S/o Female Madonna/Whore Mentality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a real pickle because I am tempted to introduce DH to some new things, but if he takes to them, then I am worried my feelings for him will change. I just can't help side eying men who share my proclivities.

-OP

So you're setting him up by asking him to try things knowing that if he says yes (because he wants to please you), it will actually be an emotional turn-off.

You need a whole lot of therapy before you get married. If you actually care about this guy, please do him the great service of getting your head on straight before you walk down the aisle.

It's weird, right? My sexual needs and emotional needs are diametrically opposed and men who can fill one cannot fill the other. I don't want some therapist convincing me that some nasty freak should be my husband. There's only enough room in my real life for one nasty freak and that's me, lol.

I am not looking for help in this thread. I am just wondering if there are others who think the way I do and why they think we may have turned out this way. How about the guys on the board? Any men willing to confess to a madonna/whore complex? Women are always too damn emotional and concerned with fairness to have these kinds of frank conversations.

No.

You must be kidding me if you think lots of men don't feel this way to some degree or another. It's not an accident that the respectable woman typically gets the ring while the man is chasing promiscuous chicks around and treating them like shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a real pickle because I am tempted to introduce DH to some new things, but if he takes to them, then I am worried my feelings for him will change. I just can't help side eying men who share my proclivities.

-OP

So you're setting him up by asking him to try things knowing that if he says yes (because he wants to please you), it will actually be an emotional turn-off.

You need a whole lot of therapy before you get married. If you actually care about this guy, please do him the great service of getting your head on straight before you walk down the aisle.

It's weird, right? My sexual needs and emotional needs are diametrically opposed and men who can fill one cannot fill the other. I don't want some therapist convincing me that some nasty freak should be my husband. There's only enough room in my real life for one nasty freak and that's me, lol.

I am not looking for help in this thread. I am just wondering if there are others who think the way I do and why they think we may have turned out this way. How about the guys on the board? Any men willing to confess to a madonna/whore complex? Women are always too damn emotional and concerned with fairness to have these kinds of frank conversations.

No.

You must be kidding me if you think lots of men don't feel this way to some degree or another. It's not an accident that the respectable woman typically gets the ring while the man is chasing promiscuous chicks around and treating them like shit.

I'm answering from a woman's point of view.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to convince yourself that you are so comfortable with being a 'nasty freak' yet look down on others who are the same way. It's one thing not to want to pursue a relationship with them, but to act as if they are beneath you is fucked up. Your pov is fucked up, whether others share it or not.

[Anonymous]

OP did you have a very religious upbringing? I can relate a little to what you're saying. In my case, I had a super religious upbringing and played my part in that growing up, but in fact have always been agnostic. But i still can't quite shake the religious shame/madonna-whore syndrome issues regarding myself even though i have a big sub/dom fantasy thing going on in my head. I agree with other PPs that have said that you don't 100% accept yourself and it affects how you affects others. You're not alone, at least. I bet with time you'll share more with your bf/husband, as you grow to really accept yourself and him.

[Anonymous]

Whether you "turn on" the boyfriend to new things or not you still should seek some therapy OP. You have a very expectation-based view of your life and that type of outlook will only set you up either for disappointment from things not happening the way you planned or disappointment because you missed out on something that could have been great but shunned it because it didn't align with your rigid expectations. Suppose your boyfriend opens up to new sexual ideas on his own...suppose he's, in fact, doing the exact same damn thing you're doing and hiding his freaky side in favor of getting to know you. What happens on your honeymoon when the freak in him comes out? You gonna lose all respect for him and get a divorce right away?

There is a difference between expectations and possibilities OP. Expectations are stiff and rigid and assume a future result that is in no way guaranteed. Being tied to expectations in relationships you essentially hold your present sense of well-being hostage to a future that may or may not happen. Possibilities on the other hand are flexible and manageable and based on the ever-changing present moment. Being open to possibilities allows you to acknowledge and accept the fact that things change and gives you the ability to adapt and respond to that change rather than react to it and run from it. Strong relationships are rooted in the idea of exploring life together, not rooted in the concept of sticking to a strict itinerary and abandoning the journey altogether if things go awry.

