Photographs

[Anonymous]

You: "Oh no, there aren't any pictures of us anywhere around here at all! We need to fix that...I'll see what I can do about this."
Son: "Oh wow...you're right! I never even noticed, we just put up whatever we have on hand."
You: "We could take some pictures right now."
OR
You: "I am going to put together a picture book, too and send it to you guys!"

Etc. This is really just about you being far away and not meeting each other often. Video chat. Send letters in the mail. Send little packages from time to time with pictures, books, audio tapes you made for your grandson. Share your feelings and the wish to be more involved - I am sure your son and his wife would love that (as long as your relationship is good)!

Take this as a chance. You noticed you are involved so little compared to the other grandparents...now change it!

[Anonymous]

Another DIL here with a long-distance mother-in-law. My mother-in-law, who I really like, is not proactive AT ALL in keeping in touch with the kids, sending pictures, etc. My parents (local) are. I am also the one who takes the pictures and prints them. I have tons of pics with my parents - not so many of my i-laws because we see them less, they don't like pictures, etc. Be proactive - not in your face or annoying - just say I'd love a picture with my grandkids! Let's Face Time! Let's take pictures so we can make a book of us together!

My parents see my kids about 10000 times more than my in-laws because they make the effort and seem interested, whereas I think my in-laws wait for the offer to be extended to them. I don't have the time sometimes to make the offer, so help your DIL and make your wishes known.

[Anonymous]

OP are you still here? Do you get along with your DIL? Do you think it is malicious or is it just your son not putting up pics of you guys? Have you had family pics taken of you guys with the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the book of pictures was a gift from that side of the family. If you want more pics I would make an effort to take pictures together and print them out for your DIL. And mention it to your son.

Yes to this. Take pictures when you are together, print them out, and SEND them yourself to your son.

My sister would likely make a book like that for my baby. She wouldn't think to include my inlaws in it, and she's not being mean. It just wouldn't cross her mind. And yes, then I know my MIL would see it, note that there are no pictures of her, and then hold it against ME.

Always always give the benefit of the doubt that people do not mean harm. If you otherwise like your DIL, do NOT let this become an issue. If you do say something, say it to your son. And don't bring up DIL at all because this really has more to do with him than her.

[Anonymous]

You sound hurt about being a long distance grandparent as well. Do not take that out on your DIL as it's not her fault. Do your best to be involved despite the distance, if that's what you want.

One idea I saw somewhere was to get a recordable storybook (like this: http://www.hallmark.com/recordable-storybooks/). That way your grandson can know your voice and you can "read" him a story when you are far away. Perhaps send something like that. I know I'd be really touched in my MIL sent us something so personal for our baby.

[Anonymous]

While yes, you should take action to take/frame/schedule pictures, make sure you don't compare to the ones they have. Don't say "there are so many of THEM so let's take some of US". It is not a competition. Take some pics during your visit, and frame them before you leave, or when you get home and mail it. Don't over do it.

As for being the distant grandparents, yes, your relationship will be different than the local ones, but make it special in your own way. Schedule skype sessions. Give the kids a book that had your voice recorded onto it. Send postcards and encourage them to write back. For a gift, give something like a magazine subscription or book club - when it arrives go through it together where you read them a story from it or something. When you visit, create memories - don't over-shower them in toys, but take them on an adventure, tell bedtime stories or knock knock jokes, or paint with them - something that shares your interests with them and vice versa. It will take some effort, but it is up to you to decide how you want to grandparent.

[Anonymous]

I would bet the book was a gift. I have something like that from my inlaws. I wouldn't take it personally. If you want more pictures of you around, then maybe make your own book to give them. That, or if you go on vacation together do a photo shoot. I would bet the DIL didn't even think about this and would probably be upset to know that it hurt you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't assume it is negative. Those could have easily been gifts, especially the book. Maybe the DILs mother gave everyone a framed photo of the family for Christmas every year as part of their family tradition. I really wouldn't assume the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the book of pictures was a gift from that side of the family. If you want more pics I would make an effort to take pictures together and print them out for your DIL. And mention it to your son.

I was just going to post the same thing. Maybe DIL's family had the book made.
I come from a family where we are all extroverts and have always taken tons of pictures. DH comes from a family of introverts and they almost never take pictures. So yes, there are significantly fewer pics of him and his family around the house.

