Bar Mitzvah--no food

[Anonymous]

Never, ever heard of this. Seems impossible, frankly. Usually too much food!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they couldn't afford a big meal. They did provide brunch the next day. The bar mitzvah is about the boy, not the food. Usually invitations will indicate whether a meal will be served. The guests should have known beforehand what the food situation would be. This could not have been a surprise. They could have decided to snub the bar mitzvah boy because of the food situation.

OP here. My understanding is that it is not a modest/financially struggling family. It was within their means to host a meal. They didn't, not couldn't. I don't think the family would be discussing if it were a matter of "couldn't."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure there wasn't a misunderstanding?

I ask because the new "trend" as a pp mentioned is that the young person has the festive meal much later in the day. In other words, the ceremony part of the Bar Mitzvah takes place at around 10:00 in the morning and then the guests go off (fend for themselves so to speak) but regather around 6 or 8 pm, often at a restaurant or disco for a formal meal and dancing and speeches and so forth.

I find this hugely inconvenient, by the way, as I travel from out of town too, and am left to "fend for myself" for six or eight hours in another city with my children. It's a trend I greatly dislike.

So I wonder if your relatives just misunderstood that they were to fend for themselves until the time of the party?

OP here. No, there was nothing like that. These discussions are happening after everyone drove/flew home.

I believe Cousin's family has made a somewhat fancy purchase recently. I can't go into what, but it's luxurious and fancy. That's why everyone is disapproving. They think it was purchased with the bar mitzvah money.

Again, not a struggling family.

Just wondering if feeding is optional, or if Cousin broke some traditional rules here.

[Anonymous]

Cousin didn't break any rules. He broke a tradition. There's nothing that states that a Bar Mitzvah must end with a meal. However, many people choose to celebrate joyous occasions with friends, family and food.

The family expected (based on tradition) that they would be fed. They were surprised to not be. They kvetched.

[Anonymous]

a few months back someone posted about an invitation to a graduation dinner at a restaurant where no dinner was served. tacky tacky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and in-laws are in uproar. A cousin threw a bar mitzvah for his kid, and it turned out there was no meal for the guests, many of whom flew in from out of state. After the ceremony, they were told to go off and fend for themselves, basically. The next day, I think there was a bagel breakfast (no lox).

This is not done, right? DH and family are calling this very stingy and tacky. The old folks are flabbergasted.

I was raised Catholic, and if we don't feed people after First Communion, it's no biggie. I guess you should have some food out for a funeral, though, I don't know.

Is this a massively big deal as everyone is making it out to be, or do they just not like Cousin? There have been whispers that said Cousin is basically throwing hospitality out the window to convert his son's bar mitzvah into a money grab. Is this kind of accusation justified?

So if you're saying this is basically what happened, what actually happened? Did the family offer to bring everyone home for lunch, and no one liked that idea? Or a specific restaurant that no one could agree on? Was there a small food offering that people felt was inadequate? Was the actual celebration the following day (which you feel is inadequate)

It would be customary to provide a meal afterwarda but not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and in-laws are in uproar. A cousin threw a bar mitzvah for his kid, and it turned out there was no meal for the guests, many of whom flew in from out of state. After the ceremony, they were told to go off and fend for themselves, basically. The next day, I think there was a bagel breakfast (no lox).

This is not done, right? DH and family are calling this very stingy and tacky. The old folks are flabbergasted.

I was raised Catholic, and if we don't feed people after First Communion, it's no biggie. I guess you should have some food out for a funeral, though, I don't know.

Is this a massively big deal as everyone is making it out to be, or do they just not like Cousin? There have been whispers that said Cousin is basically throwing hospitality out the window to convert his son's bar mitzvah into a money grab. Is this kind of accusation justified?

