Need advice on 18 yo son with rebellion and drug issues
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Anonymous
| My son turned 18 in the fall and is a senior in HS. We have caught him with pot on several occasions. There have been discussions and consequences every time. Things would seem to be back on track and then we would catch him again. He has gotten into college and has started skipping school a lot and breaking house rules (breaking curfew, disregarding respectful behavior, ignoring chores, angry outbursts, etc. ). We are concerned that he will push this rebellion too far and either botch graduating from HS or have his college acceptances rescinded. We have encouraged him to see a therapist and he flat out refuses. We are getting guidance from a therapist ourselves. We are concerned that his drug use has extended beyond pot. Are there any parents that have been through something similar? We want to be there for our kid, but draw the line at him being a tyrant in our home. We have younger kids and cannot condone any drug use. What would you do? |
Anonymous
| Haven't been there, but wanted to say good luck and hang in there. |
Anonymous
| You need to get down to the underlying reasons for his behavior. Stop generalizing it as "rebellion" and figure out what is actually motivating him. This may require listening to him say things that are very hard for you to hear. Try to keep an open mind and figure out what is underneath it. |
Anonymous
|
I guess bottom line you do want to make sure he gets his high school diploma. However, it can be clearly stated that whether he likes to hear it or not that college is a privilege and not a right so if he expects to go, he has to follow certain house rules. I would seriously see in consultation with your therapist how you can require him to get a drug screening for other use. You also need to let him know if he is living in your home that you and DH have the right to search his room at any time because there can be no drugs in your home. Does he have a job because maybe he has too much time on his hands? Sounds like it will be a very long summer. |
Anonymous
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Is he:
Self-medicating for depression or anxiety Trying to avoid going to college for some reason Failing school and doesn't want to tell you Angry at his family for some real or perceived issue You say "my son" and then "we"-- are you a blended family? |
Anonymous
| No advice for OP, but I offer you comfort as I am going thru the exact same thing. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for the info so far. When a kid is 18 there is not much you can do to address depression or anxiety if they are not willing. This comes from 3 medical professionals. Clearly he is depressed, self-medicating or something else is at play here. We are trying to get him to see a medical professional, trust me. We are a married intact family with 4 kids. This is all new to us. We are trying to figure out the actual mechanics of living with him day to day. We can't ignore our other kids. He's 18. |
Anonymous
|
Many are not a fan of this, but I'd require weekly drug testing.
Have a set day (not random) and let him know--in advance!--what the consequence is if he fails--no car use for a month or whatever. I'd do this in as neutral a way as possible, and make sure he knows that refusal to take a test is the same as a failed test and gets the same consequence. Then follow through. Order the eleven drug test off the internet--much cheaper than CVS. Obviously, if he tests positive for opiates or the like, you will have to re-assess your strategy. I do agree that it would be a good idea to try to get at the root of what is causing the problem, but this is going to take time and patience. In the meantime you have younger kids at home you need to protect from the drug use. Drug testing can be a very effective deterrent. |
Anonymous
| After battling almost the same thing for the past year, I have come to the realization that I really can't control this. Unfortunately, I don't think any of our conversations or any of his punishments have had an impact and I think he is going to have to figure this out on his own. |
Anonymous
What's your situation pp. Tell us more. |
Anonymous
Talk to a professional PP or go to an al-Anon meeting, which is for family members. Don't just write off your kid. |
Anonymous
| OP, kudos for seeing a therapist yourself. I had different issues with my DC and found it invaluable. Ultimately you cannot control your DS so you need to decide how you are going to react. |
Anonymous
| Seeing your own therapist will help. OP, the hardest part of this process is often that the kid's issues are things that the parents do not want to hear, that cause them pain or reflect poorly on their choices, or that feel unfair. Make it as easy as possible for your child to tell you difficult things. Remain calm and do your best not to get angry or upset. I know it's incredibly hard. |
Anonymous
| As someone who went through this at 18 myself, I am very happy to see you recognize the possibility of depression self-medication issues, are encouraging him to see s therapist, and are seeing one yourself. You deserve credit for not reacting defensively. It sounds like you are trying to react with live, which is exactly what you need to do, I believe. Good luck to you. It can get better. |
Anonymous
| *love, not live |