Bar Mitzvah--no food

[Anonymous]

I agree it's not done. Now if everyone is local there is a teeny chance that snacks might suffice if everything is very modest and it's a very small affair. But having everyone fly in? Feed them.

However, I'm not sure I'd want to go to this Bar Mitzvah either. Color me the older brother.

http://youtu.be/PHqCclFaK8g

[Anonymous]

I miss Seinfeld.

[Anonymous]

Terribly shabby.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they couldn't afford a big meal. They did provide brunch the next day. The bar mitzvah is about the boy, not the food. Usually invitations will indicate whether a meal will be served. The guests should have known beforehand what the food situation would be. This could not have been a surprise. They could have decided to snub the bar mitzvah boy because of the food situation.

[Anonymous]

on the flip side---I hope I am not judged too harshly here.

The bar mitzvah is really about the service and the child leading the religious service. if most of the people are local, "snacks" could be ok. say hummus, crudité, dips, cookies. just a place to gather after and congratulate and mingle.

we are having one next year, which will be a full lunch, but nothing fancy. we are quiet people and not in a great financial position right now.

I worry about out of towners a little, so maybe would have a little something at the house later for them?

[Anonymous]

Full lunch = food, PP. You will be fine.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's cheap and tacky. It does sound like a money grab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's not done. Now if everyone is local there is a teeny chance that snacks might suffice if everything is very modest and it's a very small affair. But having everyone fly in? Feed them.

However, I'm not sure I'd want to go to this Bar Mitzvah either. Color me the older brother.

http://youtu.be/PHqCclFaK8g

Holy shit, I LOVED that older brother! To me, the worst thing about that video is the kid is wearing freaking SWEATPANTS AND CROCS. Two things that should be OUTLAWED.

Love,
Your snobby friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There wasn't even a little oneg?

OP here. I had to look that up. I believe there were snacks. No "meal." The bottom line, from what I understand, was that people "left hungry." Guests individually hunted around for local restaurants for dinner.

Ok, snacks is an oneg then. As long as there was a little oneg, mitzvah fulfilled, I'd be okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:on the flip side---I hope I am not judged too harshly here.

The bar mitzvah is really about the service and the child leading the religious service. if most of the people are local, "snacks" could be ok. say hummus, crudité, dips, cookies. just a place to gather after and congratulate and mingle.

we are having one next year, which will be a full lunch, but nothing fancy. we are quiet people and not in a great financial position right now.

I worry about out of towners a little, so maybe would have a little something at the house later for them?

I had a "smaller" bat mitzvah. Around 70 people, as opposed to the 200-250 my sibling and cousins and friends all had. We had my reception at a steak house. We did not have a videographer (though professional photographs were taken), or a band/DJ, or Entertainment. There was food, cake, a few flowers (I had a corsage and there were flowers/balloons at each table), party favors for the kids, and I think that's it. I was worried, but everyone loved it. The smaller scale was not about money, but about me - I had few friends and horrid learning disabilities so we didn't really know if I could learn my haf torah portion at all (I was actually learning the last two lines as we pulled into the parking lot of the temple the morning of).

We also had the after-party at the house, with bagels and lox, etc. I think your full lunch and then something at your house for the out-of-towners (plus maybe your son's friends) sounds lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they couldn't afford a big meal. They did provide brunch the next day. The bar mitzvah is about the boy, not the food. Usually invitations will indicate whether a meal will be served. The guests should have known beforehand what the food situation would be. This could not have been a surprise. They could have decided to snub the bar mitzvah boy because of the food situation.

But no lox.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure there wasn't a misunderstanding?

I ask because the new "trend" as a pp mentioned is that the young person has the festive meal much later in the day. In other words, the ceremony part of the Bar Mitzvah takes place at around 10:00 in the morning and then the guests go off (fend for themselves so to speak) but regather around 6 or 8 pm, often at a restaurant or disco for a formal meal and dancing and speeches and so forth.

I find this hugely inconvenient, by the way, as I travel from out of town too, and am left to "fend for myself" for six or eight hours in another city with my children. It's a trend I greatly dislike.

So I wonder if your relatives just misunderstood that they were to fend for themselves until the time of the party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the bar/bas mistvahs I've been to have been large catered affairs. Much closer to a wedding than a first communion. Imagine being invited to a wedding, attending the ceremony, and then there being no reception. That's what it's equivalent to.

OP here. This event has caused everyone to reminisce about past bar/bat mitzvahs they have attended. Some of them sound EPIC. I wish I were there.

DH and in-laws pointed out there was not a single one with no food.

Is this a new trend?

Not Jewish. But, new trend, no. Rude, cheap and classless, yes!

[Anonymous]

Additionally, some Jews don't spend money on Saturdays, so if they don't know in advance that there's no lunch or even a reasonable kiddush, you're sending them home to a very unpleasant afternoon. Not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:on the flip side---I hope I am not judged too harshly here.

The bar mitzvah is really about the service and the child leading the religious service. if most of the people are local, "snacks" could be ok. say hummus, crudité, dips, cookies. just a place to gather after and congratulate and mingle.

we are having one next year, which will be a full lunch, but nothing fancy. we are quiet people and not in a great financial position right now.

I worry about out of towners a little, so maybe would have a little something at the house later for them?

That's totally fine. Not leaving potentially shabbat observant family members in the lurch. A quiet gathering in the evening would be a nice addition.