So if you're saying this is basically what happened, what actually happened? Did the family offer to bring everyone home for lunch, and no one liked that idea? Or a specific restaurant that no one could agree on? Was there a small food offering that people felt was inadequate? Was the actual celebration the following day (which you feel is inadequate)

It would be customary to provide a meal afterwarda but not necessary.

No, nothing like that. I think that if ANY option was proposed, the guests were ready to go along. If the hosts proposed a restaurant, everyone would have gone. They had the ceremony, snacks were provided. No other activities were proposed for the guests for that day. The guests dispersed, and it dawned on them that it was over, and that they would have to find arrangements for dinner. Guests fragmented, and groups broke off to eat, or not. Younger relatives, like newly-marrieds, disappeared, left to their own devices.

People who were staying overnight who flew in were told they were welcome to come to a breakfast/brunch the next day if they were around. They went, it was a bagel breakfast with cream cheese and coffee.

That was it. I showed this thread to DH, who felt gratified that there was consensus that what Cousin did was really not cool.

[Anonymous]

I've been to bar and bat mitzvahs that were lavish with too much food, but never one with no food. Even if the family didn't want to do a full kiddish luncheon for all the congregants, they would have a private luncheon but first a small kiddish for all the congregants. But out of towners would certainly be fed. I've also been to very modest affairs where family members cooked and brought food. You don't have out of town guests without feeding them, no matter the occasion.

[Anonymous]

If you want a small, modest affair, keep it a small, modest affair. Don't invite a bunch of guests to fly in for it. If you're going to ask people to make all that effort to share the celebration with you, you should at least give them a meal.

[Anonymous]

My SIL, who struggles financially, didn't have food at my niece's Bat Mitzvah. We never thought poorly of her for this. As best as I understood it, it was an important religious rite of passage and while a party is nice, it is not required.

[Anonymous]

What did the invitation say? Was it a formal printed invite? Having the service followed by a light lunch IS a bat mitzvah. Perhaps the misunderstanding was the out of towners who assumed there would be party. It should have been made clear to them that it was a service follwed by a light meal. And knowing there were out of town ers the family should have thought to host a small dinner or something, but I bet the invitation wasn't clear or that assumptions were made based on what people usually do. That said, I'd be annoyed too.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I am Jewish and I've never heard of something like this. Tacky, tacky, tacky. If this happened at a Bar Mitzvah my family went to, some of my family members would be talking about it for 50 years and probably remember it on their deathbed

Seriously, insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's not done. Now if everyone is local there is a teeny chance that snacks might suffice if everything is very modest and it's a very small affair. But having everyone fly in? Feed them.

However, I'm not sure I'd want to go to this Bar Mitzvah either. Color me the older brother.

http://youtu.be/PHqCclFaK8g

Holy shit, I LOVED that older brother! To me, the worst thing about that video is the kid is wearing freaking SWEATPANTS AND CROCS. Two things that should be OUTLAWED.

Love,
Your snobby friend

That is absolutely hilarious. He is going to regret this video immensely in 5 years.

[Anonymous]

My mother was stingy as hell but she made sure her kids had catered bar/bat mitzvah receptions. It doesn't have to be anything special and could even be a potluck affair if you're that sort of family. I agree that while a reception is not required, it's assumed and guests should be told ahead of time if there won't be one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and in-laws are in uproar. A cousin threw a bar mitzvah for his kid, and it turned out there was no meal for the guests, many of whom flew in from out of state. After the ceremony, they were told to go off and fend for themselves, basically. The next day, I think there was a bagel breakfast (no lox).

This is not done, right? DH and family are calling this very stingy and tacky. The old folks are flabbergasted.

I was raised Catholic, and if we don't feed people after First Communion, it's no biggie. I guess you should have some food out for a funeral, though, I don't know.

Is this a massively big deal as everyone is making it out to be, or do they just not like Cousin? There have been whispers that said Cousin is basically throwing hospitality out the window to convert his son's bar mitzvah into a money grab. Is this kind of accusation justified?

LOLZ. Is the cousin my MIL?!