S/o Female Madonna/Whore Mentality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you with freaky DHs wonder about them at all? Like a man who is super horny and has fringe tastes really be faithful. When I was single, I met many, many high libido men whose wives swore they were 100% faithful and yet, they were banging hookers, trannies, everything on the side.

I am freakier than DH and have a higher libido than him. Never had the urge to cheat. Dh's biggest kink is seeing me with other people and being involved as well. Works out that that's a Huge kink of mine too. We involve other people or another couple a couple of times a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP is simply projecting her feelings of self-loathing onto prospective partners. She's got these qualities/tendencies that in her own words equate herself with a whore, but she accepts it as just "who she is".
But then she turns around and absolutely despises the same qualities/tendencies if she sees them present in someone she's dating and refuses to accept it in others as just "who they are".

1/2 of the Western world needs therapy.

The funny thing is that I really do accept myself. I do not feel any guilt about my proclivities and I never have. Even as a child, I knew I was different from the other kids and I was totally comfortable with that. But you are right, I can't accept the same tendencies in men.

I am not trying to change this about myself.

I am just curious about why I feel this way and if there are others who feel this way too. Usually, men are the ones who have such madonna/whore mentalities. You don't really hear about women having the same mentality towards men.

Let me ask you this OP...
When you begin dating a guy are you open and upfront about your proclivities or is it something you prefer to keep to yourself and resign to the fact that "he'll find out eventually"?
If its something you keep to yourself then it makes sense why you have a tendency to turn your nose up at guys who are too depraved in my eyes to meet my family and be the father of my children and it makes sense why the man you've been with for the last two years bores me sexually, but I respect him as a man - - - basically you're putting on airs of being the sweet "good" girl and have internalized your proclivities. You've essentially idealized that sweet "good" girl persona and have followed the lead of all those in your family and community growing up who looked down on the perceived whorish girls of the day and you don't want to be chastised and ostracized like them. So...there's the public OP and the private OP and she wants a husband who is 100% because her status and reputation are on the line.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you really do accept yourself. If you truly thought that your proclivities were okay, you wouldn't think that they make another person "dirty." You still think that consensual sexual behaviors are morally significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a real pickle because I am tempted to introduce DH to some new things, but if he takes to them, then I am worried my feelings for him will change. I just can't help side eying men who share my proclivities.

-OP

So you're setting him up by asking him to try things knowing that if he says yes (because he wants to please you), it will actually be an emotional turn-off.

You need a whole lot of therapy before you get married. If you actually care about this guy, please do him the great service of getting your head on straight before you walk down the aisle.

[Anonymous]

Might have something to do with some incompatibility between what makes a good long term mate and what makes an exciting sex partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you really do accept yourself. If you truly thought that your proclivities were okay, you wouldn't think that they make another person "dirty." You still think that consensual sexual behaviors are morally significant.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you with freaky DHs wonder about them at all? Like a man who is super horny and has fringe tastes really be faithful. When I was single, I met many, many high libido men whose wives swore they were 100% faithful and yet, they were banging hookers, trannies, everything on the side.

I have a high sex drive but luckily my wife is the same way. I have no desire to bang hookers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP is simply projecting her feelings of self-loathing onto prospective partners. She's got these qualities/tendencies that in her own words equate herself with a whore, but she accepts it as just "who she is".
But then she turns around and absolutely despises the same qualities/tendencies if she sees them present in someone she's dating and refuses to accept it in others as just "who they are".

1/2 of the Western world needs therapy.

The funny thing is that I really do accept myself. I do not feel any guilt about my proclivities and I never have. Even as a child, I knew I was different from the other kids and I was totally comfortable with that. But you are right, I can't accept the same tendencies in men.

I am not trying to change this about myself.

I am just curious about why I feel this way and if there are others who feel this way too. Usually, men are the ones who have such madonna/whore mentalities. You don't really hear about women having the same mentality towards men.

Let me ask you this OP...
When you begin dating a guy are you open and upfront about your proclivities or is it something you prefer to keep to yourself and resign to the fact that "he'll find out eventually"?
If its something you keep to yourself then it makes sense why you have a tendency to turn your nose up at guys who are too depraved in my eyes to meet my family and be the father of my children and it makes sense why the man you've been with for the last two years bores me sexually, but I respect him as a man - - - basically you're putting on airs of being the sweet "good" girl and have internalized your proclivities. You've essentially idealized that sweet "good" girl persona and have followed the lead of all those in your family and community growing up who looked down on the perceived whorish girls of the day and you don't want to be chastised and ostracized like them. So...there's the public OP and the private OP and she wants a husband who is 100% because her status and reputation are on the line.

