual child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No - she said she physically can find people attractive (ie "oh, he's cute!) but does not ever think about being intimate with them. Never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend, for that matter.)

This is okay. She may be a late bloomer, or she may be asexual. Sexuality can be fluid. Her stance may change. MANY people had not had a boyfriend or girlfriend by age 17, or even 18 or 19. She doesn't need to rush to define herself and then go proclaiming it to the world. I would really just say "Okay. I love you no matter what. Please be open to the idea that your feelings can shift as you grow, and whether they do shift or solidify, I will still always love you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 43 year old asexual woman. I have adopted kids and while I would like a relationship, I know that it is unlikely anybody would want to date me.

OP, please dont take your child to a psychologist. That is demeaning and dismissive. She trusted you enough to tell you, so simply continue to love, accept, and support her.

Didn't you ever want to experience a sexual relationship or encounter, PP? Are you sure that... I don't know... hormones or psychological intervention wouldn't have helped?

Sex is such a wonderful part of life. I wouldn't want my children to miss out on it.

PP here. No, I never have. I've been curious, sure, and have very often felt that I "need" to have had sex before declaring myself asexual, but then I realize that is just society in my brain telling me that I shouldn't exist.

Do you need to have sex with somebody of the same gender to make sure that you're straight?

Hormones might have helped, but that would be changing part of who I am. I have no desire to do that. Why on earth would you think that psychological intervention would help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nor has she masturbated.

That was me at that age, but in an era with no vocabulary. When my time was right, a bit later, I because very active. Maybe this is a life decision, or maybe it is just not her time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the roving troll op is back.

No, promise I'm not a troll.

I guess it just surprised me, is all. I just assumed she was a late bloomer. But, now that her friends are all into dating, sex, etc. and she doesn't have interest in that, I think she did some soul searching and came to this conclusion.

This is where I think you can help her understand that she's still young and growing and changing, and she doesn't need to "come to a conclusion" or stick a label on herself or lock herself into a definition. As a somewhat "late bloomer" myself, I fear that there's a rush to label and define teenage sexuality, which doesn't allow these kids/young adults time to grow into themselves. She's okay being who she is, and if she's not interested in intimacy in that way at this time, that's okay, and at only 17, that this is something that could very well change down the road. She doesn't need to form an identity about her sexuality at this age, just because her friends are. I feel like this is where you could open her mind to different possibilities, to let her know that there isn't a decision that has to be made or a conclusion to be reached. That she can simply be who she is, and continue to grow and explore that, and learn about herself. I feel like she needs to know she can give herself the gift of time to figure these things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 43 year old asexual woman. I have adopted kids and while I would like a relationship, I know that it is unlikely anybody would want to date me.

OP, please dont take your child to a psychologist. That is demeaning and dismissive. She trusted you enough to tell you, so simply continue to love, accept, and support her.

+1000

But I would also tell her that our sexuality changes throughout our lives. One can be asexual at 18, straight at 25, bisexual at 35, gay at 40, polyamorous at 20, happily monogamous at 30, joyfully single at 45. And the people who truly love and understand you, especially your mother, would never think less of you because you once used to identify differently.

What happened to "born that way?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 43 year old asexual woman. I have adopted kids and while I would like a relationship, I know that it is unlikely anybody would want to date me.

OP, please dont take your child to a psychologist. That is demeaning and dismissive. She trusted you enough to tell you, so simply continue to love, accept, and support her.

+1000

But I would also tell her that our sexuality changes throughout our lives. One can be asexual at 18, straight at 25, bisexual at 35, gay at 40, polyamorous at 20, happily monogamous at 30, joyfully single at 45. And the people who truly love and understand you, especially your mother, would never think less of you because you once used to identify differently.

What happened to "born that way?"

You're still born that way; it just sometimes takes some time to figure out who you really are.

Some people know that they're heterosexual, but still experiment with people of the same sex.

[Anonymous]

Oh please. With everything i read on these threads about being accepting and respectful about being LGBT. Then we come to this situation and something is wrong with that person. They need to see a specialist. When there is really nothing wrong at all. Are we being bigots here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 43 year old asexual woman. I have adopted kids and while I would like a relationship, I know that it is unlikely anybody would want to date me.

OP, please dont take your child to a psychologist. That is demeaning and dismissive. She trusted you enough to tell you, so simply continue to love, accept, and support her.

x 1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the roving troll op is back.

No, promise I'm not a troll.

