I feel like my kid is a full-time job

[Anonymous]

Dear OP - I so relate. Two SN kids here. Gave up BigLaw (eh) to take care of them. It doesn't stop at high school graduation. Praying for you.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly how I feel, especially the last part of never being able to check out. Once last year I took my NT child out without my SN child to a birthday party and I cried all the way home for a million different reasons including relief that I could actually relax for a few hours without worrying about a child melting down, guilt that I felt that way, sadness because my SN DS could have never have enjoyed the party in the same carefree way as his sibling.

Anonymous wrote:A DH here. I feel like I have 3 full-time jobs also -- the one I'm supposed to do at work, which is exhausting enough, the second performing the "normal" requirements of being a householder, husband and parent (transportation, management of finances, home upkeep, helping with homework, etc.), and then the whole third tier of managing the special needs -- the constant work on developing social cognition, assisting with struggles of child and also of spouse, etc.

Nothing irks the parent of an SN child more than others who assume one's exertions and strain are all voluntary, and that all other parents are working just as hard, all the time. Total, complete BS. And the proof of this lies in the occasional moments that other parents can "check out" when SN parents can't.

I'm sure other SN parents have been to gatherings of family and friends where other parents are actually able to relax, have a cup of coffee, and chat, secure in their knowledge that the kids can go off and play in another room with only minimal risk -- and have no clue as to why the SN parents can't do the same. Or just send the kids off to camp for a half-day and catch a breather during that time. Or actually have an evening date with the spouse during the first several years of childhood. SN parents simply do not get these breaks, and it is wearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DH here. I feel like I have 3 full-time jobs also -- the one I'm supposed to do at work, which is exhausting enough, the second performing the "normal" requirements of being a householder, husband and parent (transportation, management of finances, home upkeep, helping with homework, etc.), and then the whole third tier of managing the special needs -- the constant work on developing social cognition, assisting with struggles of child and also of spouse, etc.

Nothing irks the parent of an SN child more than others who assume one's exertions and strain are all voluntary, and that all other parents are working just as hard, all the time. Total, complete BS. And the proof of this lies in the occasional moments that other parents can "check out" when SN parents can't.

I'm sure other SN parents have been to gatherings of family and friends where other parents are actually able to relax, have a cup of coffee, and chat, secure in their knowledge that the kids can go off and play in another room with only minimal risk -- and have no clue as to why the SN parents can't do the same. Or just send the kids off to camp for a half-day and catch a breather during that time. Or actually have an evening date with the spouse during the first several years of childhood. SN parents simply do not get these breaks, and it is wearing.

This. I can't sit for a cup of coffee at the coffee shop with toys and know my kid will play nicely for a minute, he will run away. I can't take my kid to the library for story time, he will run away/disrupt. I can't take my kid on a walk, etc., etc, etc. It is a whole new level of watchfulness that is truly exhausting. I have to ignore my toddler at every activity we do go to, like an indoor gym, because SN preschooler has to, literally, be tracked every second or he will hit, kick, run away. It is soul sucking.

Hire a sitter. Get a sanity break. Get a teacher versed in dealing with SN to get you a date night. This is a marathon. If you are going to have the stamina to last it through, you need periods to recharge.

What is a date night? You are kidding right? Very few people will take someone's special needs kid, especially like above or you pay a fortune. So, a sitter could easily be $100+ and dinner ($30-60 - fine dining for us is Panera). So, I could spend $100 on a sitter or $100 on a speech therapy session... sorry, speech therapy wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The main difference is: typical kids do not need to take extracurriculars (it's parents' choice to load them with activities). SN kids NEED therapies and other appointments (it's not optional).
When I take my SN kid to an extracurricular activity, it's a full hour of mental exhaustion to watch DC with peers (is DC going to follow direction, respond to peers, not being aggressive, not biting nails, not wandering, not having potty accident, etc), while other parents are relaxed, chatting or looking at their iPhones.

+100 on this. I can drop my NT kids at a playdate, party or a sporting practice and pick them up when they are done, or scan my iPhone while I'm there. With my SN kid, I have to keep watching all the time so I can jump in to avert a problem before it happens or solve a problem quickly before it develops into a disaster. Yes, exhausting. And I'm so behind on the insurance reimbursements, I can't even tell you.

[Anonymous]

We don't even get invited to play dates or birthday parties. people don't even think how hurtful that is! As far as sitters... we haven't had one in nearly two and a half years... Since we moved to our new neighborhood and away from our familiar sitter. :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't even get invited to play dates or birthday parties. people don't even think how hurtful that is! As far as sitters... we haven't had one in nearly two and a half years... Since we moved to our new neighborhood and away from our familiar sitter. :/

Yup, when my oldest was in 1st grade he was invited to zero parties. However, when he had his and invited all the boys in his class, all came but one and all parents dropped off- they seemed to think of it as inexpensive babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The main difference is: typical kids do not need to take extracurriculars (it's parents' choice to load them with activities). SN kids NEED therapies and other appointments (it's not optional).
When I take my SN kid to an extracurricular activity, it's a full hour of mental exhaustion to watch DC with peers (is DC going to follow direction, respond to peers, not being aggressive, not biting nails, not wandering, not having potty accident, etc), while other parents are relaxed, chatting or looking at their iPhones.

