Photographs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While yes, you should take action to take/frame/schedule pictures, make sure you don't compare to the ones they have. Don't say "there are so many of THEM so let's take some of US". It is not a competition. Take some pics during your visit, and frame them before you leave, or when you get home and mail it. Don't over do it.

As for being the distant grandparents, yes, your relationship will be different than the local ones, but make it special in your own way. Schedule skype sessions. Give the kids a book that had your voice recorded onto it. Send postcards and encourage them to write back. For a gift, give something like a magazine subscription or book club - when it arrives go through it together where you read them a story from it or something. When you visit, create memories - don't over-shower them in toys, but take them on an adventure, tell bedtime stories or knock knock jokes, or paint with them - something that shares your interests with them and vice versa. It will take some effort, but it is up to you to decide how you want to grandparent.

And don't forget the different doesn't mean better or worse. My GPs were far away when I was growing up, but that meant that every visit was a sleepover, which, thinking about it now, allowed me to get to know them in some ways better than my cousins Who lived near them and might see them for an afternoon or evening but not for a weeklong sleepover visit.

I'm the first one quoted here. You make a good point. My parents live far too, but because their visits are longer they know our bedtime routines well, the kids crawl into bed with them when they get up in the morning, they accompany us to swim class or daycare drop off. They know a good amount about our day to day lives because of spending multiple days in a row rather than just a meal or evening here and there.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier that I would not assume the worst. But I would also not be sending them gifts with the intent that they need to frame them and hang them around their house just because you want to try and equal out the number of photos from your side of the family.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP and I thank you for your kind responses. I would have responded sooner but I didn't realize they moved my post and assumed it had been erased.

Yes, in one photograph on their mantle, there is a professional photograph of my son and grandson and my daughter-in-laws whole family from last summer. It is the other photograph on their mantle that bothers me - it is from my son's wedding and it is of my son, daughter-in-law and her family. We were at that wedding (obviously) and had our picture taken as well. But ours on stuck in a collage with other pictures of her family.

And my grandson isn't a newborn. He is a year and a half old.

But you are all right, this is something I will address lightly with my son and daughter-in-law by suggesting we take more pictures while we are here. And I do know that you can buy those books and I could make one with our family as well.

Thank you everyone for being so sweet and helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really sorry, OP.

It's important that you speak with your son about this, rather than making it your DIL's responsibility. With a new baby, she has enough on her plate without having to manage the relationship. In past years it may have been that the wife did all of this type of thing, but these days each partner is more likely to take care of relationships with their own side of the family. That can be hard if your son is not conscientious about this sort of thing, but it really is on him.

Sound advice.

And I feel bad for you too, OP.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for you, too, OP. That must really hurt. FWIW, there is not a single picture of me in my MIL's house. There are pictures from my wedding of my husband with my stepdaughter, but none that have me in them.

On a grandchild note, growing up in New England I had one set of grandparents in Florida and one in Europe. My Florida grandparents never displayed pics of me and my brothers, either - we were the black sheep grandchildren as opposed to the golden grandchildren, my other aunts and uncles' kids. That hurt.

I never met my grandmother in Europe until I was 19. Never even talked on the phone with her. (She didn't have a phone.) Never exchanged letters or cards. But once we met, she loved me fiercely and we became very close.

I mention that to say that you can have a strong, loving, wonderful bond with your grandson. Maybe he'll have sleepover visits with you. Maybe memories of your house will be extra-special and significant because it's a great novelty. You can still be close and influential and meaningful even though your pic was not in one of his baby books. You have lots of time left. You're gonna love him and it's going to be great.

[Anonymous]

Your feeling hurt and excluded will only cause friction. There is no limit to the the love your grandchild can receive. Start giving. If you really want to be considered valuable then put your energy into adoring the child. By the way, even if you loathe your DIL, if you love the child you will be embraced with open arms. Both parents will fall down at your feet if you just make it about the child and not about you. When you get home start face-timing regularly with the family. Send love notes to the child and books for mom to read on a regular basis. Little examples of goodwill are going to make a connection even over the distance, but it has to be sincere and not some terrible competition between ILs.

[Anonymous]

OP... while you're in town, be sure to take photos with you and the baby... even do selfies! Have that camera flashing through the rest of your visit! then, when you get home, print some out, put it one in a nice frame and mail it to the family in DC.

Unless the husband takes photos a lot as a hobby, its most often the DIL who is in charge of displaying photos. It, I'm sure, has been an innocent oversight on her part, so make sure you put photos of them in your home too. It will make her feel good when she comes to visit!

[Anonymous]

OP - another DIL here with long distance in-laws and local family (and a similar photo situation). In our case, my in-laws live far away but never come to visit (they can afford it - they take three big vacations to exotic locales every year). My parents see my kids every week. My in-laws see them once a year. My parents also paid for professional family photos with all of us for their Christmas card. It really is a matter of us having lots of pictures of the kids with my parents and none of the kids with my in-laws. I wouldn't assume the intention is malicious. More importantly, I'd make an effort to show you care - both about the pictures and about the relationship with your grandchild. Make a point of taking a ton of pictures when you are together, and framing them and giving them to your son and DIL. It's pretty easy to make a photo book - make one of your side of the family for your grandson. You could do one to document the trip or do an alphabet book or something with family members. And - this is a big one - make a point of having a ton of photos of your son's whole family at your home. The only picture my FIL has of our older DC in his home is one I printed and framed for him. He doesn't have a single picture of our younger DC or me displayed and the only ones of my DH are from when he was younger (meanwhile there are tons of new pictures of him and his GF from their travels). In addition, my FIL never printed and framed a single picture from our wedding. In fact when I ask him if he wanted any prints, he said no, and I made a photo book of the wedding for both sets of parents which I have never seen anywhere at my FIL's home (my parents still keep theirs on the coffee table ten years later). His ambivalence to our kids make me much less motivated to put in effort to take and display pictures of them. I am not saying this is your situation, but I think showing you care and taking steps to rectify it will go a long way with your DIL. If I were her, I'd be so sad to know how sad you are.