Need advice on 18 yo son with rebellion and drug issues

[Anonymous]

At 18 it is hard to get a handle on what you are dealing with drug-wise. Been there. So many lies from my kid I am not sure I will ever be able to accept what he says at face value. Hang in. It's not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part for the reason I did not redshirt.

You have real issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 18 it is hard to get a handle on what you are dealing with drug-wise. Been there. So many lies from my kid I am not sure I will ever be able to accept what he says at face value. Hang in. It's not easy.

PP with kid who used to use drugs. The constant lying was one of the worst aspects of my DC using.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many are not a fan of this, but I'd require weekly drug testing.

Have a set day (not random) and let him know--in advance!--what the consequence is if he fails--no car use for a month or whatever. I'd do this in as neutral a way as possible, and make sure he knows that refusal to take a test is the same as a failed test and gets the same consequence. Then follow through.

Order the eleven drug test off the internet--much cheaper than CVS. Obviously, if he tests positive for opiates or the like, you will have to re-assess your strategy.

I do agree that it would be a good idea to try to get at the root of what is causing the problem, but this is going to take time and patience. In the meantime you have younger kids at home you need to protect from the drug use. Drug testing can be a very effective deterrent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too am facing these exact same issues. Anyone been thru this and found success?

Yes. And I disagree with some of what has been posted here.

OP's DS is over 18 and living at home. He has been using drugs and there are indications of mental health problems. This is not a child who should be sent out of the house to sink and swim. The world does not need yet another mentally unstable drug using homeless person.

It can be very difficult to get a person over 18 into therapy until they are ready. But drug use has got to stop for many reasons, but the one that should be the focus here is that it can cause/exacerbate mental health problems.

I am the drug testing mom. What I set down was a weekly drug test at a set time as a condition of living at home, and the consequence of failing (this can vary) was going to an outpatient rehab. This was made clear up front as was the stipulation that refusal to take a test was treated as a positive test.

After several months of negative tests (I actually did twice a week, which you have to do to catch drugs other than pot), three or four tests were missed because I was on a long business trip. Child came to me and said they needed help and I got them immediately into an outpatient program. For various reasons this lasted only several weeks but it was enough to get things in motion with therapy and NA.

We were dealing with a serious drug and child had to go through detox--did at home because child refused to do outside in a locked facility. Pretty miserable. Child has not used for over a year and faithfully attends NA meetings and goes to therapy. We are not entirely there with college and the rest but I am hoping time will be the healer.

Drug testing saved my child's life. I could have put them in a residential program I suppose but I researched this to death and came away very unimpressed with what any but one or two could do on the mental health front, even those that claim to be dual diagnosis (almost all have the assumption that drug use has caused the mental health problems so ending drug use solves the psychiatric piece--way too simplistic). Even at really expensive rehabs you are lucky to get individual therapy once a week.

Good job, Mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two teen boys ages 17 and 18.

The 18 year old started doing this. It is heartbreaking because of our 4 kids, he is hands down the brightest. I mean sharp as hell.

I love him to death. He was the nicest newborn and baby. He smiled at everyone, all the time.

My spouse is in the Military. We are not pushing him to enlist.

What works for him,at this time, is getting a job.

He was blowing off school and his homework. He did and does not care about grades and tests.

So the school has a program where they take enough courses to get their hs diploma, but then get released everyday to go to their job.

Our son works everyday from at least 11 am until 5, or sometimes later, even 7.

He gets Saturday off, and works Sunday from 2-7.

He pays his used car payment of $150 each month, and most of his gas for said car.

We pay his insurance and he is on our family phone plan.

His attitude toward money, taxes, time off, and work has turned around 2 billion percent.

He comes home tired and watches tv with us after gratefully eating the dinner I prepared.

He goes out with friends 1-2 times a week, but always, always, always comes home early because he has to get up for school and work.

He did pretty good on his ACT and has already told his brother that when he leaves work each day he is so glad, because work is hard.

I am hoping he will work for a bit longer, and then realize college is the place to be. Our oldest is a junior in college and thinks he would just find a bunch of party bros at college if he went now.

I would def make sure he was getting help for depression or any mental health issues. So far, I do not think my kid was doing what he did because of those types of issues. He was just tired of school, wanted to play reindeer games on our dime, and thought he could.

Good luck!

Good job, Mom!

[Anonymous]

Last poster, you are wise Mom to have rules for the family and to realize there is no timeline on getting an education. Better that your oldest son has regained a life/work balance in his life and is seeing the value of things you have been teaching him. Hang in there and you will likely have a wonderful, young adult son emerge.

[Anonymous]

Is there a brand of the 11 drug panel anyone can recommend?

[Anonymous]

I was a bit rebellious and drank/used drugs as did most of my friends. We all went to college, got jobs and are functioning members if society. OP, you know the specifics but don't assume that just because he's doing this now his life will be ruined. I'd still go with the suggestions of PPs but I would encourage you not to jump to conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a brand of the 11 drug panel anyone can recommend?

iCup--do a Google search.

[Anonymous]

Your son is an adult. A young adult, but an adult. He may still be in high school, but he is not a child any longer. I would let him know that you love him and care for him and want to support him, but that there are minimum requirements for living in your home and for having his education financed. One of those is that he follow your house rules. The other is that he not do drugs. (I also like the idea of weekly drug testing.)

If he is positive, he can get rehab or he can move out. Let him know he will always be welcome to return if he is clean or if he wants help getting clean.

College might not be in the cards for him next year. That's okay. It's more important for him to be okay and to get his life straightened out.

My brother was down a deep, dark drug road and dropped out of high school at 16. He moved away and lived with my aunt a few hours away, got his GED, got a scholarship to technical school, and became a mechanic. It was the BEST thing he ever did. He probably would have died in a few years if he stayed on the path he was on. Instead, he got a job making more than double what I made out of college.

Start treating your son like an adult and see what happens. He gets to choose what he wants his life to be. you get to choose the conditions under which you will provide continued housing and financial support. Make those clear to him and let him choose.