+1 this was my first thought, too. If her parents are giving her framed oics and photo books to display, she may be displaying them out of a sense of obligation. Or just convenience (I.e., she has a ore framed picture of them so it goes in the wall without any special effort on her part. He doesn't have a framed picture of you, so he would have to make a special effort to put one up and therefore doesn't).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While yes, you should take action to take/frame/schedule pictures, make sure you don't compare to the ones they have. Don't say "there are so many of THEM so let's take some of US". It is not a competition. Take some pics during your visit, and frame them before you leave, or when you get home and mail it. Don't over do it.

As for being the distant grandparents, yes, your relationship will be different than the local ones, but make it special in your own way. Schedule skype sessions. Give the kids a book that had your voice recorded onto it. Send postcards and encourage them to write back. For a gift, give something like a magazine subscription or book club - when it arrives go through it together where you read them a story from it or something. When you visit, create memories - don't over-shower them in toys, but take them on an adventure, tell bedtime stories or knock knock jokes, or paint with them - something that shares your interests with them and vice versa. It will take some effort, but it is up to you to decide how you want to grandparent.

And don't forget the different doesn't mean better or worse. My GPs were far away when I was growing up, but that meant that every visit was a sleepover, which, thinking about it now, allowed me to get to know them in some ways better than my cousins Who lived near them and might see them for an afternoon or evening but not for a weeklong sleepover visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the book of pictures was a gift from that side of the family. If you want more pics I would make an effort to take pictures together and print them out for your DIL. And mention it to your son.

Yes to this. Take pictures when you are together, print them out, and SEND them yourself to your son.

My sister would likely make a book like that for my baby. She wouldn't think to include my inlaws in it, and she's not being mean. It just wouldn't cross her mind. And yes, then I know my MIL would see it, note that there are no pictures of her, and then hold it against ME.

Always always give the benefit of the doubt that people do not mean harm. If you otherwise like your DIL, do NOT let this become an issue. If you do say something, say it to your son. And don't bring up DIL at all because this really has more to do with him than her.

+1,000

Very wise advice. OP, please heed this. Your son and DIL surely have no intent to hurt you, so please give them the benefit of the doubt. Do not let this fester.

Bring it up with your son, not your DIL. You are his mom. He is the one to deal with. In fact, bring it up only as "I made this book just for little Grandchild as a memento!" when you hand them the book you make of photos of baby with you, etc. And yes, you can make such a book and it'll be welcome. But if you indicate you have been counting the pictures on the wall, it will seem to them like you're keeping score and they'll feel either guilty or defensive, and you don't want either, I'm sure.

Do you have the ability to Skype with your son and family? I'd start doing it but don't overdo it. Send more photos of your own activities when you are back home. Do not inundate them with pictures on their phones etc. but send snail mail photos. People still like to get mail, and eventually the grandkid will be thrilled with anything that comes in the mail.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of the time my ILs sent framed professional headshots of themselves (as our Christmas gift) because we didn't have "enough" pictures of them hanging up in our house. There were more pictures of them in our house than of us at the time. Because we had them, we hung them.

Your DIL is not the culprit here. Your son is just as capable of taking/asking to take/hanging a photo. If you must bring this up, it is with him, solely. I'm also positive the book was a gift from someone on her side, not something she made.

Don't be my MIL, who on one visit, changed my child's outfit, purposefully because I had her in something else when I left, and then I swear I think rolled her in car oil in a shirt clearly given to my daughter by my mother that had some expression about Grandma's whatever on it. Then when I got home said "Oh, haha, we got her dirty, sorry this must have been a shirt from her other grandmother."

[Anonymous]

Are you there now? Take lots of pics, and when you get home make a photo book and send it.

Again, as other shave said, don't assume ill will. No child was ever hatred by having too much love. Now you see how the other family does it, and if those appeals to you, you do it too.

FWIW, JC Penney and Sears take great pics, for CHEAP. Just go get some family pics done.

[Anonymous]

What a nice thread here!

I agree with the others not to assume ill intent. And just to say that the first year with the first grandchild and long distance grandparents can have some bumps, and that is ok. Hang in there, follow your son and DIL's lead, be proactive as you can...it will work out!

[Anonymous]

I have more of my parents who are away simply because I make the effort to take the photos. Maybe your son is less apt to take photos. I know my DH never takes any of his family. Tomorrow suggest that you would like to have some to take back to show off to your friends and get a bunch of pictures. Print some and give them to your son and DIL. They can't display what they don't have.