Step parents and step kids - boundaries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - You are not a stepparent. You are some chick the kid's father is fucking.

+1. Seriously.

She's neither you shitheads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - You are not a stepparent. You are some chick the kid's father is fucking.

+1. Seriously.

She's neither you shitheads.

Hi there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's something wrong with your boyfriend.

I have to agree with this. Any mature, rational adult would understand how inappropriate this is. This to me would be a huge red flag.

Agree.

This. A thousand times this.

OP here, my boyfriend was born and raised in Europe, and he is now an American citizen. I understand what you are saying about sex, loudness, etc. around kids, especially if we aren't married yet. I don't think my boyfriend is immature, or that anything is wrong with him. I think he is just trying his best to be a good father to his son, and he is also trying to be a good boyfriend to me, and he is a man and he wants sex more often than we currently are able to have it, just during the every other week he doesn't have his son.

OP - You are thinking like a teenager. It's not about fucking your boyfriend, it's about what is best for his son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - You are not a stepparent. You are some chick the kid's father is fucking.

+1. Seriously.

She's neither you shitheads.

How's that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's something wrong with your boyfriend.

I have to agree with this. Any mature, rational adult would understand how inappropriate this is. This to me would be a huge red flag.

Agree.

This. A thousand times this.

OP here, my boyfriend was born and raised in Europe, and he is now an American citizen. I understand what you are saying about sex, loudness, etc. around kids, especially if we aren't married yet. I don't think my boyfriend is immature, or that anything is wrong with him. I think he is just trying his best to be a good father to his son, and he is also trying to be a good boyfriend to me, and he is a man and he wants sex more often than we currently are able to have it, just during the every other week he doesn't have his son.

OP, I'm German. We're not exactly known for conservative views on sex, and I can assure you that this is not due to him being "European". My parents were quite open about the topic, but I never once actually heard them engaging in sex. That's a good way to scar your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's something wrong with your boyfriend.

I have to agree with this. Any mature, rational adult would understand how inappropriate this is. This to me would be a huge red flag.

Agree.

This. A thousand times this.

OP here, my boyfriend was born and raised in Europe, and he is now an American citizen. I understand what you are saying about sex, loudness, etc. around kids, especially if we aren't married yet. I don't think my boyfriend is immature, or that anything is wrong with him. I think he is just trying his best to be a good father to his son, and he is also trying to be a good boyfriend to me, and he is a man and he wants sex more often than we currently are able to have it, just during the every other week he doesn't have his son.

Your boyfriend IS immature if he wants you to have sleepovers with loud sex when he has physical custody of his son, especially if you are not married.

If he were mature, he would either marry you or hold off on sleepovers until he does. If he were mature, he would NEVER consider having sex that could be heard by a child in the home.

If he were mature, he would place his child's needs above yours, and he would learn how to quietly take care of his sex drive at appropriate times during his custodial weeks. If/when you two are married, of course you could have sex while his child is in the house, but you should do so only quietly.

This has nothing to do with being raised in another culture, as other posters have said. It's about maturity, and this man lacks it.

[Anonymous]

OP - you do sound considerate of your BF's son, so you need to continue to follow the best rules if you really want a positive relationship with this still very young child. You and BF need to put it in your "social budget" that he will find a responsible sitter once a week when he has his son so he can spend sometime with you and do whatever "loud sex" he wants to enjoy. Also, in your 40s and after being divorced for five years, there you are probably wise enough to know if this relationship is headed anywhere permanent or not. If it is then, the focus of both of you should be on building further positive ties with his son through some activities with you and with you going home afterwards. It is not unrealistic to start talking about a future together or not with BF if you are interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's something wrong with your boyfriend.

I have to agree with this. Any mature, rational adult would understand how inappropriate this is. This to me would be a huge red flag.

Agree.

Yes, it's peculiar behavior.

[Anonymous]

1) I'm not sure a 7 year old should even know what sex is yet

2) I'm a stepchild and I hated hearing my mom and stepfather having sex even though I loved my stepfather

3) My half-sister also hated hearing my mom and stepfather having sex, and he was her father

I think you should do everything you can to avoid having the kid hear you now, or in the future when you might be his step mom. Be loving and physically affectionate in front of him (once you are committed to each other long term) but keep the sex to yourselves!

[Anonymous]

OP, you are in your 40s and sound more mature and reasonable than your boyfriend. Just say no to sex when your boyfriend's son is visiting. Loud sex when others are nearby is inappropriate no matter the age or relationship.

[Anonymous]

I dated a man once who had a 6 year old daughter. I was young and was very loud during sex. One night we didn't realise that she woke up and heard everything. The next day she pretended her stomach hurt all day. I knew it was because she had heard us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you are in your 40s and sound more mature and reasonable than your boyfriend. Just say no to sex when your boyfriend's son is visiting. Loud sex when others are nearby is inappropriate no matter the age or relationship.

Yes, yes, and yes! It doesn't matter if the person is 7 or 70. They don't need to hear all your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's something wrong with your boyfriend.

I have to agree with this. Any mature, rational adult would understand how inappropriate this is. This to me would be a huge red flag.

Agree.

This. A thousand times this.

OP here, my boyfriend was born and raised in Europe, and he is now an American citizen. I understand what you are saying about sex, loudness, etc. around kids, especially if we aren't married yet. I don't think my boyfriend is immature, or that anything is wrong with him. I think he is just trying his best to be a good father to his son, and he is also trying to be a good boyfriend to me, and he is a man and he wants sex more often than we currently are able to have it, just during the every other week he doesn't have his son.

You shouldn't be sleeping over, but that's got nothing to do with your boyfriend's weirdness. Even if you were married it's strange for your boyfriend to think his son should hear the two of you having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - you do sound considerate of your BF's son, so you need to continue to follow the best rules if you really want a positive relationship with this still very young child. You and BF need to put it in your "social budget" that he will find a responsible sitter once a week when he has his son so he can spend sometime with you and do whatever "loud sex" he wants to enjoy. Also, in your 40s and after being divorced for five years, there you are probably wise enough to know if this relationship is headed anywhere permanent or not. If it is then, the focus of both of you should be on building further positive ties with his son through some activities with you and with you going home afterwards. It is not unrealistic to start talking about a future together or not with BF if you are interested.

Very good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) I'm not sure a 7 year old should even know what sex is yet

2) I'm a stepchild and I hated hearing my mom and stepfather having sex even though I loved my stepfather

3) My half-sister also hated hearing my mom and stepfather having sex, and he was her father

I think you should do everything you can to avoid having the kid hear you now, or in the future when you might be his step mom. Be loving and physically affectionate in front of him (once you are committed to each other long term) but keep the sex to yourselves!

Yes, s/he most definitely should. If for no other reason, then for the horrible case that someone rapes him/her, so that s/he has the words to say what happened, so that the rapist can be sentenced to the maximum possible jail term AND the child can work out things properly in therapy, thus recovering as much as a human being can recover from such a horrendous twist of fate.

There's heaps of age-appropriate ways to teach a child what sex is.

Of course. OP's boyfriend is NOT going about it the right way. No question about that one.