I guess it just surprised me, is all. I just assumed she was a late bloomer. But, now that her friends are all into dating, sex, etc. and she doesn't have interest in that, I think she did some soul searching and came to this conclusion.

This is where I think you can help her understand that she's still young and growing and changing, and she doesn't need to "come to a conclusion" or stick a label on herself or lock herself into a definition. As a somewhat "late bloomer" myself, I fear that there's a rush to label and define teenage sexuality, which doesn't allow these kids/young adults time to grow into themselves. She's okay being who she is, and if she's not interested in intimacy in that way at this time, that's okay, and at only 17, that this is something that could very well change down the road. She doesn't need to form an identity about her sexuality at this age, just because her friends are. I feel like this is where you could open her mind to different possibilities, to let her know that there isn't a decision that has to be made or a conclusion to be reached. That she can simply be who she is, and continue to grow and explore that, and learn about herself. I feel like she needs to know she can give herself the gift of time to figure these things out.

I this this is great advice! I would have considered myself asexual at 17 too, no interest at all in boys or girls and definitely no interest in masturbation. In college I developed my first crush and started dating. I didn't have nearly as much sex as most of my friends did, but am happily married with kids now. She may be asexual, or she may feel left out because she doesn't share her friends all consuming interest in boys/girls and sex. I think either is normal, especially at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's only 17. It honestly makes me sad that a 17 year old feels that she needs to define herself sexually. She's still very young. Just because she's not sexually active right now doesn't mean she won't be in the future. She doesn't need a label.

I'm so glad I came of age in the 80s instead of now.

THIS. just leave the kid alone & let her explore life without a label!

[Anonymous]

I can think of several reasons why a young woman might be asexual...most probable to me is sexual trauma...was she abused? or harassed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 43 year old asexual woman. I have adopted kids and while I would like a relationship, I know that it is unlikely anybody would want to date me.

OP, please dont take your child to a psychologist. That is demeaning and dismissive. She trusted you enough to tell you, so simply continue to love, accept, and support her.

+1000

But I would also tell her that our sexuality changes throughout our lives. One can be asexual at 18, straight at 25, bisexual at 35, gay at 40, polyamorous at 20, happily monogamous at 30, joyfully single at 45. And the people who truly love and understand you, especially your mother, would never think less of you because you once used to identify differently.

Agree. My dd went through several different phases of declaring herself straight, then gay, then bi, then gay, then bi. She'll figure it out as she grows up.

I'm not sure I'd worry too much about her not having masturbated. I know things have changed since I was young but it's more complicated for girls than boys and unless you're talking to friends in detail or consulting the Internet, it isn't necessarily obvious (meaning, movies and TV still suck when depicting sex) how to come to climax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the roving troll op is back.

No, promise I'm not a troll.

I guess it just surprised me, is all. I just assumed she was a late bloomer. But, now that her friends are all into dating, sex, etc. and she doesn't have interest in that, I think she did some soul searching and came to this conclusion.

It's probably more anxiety or fear that being truly asexual. She's very young. Thing will very likely change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the roving troll op is back.

No, promise I'm not a troll.

I guess it just surprised me, is all. I just assumed she was a late bloomer. But, now that her friends are all into dating, sex, etc. and she doesn't have interest in that, I think she did some soul searching and came to this conclusion.

It's probably more anxiety or fear that being truly asexual. She's very young. Thing will very likely change.

How do you know this?

Maybe it will change. Maybe it won't.

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all.. I think you should be happy that your daughter trusted you enough to come "out" about this.

I'm going to differ with the asexual PP a little bit, but I do understand why she's saying therapy isn't a good idea. I think your daughter should be OFFERED counseling, not because there is anything wrong with being asexual, but solely as a safe place to land if she is feeling anxiety about it. If she is just stating the facts, then her sexuality should be easy to embrace as a family, because she is happy with who she is. If she finds this realization about herself upsetting, then counseling can help.

Some LBGTQ groups address asexuality as part of their "rainbow" - she may benefit from joining a group, again IF SHE FEELS A NEED TO find support.

Sadly, I think part of the negative consequence of a lot of "coming out" is that people feel the need to do exactly that - sexuality used to be a more private matter. Of course, it was also a matter of a lot of shame. A lot of young people feel the need to "label" themselves . I hope some day we'll just accept that people are who they are, regardless of what they do in bed, and there won't have to be this painful process... People will just know they're accepted into society regardless of their sexuality (or lack of it).