visiting in-laws; help me come up with good phrases for 1) I don't need to tell you why and 2) it's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About the weight: "Oh gosh, I have no idea. Doc says it's fine, so I don't worry about it." The refer-to-doc approach works for a lot of pregnancy nosiness.

re toddlers, I find giving well-meaning but clueless grandparents reasons helps. "Don't because it will be too hard to clean off. Guaranteed tantrum."

Agree with this.

Also - consider if the PP with the lightening up comment may be on to something. I almost never wear makeup - special events / date nights only. But my mother in law has a game with my girls where they put on 'bunny noses', i.e. they put her blush on their noses. Would I play that game? No. Do I find it silly? Yes. *BUT* it doesn't hurt my kids, and it's one of the ways they have right now to bond with their grandmother, so I let it slide.

So while I agree with the various suggestions for ways to enforce boundaries, I also recommend you look closely at the boundaries you're trying to erect, and focus your energy on the ones that really matter to you, and perhaps let some preferences slide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although I see your side, OP, having been there, and having in-laws with zero boundaries, I feel kind of bad for your MIL. She doesn't sound like a total monster. It just sounds as if she likes to talk more frankly and openly than you do, and considers pregnancy talk interesting and one of the things women bond over. She probably also considers you family, and so doesn't realize you think of her as an intrusive acquaintance who makes you uncomfortable. And she's probably genuinely curious to hear about why you disagree with her about playing make-up with the grandchild or the other things you set limits on. I don't get a sense of any boundaries being overstepped. Your way may not be any more right than hers, but from her point of view, because of age and experience, she may think she knows better or at least that there are a range of okay ways to do things.

She's definitely not a total monster. She really means well.

And it's possible she is genuinely curious about why I don't want her putting makeup on the children.

That said, when I tell her she just goes ahead and does it anyway (last time I felt for 45 minutes, our newborn had it on), so to me, that's not respecting boundaries.

And you are right, my way may not be more right than hers- in fact, by definition it's NOT... except for the fact that they are the children of my husband and me, not hers.

[Anonymous]

OP here again- forgot to mention, we're not talking about bunny noses. We're talking about full-fledged, mascara and eye shadow on the 2 year old, accompanied by lessons on what it is to be a woman and how it's important to be beautiful (inc. hiding specific flaws). That- the narrative that accompanies the makeup- is what really gets me. But frankly with MIL it's just easier (or at least, I'v ebeen presuming it's more effective to not have my kids' exposed to her thoughts on girls and beauty) to not get into the reasons and avoid that conversation all together

[Anonymous]

PP here. She put make up on your newborn? Whoa.

If you say no make up on the kids, she should abide by that. I used to give a standard, "The pediatrician said no" and shrug, about all kinds of random stuff, and amazingly, people would go along with it.

And I agree, I hate the whole thing about pushing the importance of beauty on girls. My MIL says that kind of thing, and I say many things to counteract that when she's not around. She did cut one of the kids' hair one time, and THAT annoyed me.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you say no and she does it anyway?

Yeah, I wouldn't be leaving her alone with the kids at this point.

[Anonymous]

For personal questions, asking the questioner "why do you ask?" can work wonders to change the subject.

[Anonymous]

I will admit I lie to my MIL.
MIL wants to put make up on my daughter.
Me: Oh that sounds like so much fun but her skin is so sensitive and she gets hives. The doctor told us not to put any type of make up on her. Luckily she should outgrow it when she is a teenager.

It is so much easier than engaging with her and explaining over and over.

[Anonymous]

Yikes OP. I have a lot of this stuff w/ my MIL (especially the invasive personal questions during pregnancy) but not the makeup thing.

That is ridiculous!

I said to mine, quite directly, "I am a very private person. If anything ahppens medically that might affect the baby or the pregnancy that we think you should know we will absolutely let you know. BUt I'd appreciate you respecting my privacy." And i had to say it a bunch of times and my husband had to back it up.

For things w/ the kids we have had to make sure that we're (husband and I) a VERY united front. She gets the same answers from both of us, and our rules are our rules. She isn't the only grandparent and she doesn't have to agree w/ our rules, she just has to respect them. But a woman that would put mascara on a 2 year old and talk to her about how to be a woman would make me lose my cool in record time.

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

How about confronting straight on? "honestly, I find it a terrible message to offer girls in our society, that they need to hide flaws. While she may choose to wear makeup when she's older, for now I'd like her to know that she is flawless in our eyes, and that we love her unconditionally." As the child of a very well-meaning woman who always told me to put on lipstick "so you'll look nice" I think you'd be doing young girls a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what's wrong with playing makeup with a 2 yo?

That's not the question. The question is "what's wrong with playing makeup with a 2 yo when their parent asks you not to?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- though some examples might be useful. For instance, MIL will ask

1) So, how much weight have you gained!? (in pregnancy- I honestly don't thing she's being bitchy, but I don't want to talk about it)
2) So, C section or a vaginal birth
3) ME: I don't want you to put make up on my baby
HER: But we have so much fun! Why not!? THere's nothing wrong with it.
4) HER: But [my SIL's kids, her grandchildren by her daughter] are allowed to...

To the weight question: "Sorry, I think I went blank for a second. I thought you asked me how much weight I gained *fake laughter*, but of course I must have misheard, because no one would be that rude. What was the question again, please?"

Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Anonymous]

Did she buy your DD her own mascara? In addition to the whole Eeeeew reaction, that's just so unsanitary.

Not that you should give that as a reason, because she will either tell you it's fine or buy another tube of the stuff, but wow.

I am usually one of the ones telling DILs to relax about this stuff, but makeup on a 2YO after the child's parent said no, followed by lectures on our obligation to look purdy all the time, plus an eye infection. ick ick ick