Am I asking too much from DH?

[Anonymous]

Time for husband to get on some drugs either prescribed by a doctor or some Molly from a dealer; something.

[Anonymous]

MikeL wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is who he is, and this is what you have. I don't think I could screw my kids over for sex, but YMMV.

Who's asking her to "screw her kids over"?

She is contemplating divorce, isn't she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My question...am I asking too much of him? Am I now at the point of saying well, this is who he is, I have to take this life or leave it? Or do I keep pushing? It seems utterly crazy to split up my family over sex, but the lack of consistent, even halfway decent sex is an awful way for me to live...and I have already done it for multiple years. Living like this is so unattractive to me, but divorcing is also not an attractive option, so I am at a crossroads.

I don't think you are asking too much of him. I think the crazy part for me is that he is choosing to do nothing. I can't imagine what is going on inside his mind and what things he may be wrestling with. I just think as your husband he should be willing to at least try to figure out what is going on for himself, for you, for the marriage. If he can't do that, he needs to be willing to let you go and he is either on his own romantically speaking or with someone that would be happy in that sort of marriage. You are being put in a no-win situation.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being totally reasonable, sex is a really important part of being human (or any animal really) it is completely unfair to both refuse to even attempt to meet your partner's sexual needs and forbid them from fulfilling their needs elsewhere. So I have two lines of advice: continue trying to improve your sex life and work towards opening up your marriage.

You may have already tried this considering you've been working on this for so long, but I think you should change your approach. Don't talk about how your unsatisfied or how he has a problem, just make it fun and positive. Introduce new fun ideas (like first you can use your mouth on him, then he can use mouth and toys on you, then he can do a second round of penetration on you which should last longer since it's his second round, but even if it doesn't hopefully you will already feel more satisfied), introduce cock rings or numbing gel, send him dirty texts and ask him to take care of himself first (also discuss his fantasies and cater to those). The point is to keep it positive and fun. I dated a guy who was 24 with some ED issues, but it really all came from him worrying about it, after a while of keeping things positive he was able to get out of his head and overcome it.

I would also try to keep things positive in regards to opening up the marriage (don't approach it like you refuse to seek help so I need to go elsewhere) instead start dropping hints like "oh did you hear there's this new trend of couples being 'monogomish,"' read some savage love columns to him about open relationships, show him some websites and news articles about the benefits and how to set up rules so that couples don't feel hurt. Slowly ease him into the idea, this is how I approached it with my husband and he's amazingly been quite open to it though haven't actually tried anything outside of our marriage yet.

If none of that works I guess I would go for the affair route still before divorce, it really is a shame to break up a family over it, but this is an understandable need. Good luck OP I feel for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you saying you want more physical intimacy in a variety of forms? Or are you very focused on inter course and focusing on what can be done to "cure" the PE problem?

If the latter, I think you need to broaden your definition of intimacy. I feel bad for your husband if he has technical difficulty and you are overly focusing on that when he could be physically satisfying you in ways outside of intercourse.

Op here. I think that you missed half of my post. Yes the PE is a problem, and I was very supportive about it for years. After a while, when he acknowledges that it is a problem that bothers him as well as me but does nothing to try to fix it on his own volition, I lose empathy. He wants me to take the initiative to fix the problems in our marriage (sex and otherwise) but he will only do so under duress. He needs to meet me halfway here. Either he says yes, I will try to figure this out and he does it, or he says no, I don't want to go to the doctor, let's try other things. Either way, he is giving me truthful answers and I know with what I am dealing. Instead, he says yes I will try to figure this out and never does, effectively stringing me along and putting me in the position of having to ask where we are with things or staying in the dark.

Yes the PE is a problem. The last two times we attempted sex he didn't make it past 5 seconds of intercourse. If he had a known medical condition or I something else of course I would keep my disappointment to myself. But it is the elephant in the room that I have tried to address, without success, even though it also bothers DH to the point of not getting it checked out and withdrawing from most intimacy.

Re the pp who mentioned porn...we are together so much that the only time he would be able to do that is at work, and he sits in an open cube so not sure that is it. I am up a lot during the night and he is always asleep...it is possible that nights I sleep he is on the computer. I will have to ask, once again, what is going on.

My $0.02:

1) Get a vibrator and use it. Take a break from expecting/seeking sex with your husband.
2) Rebuild your intimacy in non sexual ways. Hanging out together, hugging, laughing.
3) When you've rebuilt the intimacy enough to talk about sex, introduce the vibrator/toys to your "sexual menu". After he PE's, he can use those things.

[tarrant]

Anonymous wrote:I assume premature ejaculation.