[Anonymous]

PP here...not "even though i have..." but BECAUSE i have....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP did you have a very religious upbringing? I can relate a little to what you're saying. In my case, I had a super religious upbringing and played my part in that growing up, but in fact have always been agnostic. But i still can't quite shake the religious shame/madonna-whore syndrome issues regarding myself even though i have a big sub/dom fantasy thing going on in my head. I agree with other PPs that have said that you don't 100% accept yourself and it affects how you affects others. You're not alone, at least. I bet with time you'll share more with your bf/husband, as you grow to really accept yourself and him.

I did have a religious upbringing. Or at least I was surrounded by religious people. I always thought it was all very stupid, but maybe some of their nutty ideas slipped in my subconscious. I do hope for a day when I can reconcile my sexual desires with my emotional/personality requirements of men. At the same time, I am just grossed out by the thought of some sexually deviant man playing father to my future kids and walking around calling himself my husband. Something about the home and domestic sphere is sacred to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether you "turn on" the boyfriend to new things or not you still should seek some therapy OP. You have a very expectation-based view of your life and that type of outlook will only set you up either for disappointment from things not happening the way you planned or disappointment because you missed out on something that could have been great but shunned it because it didn't align with your rigid expectations. Suppose your boyfriend opens up to new sexual ideas on his own...suppose he's, in fact, doing the exact same damn thing you're doing and hiding his freaky side in favor of getting to know you. What happens on your honeymoon when the freak in him comes out? You gonna lose all respect for him and get a divorce right away?

There is a difference between expectations and possibilities OP. Expectations are stiff and rigid and assume a future result that is in no way guaranteed. Being tied to expectations in relationships you essentially hold your present sense of well-being hostage to a future that may or may not happen. Possibilities on the other hand are flexible and manageable and based on the ever-changing present moment. Being open to possibilities allows you to acknowledge and accept the fact that things change and gives you the ability to adapt and respond to that change rather than react to it and run from it. Strong relationships are rooted in the idea of exploring life together, not rooted in the concept of sticking to a strict itinerary and abandoning the journey altogether if things go awry.

DH's virgin aunt left her husband on their wedding night because the groom requested a blow job. She had the marriage annulled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP did you have a very religious upbringing? I can relate a little to what you're saying. In my case, I had a super religious upbringing and played my part in that growing up, but in fact have always been agnostic. But i still can't quite shake the religious shame/madonna-whore syndrome issues regarding myself even though i have a big sub/dom fantasy thing going on in my head. I agree with other PPs that have said that you don't 100% accept yourself and it affects how you affects others. You're not alone, at least. I bet with time you'll share more with your bf/husband, as you grow to really accept yourself and him.

I did have a religious upbringing. Or at least I was surrounded by religious people. I always thought it was all very stupid, but maybe some of their nutty ideas slipped in my subconscious. I do hope for a day when I can reconcile my sexual desires with my emotional/personality requirements of men. At the same time, I am just grossed out by the thought of some sexually deviant man playing father to my future kids and walking around calling himself my husband. Something about the home and domestic sphere is sacred to me.

Are you in your 20's?

[Anonymous]

But you don't consider yourself sexually deviant and undeserving to be a mom and wife? Either you're making all of this up or you have some issues you seriously need to work through. Deep down you're not nearly as accepting of yourself as you're trying to believe. I feel sorry for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your boyfriend. At some point you're going to set him up because of your issues. And you know who will be at fault for that? You. But you're just going to screw up your relationship because you won't work on your own issues. Mature. I hope he gets out before you really hurt him.

I am not going to lead him down that road. I'll keep it vanilla for the sake of our future. I find innocence very attractive and his awkwardness in bed doesn't directly turn me on sexually, but it really endears him to me and makes me love him even more.

I do see the set up you are talking about and I feel bad about that.

This is so very unsustainable. You are in for a world of hurt setting up a situation to be with someone long term with whom you are sexually incompatible. And all because you can't accept who you are.