Need advice on 18 yo son with rebellion and drug issues

[Anonymous]

either botch graduating from HS or have his college acceptances rescinded

This is not your burden. This will be decided by someone else, the colleges.
There is too great a risk that "your worries", your worries about "what might be"
will lead to a worse relationship, and a worse result. So, stop it, Deal only with
"what is". If his acceptances hold, I would send him. There is a chance that
independence is what he needs. He's a grown man.

[Anonymous]

I was the healthy sister when all this went down over 20 years ago with my brother. Blew up in to full-fledged psychosis. Get your other kids resources too. Family therapy can help. I'd bet despite your best efforts they're feeling neglected and confused.

[Anonymous]

He has senioritis. He's burnt out and has jumped through all the hoops he had to, and now is finished. You didn't mention how his grades are.

I'd look at what rules he has in place, and see which ones can be loosened. Then I'd tell him it's clear he wants to branch out and be treated like an adult. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to act like one. Adults don't do things that put them at risk for getting arrested, like using illegal drugs. Adults don't make people they share a house with worry about their safety at night. So when they're leaving, they say when they'll be back. Adults clean up after themselves on a regular basis. If he could stick to those, I'd loosen whatever else I could and see if that fixes things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the info so far. When a kid is 18 there is not much you can do to address depression or anxiety if they are not willing. This comes from 3 medical professionals. Clearly he is depressed, self-medicating or something else is at play here. We are trying to get him to see a medical professional, trust me. We are a married intact family with 4 kids. This is all new to us. We are trying to figure out the actual mechanics of living with him day to day. We can't ignore our other kids. He's 18. [/quote]

I would work on giving him the independence he is craving. He is a MAN. Let him take a year off, get a job and live on his own. Heck, maybe go overseas and teach English. He will either sink or swim. Do not baby him,or come up with any plans or control freakish crap like weekly drug testing. My brother was into pot and worse. He left home to eek out an existence on his own, clear across the country. Best thing that ever happened to him and the family.

[Anonymous]

Encourage him to sign up to serve in the armed forces.

[Anonymous]

Are you the one paying for school? Tell him he cleans up or you don't pay. If he doesn't clean up, contact the school and try to negotiate deferred enrollment -- say he wants to take a gap year. Then spend the next year addressing these issues head on, with inpatient rehab if necessary.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I don't have personal experience. I'm trying to help a friend who's in the same position with her 16 year old. But she's in half-denial herself. And I'm trying to encourage her to get him help now since it's so much harder at 18.

Here is some advice I think I'd try in your shoes.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/02/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-when-you-think-theyre-using-drugs/

The article says not to punish. I find that hard myself. But I'd try not to. However, if he has access to driving a car, I'd stop that access immediately. Because drinking and driving or drugging and driving is so incredibly dangerous. And if he gets in an accident with someone else while driving your car, you will get sued. I guarantee that.

Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

This is part for the reason I did not redshirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part for the reason I did not redshirt.

You're a complete idiot, get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I don't have personal experience. I'm trying to help a friend who's in the same position with her 16 year old. But she's in half-denial herself. And I'm trying to encourage her to get him help now since it's so much harder at 18.

Here is some advice I think I'd try in your shoes.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/02/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-when-you-think-theyre-using-drugs/

The article says not to punish. I find that hard myself. But I'd try not to. However, if he has access to driving a car, I'd stop that access immediately. Because drinking and driving or drugging and driving is so incredibly dangerous. And if he gets in an accident with someone else while driving your car, you will get sued. I guarantee that.

Big hugs.

Excellent article.

[Anonymous]

I too am facing these exact same issues. Anyone been thru this and found success?

[Anonymous]

We tried the serious talks and show love and no punishment, it failed. Sadly, still using a year later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too am facing these exact same issues. Anyone been thru this and found success?

Yes. And I disagree with some of what has been posted here.

OP's DS is over 18 and living at home. He has been using drugs and there are indications of mental health problems. This is not a child who should be sent out of the house to sink and swim. The world does not need yet another mentally unstable drug using homeless person.

It can be very difficult to get a person over 18 into therapy until they are ready. But drug use has got to stop for many reasons, but the one that should be the focus here is that it can cause/exacerbate mental health problems.

I am the drug testing mom. What I set down was a weekly drug test at a set time as a condition of living at home, and the consequence of failing (this can vary) was going to an outpatient rehab. This was made clear up front as was the stipulation that refusal to take a test was treated as a positive test.

After several months of negative tests (I actually did twice a week, which you have to do to catch drugs other than pot), three or four tests were missed because I was on a long business trip. Child came to me and said they needed help and I got them immediately into an outpatient program. For various reasons this lasted only several weeks but it was enough to get things in motion with therapy and NA.

We were dealing with a serious drug and child had to go through detox--did at home because child refused to do outside in a locked facility. Pretty miserable. Child has not used for over a year and faithfully attends NA meetings and goes to therapy. We are not entirely there with college and the rest but I am hoping time will be the healer.

Drug testing saved my child's life. I could have put them in a residential program I suppose but I researched this to death and came away very unimpressed with what any but one or two could do on the mental health front, even those that claim to be dual diagnosis (almost all have the assumption that drug use has caused the mental health problems so ending drug use solves the psychiatric piece--way too simplistic). Even at really expensive rehabs you are lucky to get individual therapy once a week.

[Anonymous]

We have two teen boys ages 17 and 18.

The 18 year old started doing this. It is heartbreaking because of our 4 kids, he is hands down the brightest. I mean sharp as hell.

I love him to death. He was the nicest newborn and baby. He smiled at everyone, all the time.

My spouse is in the Military. We are not pushing him to enlist.

What works for him,at this time, is getting a job.

He was blowing off school and his homework. He did and does not care about grades and tests.

So the school has a program where they take enough courses to get their hs diploma, but then get released everyday to go to their job.

Our son works everyday from at least 11 am until 5, or sometimes later, even 7.

He gets Saturday off, and works Sunday from 2-7.

He pays his used car payment of $150 each month, and most of his gas for said car.

We pay his insurance and he is on our family phone plan.

His attitude toward money, taxes, time off, and work has turned around 2 billion percent.

He comes home tired and watches tv with us after gratefully eating the dinner I prepared.

He goes out with friends 1-2 times a week, but always, always, always comes home early because he has to get up for school and work.

He did pretty good on his ACT and has already told his brother that when he leaves work each day he is so glad, because work is hard.

I am hoping he will work for a bit longer, and then realize college is the place to be. Our oldest is a junior in college and thinks he would just find a bunch of party bros at college if he went now.

I would def make sure he was getting help for depression or any mental health issues. So far, I do not think my kid was doing what he did because of those types of issues. He was just tired of school, wanted to play reindeer games on our dime, and thought he could.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Second (third? fourth?) the recommendation that he get a job. My son was diagnosed with severe depression at age 15, was self-medicating, and the grades were going down. He agreed to therapy and meds -- he doesn't like the meds or think they do much good (and we've tried several). But after two tries we found a therapist he loves and has really bonded with. So be prepared to shop around for therapists.

He also found a challenging after-shool job in a field he's passionate about (sorry, I don't want to name it). DC's been working there for nearly a year and I can't express how good it's been for him.

If I had to find the common thread between the therapist and the job, it would be that these introduced him to adults who aren't us, but who tell him, with humor but seriously, to toe the line. This is the real world! Also, I think we lucked out in that both adults (the therapist and his coworkers at the after-school job) are role models.

I've heard other stories, from friends, about kids who took a year off, realized that without a college degree they'd be stuck clerking at Walmart, and pretty soon begged their parents for college.