Have you ever tried to solve this problem? Let me tell you this if your premature ejaculation is caused by a physical condition, treating the underlying condition should help (https://worldpharm365.com/product/priligy-60mg-dapoxetine-prejac-buy-with-bitcoin/ - that's what my urologist has prescribed to me, and what eventually worked for me). Your doctor can suggest possible treatment options proceeding exactly from your physical condition. Treating premature ejaculation caused by psychological factors can be more challenging. However, most men who persevere with treatment find the problem resolves.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you listen to/read Dan Savage? You should ask him about this!

[Anonymous]

Will be a little explicit here but what kinds of things have you tried? Some ideas for him...

- masturbate about an hour before sex
- have sex on sequential nights and see if repeated sex helps (it doesn’t help when he goes weeks bw sessions)
- cock ring?
- numbing cream for him
- get in shape (life weights), eat right

All these things should help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 12 years, 2 kids 8and 6yo. DH and I are in counseling because we had become so passive aggressive with each other due to his inability to talk about anything substantive about our marriage. Sex has always been a problem...I have a higher drive. DH has problems with PE. The first few years I was very supportive and sympathetic but he did nothing to address his issue besides stop initiating sex. We went to a sex therapist, she helped quite a bit, and sex was good enough for a year. Then kids came along and we were technically sexless for many years, and he sex we had was at my behest and very, very meh. Over the years I asked him to initiate, I asked him if he wasn't aggregated to me, etc. I never got real answers and even though he promised to initiate more he would for a week and then we were back to square one.

I recently told him that I could not live like this anymore, that I was lonely in the marriage. We have been going to counseling, which has helped him be more open to communication and not shut down. The sex is just pretty bad now because of his very PE. I won't go into details because this is not the explicit forum...but I am hugely unsatisfied. I asked him (not for the first time) if he would get a medical exam to check his hormones, etc., and he said he would. I got the rec of a urologist and gave it to him (we are new to the area so didn't know who to call). A month has gone by and he still has not called to make an appt.

It is becoming abundantly clear that he and I are not at all on the same page sexually, and that he would rather bury his head in the same and not deal with our sex life. It is also clear that by doing this, he is holding me hostage because I am not supposed to have sex outside of the marriage.

My question...am I asking too much of him? Am I now at the point of saying well, this is who he is, I have to take this life or leave it? Or do I keep pushing? It seems utterly crazy to split up my family over sex, but the lack of consistent, even halfway decent sex is an awful way for me to live...and I have already done it for multiple years. Living like this is so unattractive to me, but divorcing is also not an attractive option, so I am at a crossroads.

OP, no one can tell you if you're expecting too much of him. I can share with you my experience of living both with a sexless marriage and a husband with a PE.

We've been together for 11 years, married for 9. DH has a high drive but a very, very PE. What worked (when we had regular sex) was for me to insist on a long prelude and an O for me, and then he could go to town. I don't care about intercourse itself so it didn't matter to me how long it lasted. Oral also helped (as a replacement for intercourse), for some reason he could last longer with that.

We also went through a long period of sexless life. It hurt initially, then it didn't. What worked for me (and still does) is that in my mind, I've completely disconnected anything related to my sexuality and beauty from DH's opinion. That is to say, I don't need his validation to feel beautiful; there are billions of men in this world who probably would find me unattractive, so what's it to me? If he doesn't want to have sex with me, it doesn't mean I'm unsexy, I'm just unsexy to HIM, so what? If he compliments me, all good, if he doesn't, all good.

I wouldn't break the family over this because to me, the family is not about sex. I would find discreet release somewhere else. I would also - and I think this is very important - stop putting any pressure on DH to have sex. To me, expectations about sex are a huge turnoff; no one likes to be milked. Enjoy his company in other ways, laugh together, spend time, do something you like together, express your affection in non-sexual ways. At his point he is probably scared of any sexual touch from you because he feels that once you go down this road, he must perform, and that's a turnoff. Decouple sexual attention from sex. That might help. Good luck. It's tough but it's not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this will help, but my DH and I were having similar issues. I casually mentioned that a friend of mine had just gotten caught having an affair, after she and her DH had drifted apart. I just mentioned it in passing, and did not intend for him to draw any conclusions. But.... it sure lit a fire under his ass, and he finally started taking steps to work on our issues.

[Anonymous]

OP, no one can tell you if you're expecting too much of him. I can share with you my experience of living both with a sexless marriage and a husband with a PE.

OP started the thread three and a half years ago, FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, no one can tell you if you're expecting too much of him. I can share with you my experience of living both with a sexless marriage and a husband with a PE.

OP started the thread three and a half years ago, FYI.

Great catch - now I’m curious what happened!! Damn these anonymous threads