Am I asking too much from DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he has a porn addiction or is attracted to something you cannot provide (like, not attracted to females or not attracted to adults), or are you sure he has low drive?

Wow. What a messed-up conclusion to jump to.

You hear that, men? If you stop initiating with your wife, it means that you must be a pedo.

groan....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is who he is, and this is what you have. I don't think I could screw my kids over for sex, but YMMV.

This

[Anonymous]

What is PE?

[Anonymous]

I assume premature ejaculation.

[Anonymous]

I was in a largely sexless marriage with a guy who I thought had a low sex drive. It turned out he was a closet porn addict and was satisfying his drive elsewhere. Not initiating or seeking sex doesn't necessarily mean low drive.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you saying you want more physical intimacy in a variety of forms? Or are you very focused on inter course and focusing on what can be done to "cure" the PE problem?

If the latter, I think you need to broaden your definition of intimacy. I feel bad for your husband if he has technical difficulty and you are overly focusing on that when he could be physically satisfying you in ways outside of intercourse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you saying you want more physical intimacy in a variety of forms? Or are you very focused on inter course and focusing on what can be done to "cure" the PE problem?

If the latter, I think you need to broaden your definition of intimacy. I feel bad for your husband if he has technical difficulty and you are overly focusing on that when he could be physically satisfying you in ways outside of intercourse.

Op here. I think that you missed half of my post. Yes the PE is a problem, and I was very supportive about it for years. After a while, when he acknowledges that it is a problem that bothers him as well as me but does nothing to try to fix it on his own volition, I lose empathy. He wants me to take the initiative to fix the problems in our marriage (sex and otherwise) but he will only do so under duress. He needs to meet me halfway here. Either he says yes, I will try to figure this out and he does it, or he says no, I don't want to go to the doctor, let's try other things. Either way, he is giving me truthful answers and I know with what I am dealing. Instead, he says yes I will try to figure this out and never does, effectively stringing me along and putting me in the position of having to ask where we are with things or staying in the dark.

Yes the PE is a problem. The last two times we attempted sex he didn't make it past 5 seconds of intercourse. If he had a known medical condition or I something else of course I would keep my disappointment to myself. But it is the elephant in the room that I have tried to address, without success, even though it also bothers DH to the point of not getting it checked out and withdrawing from most intimacy.

Re the pp who mentioned porn...we are together so much that the only time he would be able to do that is at work, and he sits in an open cube so not sure that is it. I am up a lot during the night and he is always asleep...it is possible that nights I sleep he is on the computer. I will have to ask, once again, what is going on.

[Anonymous]

OP, has your DH already tried the "take the bullet out of the chamber first" method for PE?

(i.e., masturbate a little while before sex)

[Anonymous]

Don't divorce over this if he is otherwise a good dad and husband. And do NOT ask for an open marriage either. Honestly, you need to find a discreet man on the side who can satisfy you. No strings or expectations. He won't know/care, his feelings/pride will be in tact and you will stop obsessing over what is missing in your marriage. This will free you up to remember what is actually good in your marriage. I know people will flame away but divorce is not the answer here and you already tried counseling. take care of yourself so you can take care of your family and keep it in tact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't divorce over this if he is otherwise a good dad and husband. And do NOT ask for an open marriage either. Honestly, you need to find a discreet man on the side who can satisfy you. No strings or expectations. He won't know/care, his feelings/pride will be in tact and you will stop obsessing over what is missing in your marriage. This will free you up to remember what is actually good in your marriage. I know people will flame away but divorce is not the answer here and you already tried counseling. take care of yourself so you can take care of your family and keep it in tact.

Op here. I really appreciate this. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is crazy. Yes he should make the appt but yeah you do sound like you place way too high priority on sex.

You kids will kind you disgusting when they found out thats why you dumped dad.

Eww[/quote

You are an IDIOT and entirely unhelpful. It is obvious it is not just about the sex but intimacy, feeling desired, connected. OP ignore this PP, sounds like a 14 year old or a bible banger or perhaps both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you saying you want more physical intimacy in a variety of forms? Or are you very focused on inter course and focusing on what can be done to "cure" the PE problem?

If the latter, I think you need to broaden your definition of intimacy. I feel bad for your husband if he has technical difficulty and you are overly focusing on that when he could be physically satisfying you in ways outside of intercourse.