When I was single, I was open and upfront about my sexuality with men who I knew I saw no long term potential in. I was not open and upfront with men I saw long term potential in because the idea was to get to know them as people first. Then when I would get to know them and realize they are upstanding men, I would relate to them with the part of me that is the same way or I would relegate them to fuck buddy status, if they were not sufficiently respectable.

I think you are on to something about wanting a husband who matches my status and reputation.

I am estranged from most of my family and don't give a shit what any of them think about anything. But I have a standard I like to maintain for my own ego and a respectable husband is part of that. I am pretty sure that I am considered a respectable person by everyone who knows me, even by those who do not like me.

[Anonymous]

^^That was me, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you really do accept yourself. If you truly thought that your proclivities were okay, you wouldn't think that they make another person "dirty." You still think that consensual sexual behaviors are morally significant.

This is true - I do think that consensual sexual behaviors are morally significant. The fact that I am partaking in these activities does not prevent me from judging other participants. Yet, I am comfortable with myself. It's weird, I know. I don't feel any shame and I often relive my "greatest hits" in my mind without any guilt. I just am not as forgiving towards men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you with freaky DHs wonder about them at all? Like a man who is super horny and has fringe tastes really be faithful. When I was single, I met many, many high libido men whose wives swore they were 100% faithful and yet, they were banging hookers, trannies, everything on the side.

I have a high sex drive but luckily my wife is the same way. I have no desire to bang hookers.

And if the day came when her sex drive waned?

[Anonymous]

Op, do you think it's fair to set your boyfriend up like this? "Hunny, let's do this. I'm really into it". "Well now that we've done it I've lost respect for you". It's manipulative and a shitty thing to do. He doesn't deserve it. Please take a long hard look at yourself and determine if some Works needs to be done before you are ready to get married. Because from what you post here, you aren't mature enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a real pickle because I am tempted to introduce DH to some new things, but if he takes to them, then I am worried my feelings for him will change. I just can't help side eying men who share my proclivities.

-OP

So you're setting him up by asking him to try things knowing that if he says yes (because he wants to please you), it will actually be an emotional turn-off.

You need a whole lot of therapy before you get married. If you actually care about this guy, please do him the great service of getting your head on straight before you walk down the aisle.

It's weird, right? My sexual needs and emotional needs are diametrically opposed and men who can fill one cannot fill the other. I don't want some therapist convincing me that some nasty freak should be my husband. There's only enough room in my real life for one nasty freak and that's me, lol.

I am not looking for help in this thread. I am just wondering if there are others who think the way I do and why they think we may have turned out this way. How about the guys on the board? Any men willing to confess to a madonna/whore complex? Women are always too damn emotional and concerned with fairness to have these kinds of frank conversations.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for your boyfriend. At some point you're going to set him up because of your issues. And you know who will be at fault for that? You. But you're just going to screw up your relationship because you won't work on your own issues. Mature. I hope he gets out before you really hurt him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a real pickle because I am tempted to introduce DH to some new things, but if he takes to them, then I am worried my feelings for him will change. I just can't help side eying men who share my proclivities.

-OP

So you're setting him up by asking him to try things knowing that if he says yes (because he wants to please you), it will actually be an emotional turn-off.

You need a whole lot of therapy before you get married. If you actually care about this guy, please do him the great service of getting your head on straight before you walk down the aisle.

It's weird, right? My sexual needs and emotional needs are diametrically opposed and men who can fill one cannot fill the other. I don't want some therapist convincing me that some nasty freak should be my husband. There's only enough room in my real life for one nasty freak and that's me, lol.

I am not looking for help in this thread. I am just wondering if there are others who think the way I do and why they think we may have turned out this way. How about the guys on the board? Any men willing to confess to a madonna/whore complex? Women are always too damn emotional and concerned with fairness to have these kinds of frank conversations.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your boyfriend. At some point you're going to set him up because of your issues. And you know who will be at fault for that? You. But you're just going to screw up your relationship because you won't work on your own issues. Mature. I hope he gets out before you really hurt him.

I am not going to lead him down that road. I'll keep it vanilla for the sake of our future. I find innocence very attractive and his awkwardness in bed doesn't directly turn me on sexually, but it really endears him to me and makes me love him even more.

I do see the set up you are talking about and I feel bad about that.