It's not less work when I am HOME with my kid with ASD. He continued to put things in his mouth and try to eat them until he was 10 years old. He ate bird poop, dirt, a plastic barrette he found on the ground... he drank half a bottle of Jet Dry. We did parent implemented ABA so we were constantly working on behavior and speech -- shaping, rewarding, training, etc. He had incredible tantrums and meltdowns a few times a week from age 3 until age 8 or 9. (kicking walls, punching parents, lashing out at random people walking by) He went through a period when he expressed suicidal ideation and demanded that we kill him. He was in the principal's office weekly (sometimes daily) and I had to field those phone calls and sometimes meet with the principal. We had frequent meetings with his teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't even get invited to play dates or birthday parties. people don't even think how hurtful that is! As far as sitters... we haven't had one in nearly two and a half years... Since we moved to our new neighborhood and away from our familiar sitter. :/

Yup, when my oldest was in 1st grade he was invited to zero parties. However, when he had his and invited all the boys in his class, all came but one and all parents dropped off- they seemed to think of it as inexpensive babysitting.

Ouch. I really don't understand why its so hard for people to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't even get invited to play dates or birthday parties. people don't even think how hurtful that is! As far as sitters... we haven't had one in nearly two and a half years... Since we moved to our new neighborhood and away from our familiar sitter. :/

Yup, when my oldest was in 1st grade he was invited to zero parties. However, when he had his and invited all the boys in his class, all came but one and all parents dropped off- they seemed to think of it as inexpensive babysitting.

Ouch. I really don't understand why its so hard for people to reciprocate.

This happened to us in K (ds invited the whole class (29 kids) to a party at our house-November birthday. Was not invited to a party or playdate the entire year. (Yes, we had several kids over for playdates). Quit having parties after that b/c ds always asked when "john's" party was etc.

think most people mean well, honestly, but they will tell their kid "pick 5 friends" for a party, and if your kid is at the bottom socially, he is never one of the top 5. At least that's what I tell myself.

[Anonymous]

I don't have SN but have two friends that do. I am overwhelmed taking my kids to activities but I am well aware that this is zero stress compared to what my friends go through. I am sorry for what you have to go through, really sorry. But please know that you are admired too! God Bless!

[Anonymous]

Yesterday the counselor blamed me for my middle school child's failing grades because I do not organize his notebook or cc her on emails to and from teachers regarding missing assignments. However, his 504 does not have any supports for his difficulties with organization and task completion nor does the school feel he needs an IEP with goals and objectives to teach these skills to my son. Failing grades evidently are not enough to show academic impact in MCPS. Dealing with the BS and blame game from the school system is the worst part of the job for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday the counselor blamed me for my middle school child's failing grades because I do not organize his notebook or cc her on emails to and from teachers regarding missing assignments. However, his 504 does not have any supports for his difficulties with organization and task completion nor does the school feel he needs an IEP with goals and objectives to teach these skills to my son. Failing grades evidently are not enough to show academic impact in MCPS. Dealing with the BS and blame game from the school system is the worst part of the job for me.

Blame the mother/parent syndrome stinks. I am sorry you have to go through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday the counselor blamed me for my middle school child's failing grades because I do not organize his notebook or cc her on emails to and from teachers regarding missing assignments. However, his 504 does not have any supports for his difficulties with organization and task completion nor does the school feel he needs an IEP with goals and objectives to teach these skills to my son. Failing grades evidently are not enough to show academic impact in MCPS. Dealing with the BS and blame game from the school system is the worst part of the job for me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But my son with a 504 gets assistance with this in his MCPS middle school. In ES, one of his goals was to learn backpack management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't even get invited to play dates or birthday parties. people don't even think how hurtful that is! As far as sitters... we haven't had one in nearly two and a half years... Since we moved to our new neighborhood and away from our familiar sitter. :/

Yup, when my oldest was in 1st grade he was invited to zero parties. However, when he had his and invited all the boys in his class, all came but one and all parents dropped off- they seemed to think of it as inexpensive babysitting.

Ouch. I really don't understand why its so hard for people to reciprocate.

This happened to us in K (ds invited the whole class (29 kids) to a party at our house-November birthday. Was not invited to a party or playdate the entire year. (Yes, we had several kids over for playdates). Quit having parties after that b/c ds always asked when "john's" party was etc.

think most people mean well, honestly, but they will tell their kid "pick 5 friends" for a party, and if your kid is at the bottom socially, he is never one of the top 5. At least that's what I tell myself.

Yeah, I know the thing now is for parents to say "small parties", and only spoiled kids have big parties, but it sucks if your kid doesn't have a particular group. Even my NT kid (who is a little quirky, granted) has a fair number of friends, but is not super-tight with anyone in particular. She's had a number of experiences now where friends tell her that they're only having X people for their party, so couldn't include her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday the counselor blamed me for my middle school child's failing grades because I do not organize his notebook or cc her on emails to and from teachers regarding missing assignments. However, his 504 does not have any supports for his difficulties with organization and task completion nor does the school feel he needs an IEP with goals and objectives to teach these skills to my son. Failing grades evidently are not enough to show academic impact in MCPS. Dealing with the BS and blame game from the school system is the worst part of the job for me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But my son with a 504 gets assistance with this in his MCPS middle school. In ES, one of his goals was to learn backpack management.

The advocate that we are bringing to our next meeting says the school should be helping to teach these skills to my son. When I asked his counselor who could work on organizational skills with my son at school she said "No one has time to do that." The counselor is glad to sign us up to be his lifelong secretary but the school can't approach his needs from where he is at and come up with a solution that would help him to manage his responsibilities better?