Op here. I think that you missed half of my post. Yes the PE is a problem, and I was very supportive about it for years. After a while, when he acknowledges that it is a problem that bothers him as well as me but does nothing to try to fix it on his own volition, I lose empathy. He wants me to take the initiative to fix the problems in our marriage (sex and otherwise) but he will only do so under duress. He needs to meet me halfway here. Either he says yes, I will try to figure this out and he does it, or he says no, I don't want to go to the doctor, let's try other things. Either way, he is giving me truthful answers and I know with what I am dealing. Instead, he says yes I will try to figure this out and never does, effectively stringing me along and putting me in the position of having to ask where we are with things or staying in the dark.

Yes the PE is a problem. The last two times we attempted sex he didn't make it past 5 seconds of intercourse. If he had a known medical condition or I something else of course I would keep my disappointment to myself. But it is the elephant in the room that I have tried to address, without success, even though it also bothers DH to the point of not getting it checked out and withdrawing from most intimacy.

Re the pp who mentioned porn...we are together so much that the only time he would be able to do that is at work, and he sits in an open cube so not sure that is it. I am up a lot during the night and he is always asleep...it is possible that nights I sleep he is on the computer. I will have to ask, once again, what is going on.

No, I did not miss half your post. My point is that you seem overly focused on intercourse. There are many ways to be physically intimate outside of "penis goes into vagina and lasts a long time."

And I am a woman, not a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't divorce over this if he is otherwise a good dad and husband. And do NOT ask for an open marriage either. Honestly, you need to find a discreet man on the side who can satisfy you. No strings or expectations. He won't know/care, his feelings/pride will be in tact and you will stop obsessing over what is missing in your marriage. This will free you up to remember what is actually good in your marriage. I know people will flame away but divorce is not the answer here and you already tried counseling. take care of yourself so you can take care of your family and keep it in tact.

+1

Sex and intimacy are reasonable expectations of marriage. If he isn't willing to work on being a reasonably good sex partner, he has abandoned marital bonds. Either sex is a big deal to him and therefore he needs to work with her on a solution, or it isn't a big deal and he should have no problem with his wife getting sex and intimacy outside of the marriage.

I also don't see how it's more virtuous to split up the family home when the problem may be able to be solved by OP getting something dicreete on the side. Perhaps her DH will be relieved he isn't being bothered for sex anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't divorce over this if he is otherwise a good dad and husband. And do NOT ask for an open marriage either. Honestly, you need to find a discreet man on the side who can satisfy you. No strings or expectations. He won't know/care, his feelings/pride will be in tact and you will stop obsessing over what is missing in your marriage. This will free you up to remember what is actually good in your marriage. I know people will flame away but divorce is not the answer here and you already tried counseling. take care of yourself so you can take care of your family and keep it in tact.

+1

Sex and intimacy are reasonable expectations of marriage. If he isn't willing to work on being a reasonably good sex partner, he has abandoned marital bonds. Either sex is a big deal to him and therefore he needs to work with her on a solution, or it isn't a big deal and he should have no problem with his wife getting sex and intimacy outside of the marriage.

I also don't see how it's more virtuous to split up the family home when the problem may be able to be solved by OP getting something dicreete on the side. Perhaps her DH will be relieved he isn't being bothered for sex anymore.

Sex and intimacy are reasonable expectations of a marriage but so is honesty. I feel for you OP but getting sex on the side without DH's consent is not the answer. Keep up the counseling. I think what struck me about your post was your complaint of "loneliness". That, in addition to the other, is a big issue you need to address in therapy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't divorce over this if he is otherwise a good dad and husband. And do NOT ask for an open marriage either. Honestly, you need to find a discreet man on the side who can satisfy you. No strings or expectations. He won't know/care, his feelings/pride will be in tact and you will stop obsessing over what is missing in your marriage. This will free you up to remember what is actually good in your marriage. I know people will flame away but divorce is not the answer here and you already tried counseling. take care of yourself so you can take care of your family and keep it in tact.

+1

Sex and intimacy are reasonable expectations of marriage. If he isn't willing to work on being a reasonably good sex partner, he has abandoned marital bonds. Either sex is a big deal to him and therefore he needs to work with her on a solution, or it isn't a big deal and he should have no problem with his wife getting sex and intimacy outside of the marriage.

I also don't see how it's more virtuous to split up the family home when the problem may be able to be solved by OP getting something dicreete on the side. Perhaps her DH will be relieved he isn't being bothered for sex anymore.

If this is true, then there's no reason why OP shouldn't just be honest about it and come up with a solution that works for both of them. I can't imagine OP's kids would be too happy if they ever found out she lied to and cheated on their dad, regardless of her alleged justifications. I have no respect for someone who prefers to take the weasely way out rather than dealing with problems head on or accepting compromise even when it's hard.